What Do You Want

To my son Tommy,

"What do you want for your birthday?" your mom inquired of me.

"A maker-bot 3D Printer!" I exclaimed only half kidding.

Your mother, annoyed, asked "How about something we can afford?

I decided against asking for the robotic lawn mower as well.  Also decided against bringing up all the house projects I want to do, like having the electric in the house redone, or the basement outside door redone, or the foundation dug out and resealed for flooding, or a landscaper to come in and do all the edging and create a terraced flower bed out of the front hill, or the attic semi-finished, or the basement remodeled etc etc.

"Hmm, let me think on it," I replied and added, "What do you want for your upcoming birthday?" tying to deflect.

The truth be told, I need nothing and find myself wanting nothing, or at least in the traditional materialistic sense that is implied by birthday gifts.  It is not that we have so much, it is just that I don't want things.  Heart felt hugs and quality time mean more than any gift.  Your Father's Day crafts were the perfect gift and are more valuable to me than a Rolex.  I want the gift of time, the gift of love, the gift of family.  When I get home from work on my birthday, when I walk through the door and you excitedly greet me as you always do, that will be enough.  Maybe we can treat the family and your cousins to some pizza at our house followed by an outing to Sweet Frog or Opies,  Now that is my idea of a party nowadays.  

My gadgets and my projects will probably always be on my list of wishes but have not made it to my list of wants.  We will skimp and save and maybe some day we will get all those house projects knocked off the list and maybe some day I will find the discretionary funds for gadgets like a 3D printer or robotic lawn mower.  But until that time I will want what I already have and want more of what is right in front of me and free, like the love of my beautiful wife and my loving son.  Now when your mom finally answers the question of what she wants for her birthday, I hope she isn't as vague as she will accuse me of being and give me specifics.  A detailed list of what she wants for her upcoming birthday would make an excellent gift for my birthday!

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Timing Technique

To my son Tommy,

One of the things to lament with your beef allergy is that you probably will never get into grilling.  This is a shame because your grandfather Leo has developed the perfect grilling technique for Downey's to cook steaks.  You put the steaks on a hot grill.  You go get yourself a beer.  You drink the beer in its entirety.  You flip the steak.  You get another beer.  You drink the beer.  You pull the steaks off the grill.  You eat.  That puts the steak at about medium rare.  There really is no temperature gauge or conversion.  You order your steaks by the beer count when your grandfather cooks.  I figure a three beer steak is medium and a four beer steak is medium well.  Anything more you risk never getting your steak because the grill master has lost focus on the beef and focused in on the hops.  But do not dismay, your grandfather has assured me when you turn of age he will teach you the same technique with grilled zucchini or grilled asparagus.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

On The Other Hand

To my son Tommy,

I often give you some fairly abstract advice.  Today is different.  It is a practical piece of advice and a step that you should add to your routine.

Every odd day, brush your teeth holding the toothbrush in your left hand.  Every even day, use your right hand.

  That is it.  That is the great piece of wisdom I am imparting today.  This might seem like one of the silliest pieces of advice but don't let that stop you from adopting it.  If you are so inclined you can look up all the science, but the benefits of this silly maneuver have been documented.  The number one benefit is you will grow some brain cells. Little pathways will develop to move these new neurons.  You actually build these new neurons by confusing the brain and then letting it grow and adapt as it figures out how to adapt.  It is actually the same process you have been doing all your life so far as you grow.  Right now you are building your brain by learning to use your dominant hand but sooner or later this brain building stops and you have to kick start it again.  Science believes (or hopes) that continuing all this brain building in to your adulthood can help stave off dementia and other age onset diseases of the mind.  So you have to exercise your brain as much as your body and this is an easy way.  Start with the toothbrush and you can move on to so many other things that you naturally do with only your dominant hand.

Now, when it comes to brushing your choppers, there is a secondary benefit.  By switching hands you actually attack the teeth from a different angle which makes everything cleaner.  When I started brushing my teeth with my left hand, I probably looked silly.  I felt like I was just holding my hand still and moving my head back and forth to get the job done.  But nowadays I am pretty proficient.

There are study after study and whole groups of people who swear by non-dominant hand use.  Some claim that it will make you more creative and brain scan studies show that both hemispheres of the brain light up when you try doing something with your non-dominant hand.  I am not in a position to confirm these studies, and it isn't quite like working out with arm curls as you may not notice the results, but I am filing this piece of advice under "What could it hurt" and really suggest you try it.  The worse case scenario, maybe you can freak out your future wife when she realizes how weird you are that you switch hands every day when it comes to brushing your teeth.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Steroid Appetite

To my son Tommy,

Well with your prescribed steroids, your appetite sure has increased.  After trying some fish, green beans, and mashed potatoes, which you were less than enthusiastic about, you ate a whole plate of carrots and followed it up with two plates of pasta.  Steroids will do that you.

Let me take the time to put your food list out there.

Foods you ate before that are off the menu: ham and pineapple baby food, sweet corn casserole baby food.

Foods you ate before that are still on the menu: oatmeal, Cheetos, McDonald fries, Dananino yogurts, graham crackers, nilla wafers, Sweet Frog vanilla frozen yogurt.

Foods that you have added to your repertoire in the past three weeks: pasta of all shapes and sizes (no sauce), carrots, banana, grapes, yogurt of different types, chocolate pudding, Wendy's frosty, soft serve ice cream, Oreo cookie dips and all types of new cookies, potato balls (made by your mom from the inside of a baked potato), Lima beans, cheddar cheese, apple sauce, apple slices

Foods that you have tried but still need to grow accustomed to: corn, chicken, chicken nuggets (you used to eat these), green beans, fish, mashed potatoes, pizza

Foods that you used to eat but somehow lost off the menu: teddy graham crackers, gold fish crackers, and cheese nips. 

And finally foods that are currently banned: nuts, shellfish, and of course BEEF!

So we have a long way to go, but we are working in the right direction.   There might be a few on the list that we missed, because it seems like we have done so much more.  Maybe this weekend we will add some of the more exotic foods for a four year old like pickles and olives and maybe a buffet of hors d'oeuvres.  Might as well make an opportunity out of your allergy and take advantage of the increased appetite due to your medicine .

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

No Steak For You

To my son Tommy,

You scared us last night.  In our quest for new foods, we got you to put in your mouth a piece of steak.  Luckily you didn't swallow but instead chipmunk cheeked the food.  In less than a minute you got red, itchy, swollen, and hive covered.  Knowing you always have a good possibility for a food allergy and knowing that at one time you tested allergic to beef, we readied our epipen, told you to spit out the steak and headed off to the emergency room.

Let me lay some ground work about your food allergies.  I believe you were two and we took you to an allergist.  You tested allergic to...well to just about everything.  You tested allergic to shellfish and nuts and pork and eggs and milk and beef and a whole plethora of foods.  The problem was the results didn't match real life results.  Let me give you an narrative.

"He is allergic to pork." says the doctor.
"But he eats ham and pineapple baby food every day" protested your mom.
"Oh" said the doctor, "Well then keep doing that.  But he is allergic to milk and dairy."
"He has milk in his cereal every morning and eats yogurt every day" your mother explains.
"Oh" said the doctor, "Well then keep doing that. But he is allergic to eggs so that includes anything made with eggs like cookies."
"He eats nilla wafers every day." your mother explains.
"Oh" said the doctor, "Well then keep doing that."

So by this time we figured this doctor is a quack.  Or perhaps he is just diagnosing allergies to make sure he gets repeat customers.  Either way we took our epipen and didn't give much weight to this guy or his supposed test results.  Honestly all you would be able to have eaten is corn, potato, and chicken if this guy was right.  We stayed away from nuts and shellfish to this day, but the rest of the results we were quite skeptical on. They don't call it a doctor practice for nothing.

Well unfortunately it turned out he was right with beef and we found that out the hard way.  In our explanation the doctor in the ER couldn't understand why we fed him something he tested allergic to.  Your mother tried to explain but this doctor seemed really high on her horse.  She was also a bit incredulous that you were, up to a couple weeks ago, still eating baby food.  Or at least that is how your mom explains it.  Whenever your mom says, "He used to only eat baby food" I usually chime in, "And oatmeal, and yogurt, and french fries, and graham crackers, and nilla wafers, and cheetos." but I get evil looks.  I am not sure if it is because I am pointing out the reality there or all the things I mention are junk food.  Anyways your mother tried to explain about your food aversion and how we were considering food clinics and such, but again this doctor seemed a bit on her high horse.  I hate doctors who look down on people.  I last tested at 170 IQ (though I am sure I have lost some brain power since my college days) and any doctor who looks down on me I find quite arrogant. But despite her hubris, she got you some steroids and checked you out and gave you a clean bill of health.  The nurse (whom your mother always feels more comfortable with especially since going to nursing school) commended us for dosing the right amount of benadryl immediately and acting fast.  Two hours later we were home and though we were worried all night, you pulled through.  Tomorrow when I post, perhaps I can get a list of all the foods you do eat now, just to remind us that though we had this one setback, we have made great strides and continue forward.  Your Uncle Paddy says to come over to his side and go "Vegan Strong".  Perhaps that is what we will end up having to do with you.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Gift That Keeps On Giving

To my son Tommy,

I was packed in my truck and just about to start off for work when my phone rang.  It was your mom and my head started going through all the things I could have forgotten to do.  "Did you remember to pick up the father's day picture from Tommy?" she asked as she added the knife twist, "He's brought it to my attention twice that you forgot to bring it into the office."  I went inside immediately and got it.  Your mom had taken the time to remind me of the important things in life.

As I came out looking at the popsicle stick framed picture and the book you made me, a gentleman started crossing the street and waving me down.  I thought I recognized him as a man who does some yard work and odd jobs for our neighbor Tunisha across the street.  He started with "I mean you no harm or anything" which is less reassuring than you would think.  He explained to me that he was trying to get to a shelter and get something in his belly.  He said he had asked a person at the bus stop for some help and they started throwing pennies at him and he got out of there fast to get away from any trouble and the meanness.  I put my father's day gift in the truck and reached in my wallet and gave him enough (probably a bit more than he expected) for a bus ride and a couple meals at a fast food joint, maybe a weeks worth if he sticks to the dollar menu. I wished him luck as we went on our ways.

Now when it comes to giving, I am a skeptic and prefer to give to those organizations whose job it is to make sure the resources go to the right people and the best way.  It takes away the burden of deciding if I am being scammed.  I hate to think that I am fueling any bad habits that perpetuate any situation.  But Sunday when we went to mass down in OCNJ, the priest in his homily told a story or parable of a young child who gave his sandwich to a homeless man and sat there having a nice chat.  In the story, when both the child and the homeless man went their separate ways, each told their friends or family that they had talked to God today.  Somehow when I looked down at your picture today, when I realized that, had I not been called in the house to focus on the important things in life, I would have missed this encounter totally,  I was moved to give no matter what the gentleman spends the money on.  Your father's day gift is the gift that keeps on giving.  It gave this gentleman a small reprieve and gave me another chance to open my heart...all because of you.

We live somewhere in the middle where money gets tight.  We watch our pennies but have some discretionary funds.  Twenty dollars isn't going to break us but I will probably skip any convenience store runs on my way to or from work for about two weeks.  I hope that gentleman finds a bed and some grub, and I hope that as you grow I give you good examples on how to give.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Weekend Recovery

To my son Tommy,

I would have wrote you a letter last night if I had any energy at all.  Our weekend ended like an inside the park home run....with us sliding home just under the tag and completely out of breath as we wipe our brow and mustering up enough breath to say "Shew! Just made it!"  There was no wind down time, there was no time to unpack and settle back in and relax.  We pretty much went straight to the sack and hoped that eight hours of slumber would be enough to recoup from the event packed weekend.  When I woke up this morning aching from walking the boards and the rides at Playland and Storybook Land and still picking grits of sand out of the usual places from the beach, I said to myself "I need a day to recover from the weekend!"  But here I sit at work thinking of that adage "Work hard.  Play hard." and knowing that it was well worth it.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Desperation the Lobster

To my son Tommy,

The picture above is of a towel lobster I affectionately named Desperation.  You see your mom and I, in our haste to get down here, forgot a stuffed animal to snuggle with as you went to sleep.  You don't suffer from snuggle buddy obsession so you don't need a specific stuffed animal.  You are an equal opportunity snuggler and your current motto is "love the one your with".  However you do need something and I had to think fast.  With a quick jaunt around the Internet, I found the instructions for a bunch of towel animal foldings.  You picked the lobster and your mother and I made Desperation. When I say your mother and I, I mean I did the first roll and held and read the instructions for her after.  I also joined the laughter as we were punch drunk from being tird and it is pretty silly to learn to make a towel lobster to substitute for a stuffed animal.  When we were done you were quite impressed and then demanded a towel elephant.  Never satisfied are you.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Options

To my son Tommy,

Your grandparents invited us down to the ocean this weekend.  You have been asking to go for some time and they are headed down with your other cousins.  Being a bit last minute your mother and I hemmed and hawed.  I definitely thought you should go down with your mom, but perhaps I could stay back and get some pending work done for both my job and around the house.

Shame on me!  I beg your forgiveness for even considering this.  When the choice is between stay home and work or go to a beach with your wife and child and some more family...again shame on me for even considering not going to the beach.  We leave tonight.  Work will still be there and I will still be busy on Monday no matter if I work this weekend or not.  I could always use extra hours to get my job done but that smile on your four year old face as we hit the boards in OCNJ is limited availability.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Chipmunk Cheeks

To my son Tommy,

You have been doing very well on the food front.  Yesterday you added grapes and potatoes to the list of foods you will chew and swallow.  You also reaffirmed you will chew and swallow bananas.  With the list of available foods steadily growing, it really inspires us to keep going.  It also inspires us to find new tactics to encourage eating.  The latest approach is showing amazement with the magic trick of disappearing food in the mouth by the Great Tommy-dini Master Food Magician.

Unfortunately you have a growing list of foods that you spit out and you have been inspired to find new tactics as well.  The latest approach for you is in the mouth and straight to the chipmunk cheek storage area.  You seem to hope this satisfies your parents and they just back off a bit on the whole into the belly thing.  You aren't too good at hiding the food this way and we still tend to demand you try and chew and swallow.  But honestly, just getting food into your mouth would have seemed impossible less than one month ago.  So perhaps our expectations have grown faster than your willingness to brave the depths of cuisine and we have to learn to be happy and accept your food reality.

I find this pattern occurs in all aspects of life.  One minute you are saying, for example, how happy you would be if you could just find an extra hundred bucks somewhere and the next minute after winning a scratch off for a hundred bucks you are lamenting that you didn't win a thousand.  Or for another example, you say how if the computers could do this one thing at work how you will save ten hours a week doing your job. When the change comes about you immediately want the computers to do twenty more things.  The guy living on the streets just wants a roof over his head.  The guy with a roof over head wants a bigger roof or more house.  The guy with a big house wants a swimming pool.  And on and on.  I guess this is human nature and your mom and I seem to have fallen into that trap with your eating challenges.  The only suggestion I have for you with avoiding this pitfall is to be mindful of this trap.  When you recognize you have once again fallen in, step back, slow down, and turn a grateful eye to what you have, what you accomplished, the realities of your present situation, and how rich you are with people that love you.  Then sit back and laugh at your son talking all garbled while clenching his teeth trying to convince you there is no food in his cheek.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

When This Is Asked, The Answer Is Yes

To my son Tommy,

We had said prayers and tucked you in.  We were settling down in the living room and starting to watch a show we had recorded on DVR earlier.  Then the question came over the monitor, "Daddy, do you want to cuddle?"

Your mom laughed with a mixture of "awe that is too cute" and "I pity you because you want to tell him no so you can relax down here".  She tried to make an excuse for me and I think you actually accepted it.  But when I thought for a second, I realized the proper answer to a sincere request like that is "Yes!"

So I went up and laid down in your bed as I draped my arm over you and closed my eyes.  You were out like a light in a matter of minutes.  I opened my eyes and stared at you for a dozen or more minutes.  You are even more precious than normal cuddled in your bed tonight.  You had your moray eel and a multi color snake I believe from the Baltimore Zoo snuggled in your arms.  I am amazingly blessed to have a son like you.  Sweet dreams.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Quick With A Joke

To my son Tommy,

When I was a bartender, I tried to epitomize the line from the Piano Man that speaks about a bartender who is  "quick with a joke or to light up your smoke."  If I was still tending bar in the present, I suppose having a quick draw on a lighter would not be necessary because of the smoking legislation, but it is good to always have a joke on hand no matter the situation.

Now the majority of my jokes were rude, crude, vulgar, politically incorrect, and many times down right shameful.  They were the types of jokes that you know you shouldn't laugh at and are ashamed that you found funny.  I played to my crowd and prepped for my situation.  It was that type of bar where no topic was off base and you left your outrage and sensibilities at the door.  But I did keep a few clean jokes in my repertoire.  So here is probably the only joke I can teach you until you come of age.

A daddy polar bear and his son were walking along in the arctic.

"Dad, do I have any grizzly bear in me?" asked the younger bear.

"No son.  You are all polar bear," snorted the daddy bear.

They walked along some more and the son again inquired, "So I am really a polar bear? No black or brown bear in me?"

Getting a bit perturbed, daddy polar bear growled, "No brown nor black bear blood in you son.  You are really all polar bear."

Seemingly searching for answers the son tried, "Maybe our great great grandfather was a panda bear?"

A short and sharp and incredulous "NO" was all the papa bear could say without losing his cool.

They walked a bit further in the arctic snow.

"Koala! Maybe we have some koala?" Inquired the wee bear desperately.

"NO KOALA!" roared the daddy polar bear, "You are all polar bear!"

The daddy polar bear walked a bit farther with his despondent son.

Feeling guilty about losing his patience the daddy asked, "Why all these questions about your lineage my son?"

The son turned to the dad and said matter-of-factly, "Because Dad...  I am freezing!"

[insert rim shot here]

So that will be the first long drawn out joke I will try to teach you.  To be honest it is an old joke and told and re-told more ways than I can count.  I originally heard it with a swear in the punch line which is expected in the type of bars I worked in.  But for now, learn the clean version and we will work on a few more clean jokes even if they are silly and stupid.  When you get older I will pass on the jokes I have to withhold during your formative years.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

But I Saw It On The Internet

To my son Tommy,

Usually I would warn against believing many things you find on the internet, which is ironic in itself because I put these letters on the internet.  But if you find a how-to or instructions, approach with caution and verify with other sources and verify with just plain old common sense.  A great commercial, possibly classic, on the television has a person believing every thing on the internet.  The punch line comes when she says she has a date with a French model that she met on the internet and up walks a rather homely man and says "Bonjour" or more like "Bone Jure" in the worst French accent possible.  Since I saw this commercial, to this day when people tell me stories and that their source is the internet, I make my claim to French model status.

That is why when we (your mom and I) actually find something on the internet that we try and succeed with, we are flabbergasted and amazed.  In this case it was cooking fresh ears of corn in the microwave with husks on.   It was dead simple and it worked.  We took two fresh ears of corn.  We trimmed up any dead leaves and snipped off the protruding silk from the end.  We put them in the microwave on high for 8 minutes.  We pulled them out and cut off the larger end (not the silk end) making sure to cut into the end of the cob a little.  Then we squeezed it out the cut end from the silk end sort of like squeezing cake icing from a decorating bag.  Out came two perfectly cooked ears of corn that were silk free.  Our next couple of attempts told us this was not a fluke.  We ended up with one or two strands of the corn silk on one of the cobs, but I end up with many more than that doing it the conventional way.  Later we showed off the technique to your Pop-pop using just one ear of corn at 4 minutes.  He was very impressed and might end up having corn every day of the week now. 

So I guess I have to re-evaluate my prejudice and skepticism of the internet how-to's.  Occasionally you find something on there that is really useful.  And occasionally you find a technique that you might actually use and do, rather than just read and say you will do.  I will still approach any information, internet or not, with a good dose of caution and healthy skepticism, but perhaps with the recent success, some more of those Pinterest and Instructables might actually get done.

The only sad thing is this might bring a certain end to the specialness of corn.  It used to be corn was a big deal because it didn't pay to do all that work for one or two cobs and you only worked with fresh corn when it was warranted to do a couple dozen ears.  Now fresh corn on the cob can be cooked up quick and easy all throughout the summer.  Here is hoping we can get you to try this new food so the technique is not wasted on just us.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Fuel Efficiency Machine

To my son Tommy,

There are all types of engines and mechanical systems out there.  Some work off gasoline, some off of propane gas, some off diesel.  Others work off solar or wind or all types of fuel.  Each type of system has an efficiency rating and each type of machine can get different results depending on the fuel.  The comparison can be drawn to fatherhood.

There are all types of fathers out there.  They range from serious to the silly, from the active athletic to the the arm chair athlete, from the huggers and snugglers to those who prefer the fist bump and a good slap on the back, and just about every range of father in between.  But most every father in the world runs off only one fuel, the love of their child or children.  Each run at different efficiency levels though the fuel itself, the love of a child, is one of the most amazingly most effective fuels in the world.  If every father allows this fuel to run their lives they will find it is easy to become a well oiled daddy machine.  And a by-product of allowing this fuel to power this machine is the "octane level" of the fuel keeps getting more and more pure which in turn increases the efficiency of the dad which restarts the cycle over again and again.

To all the fathers out there, no matter their current efficiency level, I hope you had a wonderful Father's Day.  And Tommy, when you grow up and become a dad, I hope that you allow the love of your child or children to fuel your life much the same way that your love keeps me going,

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Observations and Connections

To my son Tommy,

One of the most fascinating things to watch as your father is your mental growth.  It is amazing how the mind works and learns and grows and even more amazing when it is happening in your own offspring.  I get to see that moment of realization, that moment when the light goes on and you figure something new out.  Your observations and comments are becoming more and more fluid, insightful, and pertinent.  Take for example the comment made about a television show tonight.  

No one was really watching but, as has become customary, the TV was on while we transitioned from getting back home from Roro's house to getting ready for bedtime.  NCIS was on and you looked up and saw the character Ziva David played by the actress Cote de Pablo.  You said, "hey, that kind of looks like Aunt Gil" said with a glint of pride looking for validation.  In just those few words I realized how much you have grown.  This is not the only time you started using similes for understanding.  You can compare and contrast while no longer confusing people, places, or ideas.  You know when something is like something else but know that it is still different.  You can take one concept and use it to better explain a new concept.  You might think this is a simple maneuver but I know adults to this day that have difficulties with that process.  At the young age of four, you have said stuff that makes my own mind grow and that my only response can be, "you're right" or "yeah, I can see that".   It doesn't happen every time, I mean you are only four and occasionally you compare the most oddest things which might make sense to you but leave mom and I scratching our heads.  So just keep practicing those observations as those new neural pathways develop.  As for your Aunt Gil looking like Ziva, we will let her decide but yeah, I can see that.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Feel Like Jello

To my son Tommy,

I feel like jello.  No this is not some strange food craving nor a new food for you recent food challenge.  This is the feeling of every muscle in my body as I worked out in the gym for the first time in way too many flag days.  A friend reached out on Facebook looking for a workout partner in the area.  We were both members of the local Planet Fitness so we met up and worked out and started ourselves back on the road to fitness, or at least that is the plan.  Drew and I both need some time back in the gym, but my rotund figure definitely shows I need it a bit more.  It is good to catch up with a friend and to see how much we have grown since our bar days, And the best thing is though we are focusing in on us, I bet we both are doing it more to add a few years with our kids.  So tomorrow when I can't pick you up to play, remember these jello arms are my flag day gift to you.

Sincerely with live from your dad,

Leo

Six Months Later

To my son Tommy,

Approximately six months has passed since the Sandy Hook shootings.  I am sad to report that much of the nation seems to have got passed their initial shock and concern and willingness to make real change.  From my point of view it looks like nothing has been done.  All that outrage and head shaking and media coverage and finger pointing and promises of change amounted to zilch.  Plenty of politicians scored political points on all sides of the party lines, all without really doing anything substantial.  I fear that when I print these blogs for you at age 18 that we will still be asking "What has changed? Was anything done?" possibly with a dozen or more tragedies to point to.  It will be December before the nation will have the names and faces of the 26 victims on their lips and in their minds once again.  I have to apologize now for what can only be characterized by another pure and simple failure of my generation.  We really have no good excuse and all the people who come up with one are just lying to themselves and trying to belay their guilt for our inaction.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Violence Begets Violence

To my son Tommy,

If you show violence or anger or rage or any of those nasty emotions to another person, you will receive them right back.  It is only human nature and I lived the perfect example of it today.

When I drive the company truck, I attempt to follow all laws and all speed limits.  Consequently I go slower than the average driver who tends to disregard the speed limit.  To counteract this and to be courteous to others, when available, I move to the right lane so people can speed by me and get to where it is so important that they get to in a timely fashion.

I had just moved over to the right lane, as soon as the right lane opened up, to let others pass me who had ended up behind me on the previous one lane road.  We all came to the traffic light at the same time and the guy who pulls up on my left angrily demands I roll down my truck window.  He is driving one of those hot rod muscle cars and vaguely reminded me of a cross between a teenage Napoleon and Gumby.  Figuring he just wanted to berate me for driving the speed limit, I reluctantly rolled down the window.  I was met with a tirade of swears and curses that would make even your mom blush.  He accused me of trying to run him off the road.  I had no idea what he was talking about so I told him he was nuts.  He insisted and continued his bad word barrage, so I gave him the symbol for "back at ya bud" which I have learned is extending the middle finger.  You see violence begets violence and you get what you give.  The gentleman then threatens to "kick my ..." and before my laughter subsided thinking about being beat up by a 100 pound Napoleonic Gumby on steroids, the light turned green.  I rolled up my window as Mr. Muscle car floored it which seems to make his muffler suffer as if to show me his prowess.  When it became obvious that we were going to come to the next red light together, despite his impressive take off from the last light and my lackluster take off, he purposely ran that red light to show me he wasn't afraid of breaking the law.  The car behind him pulled up and asked me to roll down the window.

I thought to myself, "geez not another...what did I do to this guy" but I obliged.  The new driver was much nicer and said he saw everything that happened and agreed with me that RoadRage Gumby was a jerk.  I asked what I did wrong and he explained.  The kid saw the upcoming right lane opening up and instead of waiting for the lane to legally open up, decided to pass me and the two cars behind me using the emergency lane.  When I got to the right at the first legal chance, I didn't check my mirror because I assumed no one could be behind me on the right.  I did in fact almost run that guy off the road.  I guess he thought I did it on purpose as an act of vigilante car justice but I can only claim obliviousness.

As I travelled in the rest of the way to work, I thought about the events that occurred.  I realized that though I was confused as to what I did wrong in that guy's eyes... I only met his violence with bewilderment for a few seconds before resorting to nastiness myself.  You truly get what you give out, and I am not yet as forgiving and patient a man to not fall into that trap myself.  A shudder went down my back as I said (perhaps forced) a prayer for the guy in the other car because if he continued his actions he certainly will either kill himself or someone else.  When you grow up, be careful out there on the roads.  Always check your blind spots on merging even if there is no legal way that someone should be there.  And never start a confrontation with as much piss and vinegar as that young man did, because when you start out like that, it is hard to reverse and there is really only one possible outcome, which is more violence.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Discerning Palate

To my son Tommy,

So it turns out that the speed bump we hit with your food intake last night was due to the macaroni being cooked in water with olive oil.  Somehow you could tell right away and were not having any part of it.  Not sure if you have super human sense of smell, taste, or sight but you certainly knew.  We made a new batch in fresh water later that night and all was well.

This food intuition has struck before when we realized that some McDonalds in the PA area either use different oil or perhaps local grown potato for their fries.  When these alien fries were placed before you, you looked at us as if to say "no, no...I said McDonald's fries...but nice try" and no amount of convincing or cajoling would sway you.  Perhaps this means you will be a prime candidate for one of the dream jobs of the average joe... Brew Master!  But for now I just wish your palate would cut your parents some slack.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Ebb And Tide

To my son Tommy,

Wars and battles are odd things.  One moment victory seems to be right around the corner and the next you are becoming overwhelmed by the opposing forces.  Today it looked as if this food thing would be licked in no time.  Tonight has proven there is a long way to go.  God please grant us the strength and patience.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Climbing The Slide

To my son Tommy,

It is inevitable in any child's life, the moment that he realizes he can climb up the slide.  This is probably one of the earliest moments of rebellion.  In your mind you are not only defying the rules but defying the very existence of the laws of nature with regards to gravity and four year olds.  You have had this realized ability for about a year and I have let this scofflaw attitude exist.  But as often happens with the passing of times or the changing of circumstances, conflict arises and what passed for okay before needs to be adjusted.  We had one of those moments in the playground after mass.  I told you I didn't want you going up the slide part with all these kids around.  I asked you to do the most difficult task and to not do what all the other kids were doing and do the right thing.  It is only because I see the potential for injury in the log jam on the large curly screw shaped slide.  I saw a wee one, one smaller than you, fall off that slide today due to the bigger kids  climbing up and sliding down at the same time.  I panicked and was frozen and tried to alert the adult nearest.  Lucky enough the little one somehow managed to land on his feet.  And though you weren't directly involved, you are the only one I can directly manage.  You cried and argued and pouted at the bottom of that slide.  You reminded me of how "unfair" it was to me when my parents made me follow rules because of other people's mistakes.  You respected my rule even though every other child seemed to be going up the slide just to spite us.  You did, however, manage to negotiate that if the crowd died down and the slide was clear that you could go for your daredevil climbs.  And being a stubborn Irishman like your old man, you were determined to stay till enough people left and you could take advantage of your negotiated deal.  It is such a weird point of view to finally be on the other side of the "slide rule" and only now am I certain that one day in the distant future you will finally understand that occasionally you have to subject your child to rules and higher standards because of other people's actions.  And one day in the distant future you will realize that just because you can climb up the down slide, doesn't mean that it is the right thing to do and you have to do it.  You may realize that when everyone goes up the steps and down the slides, it works better for everyone.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Brought To Tears

To my son Tommy,

Mommies are strange beings.  Occasionally they unexpectedly leak water from the eyes.  Even though they are happy and excited and overjoyed, they can still be crying.  Want to know what can bring your mother to tears?  You chewing and swallowing macaroni.  That is all it takes.  As we take on your challenging eating habits head on, this small step is a big leap.  Not only does it show progress, it renews our hope and vindicates our efforts.  We will bribe and extort and try just about anything to get through this eating thing and we will do it without shame.

Your bribery reward was a phone call to Santa.  Your mother has some serious connections.  Santa told you to continue eating and assured us that macaroni and cheese only causes red nose in reindeers.  Your mommy thought that Santa may have been channeling some Monsignor by his voice.  We owe Santa a big thank you for taking time out of his off season to help us with your eating habits.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Shared Experience

To my son Tommy,

Some people wonder why I journal our life and my advice to you in the public forum of a blog.  From time to time, I have wondered that myself, but I came to a realization that we are all in this together.  Everybody goes through similar thoughts and similar challenges and similar events of life.  It is our shared existence and our shared experiences that teach us compassion and love.  When we share our life, we find people willing to help and occasionally we help others through this simple act of sharing.  We find out we are not alone.

Take for example yesterday's post about the challenges of food.  Many have empathized and have either gone through it or still are struggling with it.  By sharing, others know they are not alone and we know we are not alone.  Others see what we are trying.  Others can help us and suggest resources and tactics they have tried or heard about.  The outpouring of concern is overwhelming in a good way and leads to promise and hope and more.  Thank you to all.

So no matter if someone comes to read to help, or comes to read to laugh or commiserate, or comes to read for insight or just to keep up on what we are doing, we welcome all to our pages.  These letters to you have the same focus as a spreader shotgun with an unchoked cylinder barrel at forty yards.  But the spread pattern is the same spread pattern that life throws at us day after day.  And one day the reader coming to laugh and cry and look for that inspiration and to figure out that it has all been done before...well that reader will be you my son.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Food Food Glorious Food

To my son Tommy,

One of the most challenging aspects of your young life has been your eating habits, or should I say lack of eating.  Picky eater is definitely an understatement.  Recently your mother and I started looking at feeding clinics and such.  But we just received the application to one and it became obvious that we are not the ideal candidates for these programs.  The daunting and overwhelming application asked for info from therapists and specialists and IEP's and videos of feeding sessions and such.  Plus we heard about horror stories of forced feeding and if that happened I wouldn't be able to contain my fatherly protection instinct.  So I think we nixed the idea of the food clinics and have renewed our own personal efforts starting tonight.

We started with making macaroni and cheese.  I talked it up with you and your mom talked it up with you.  As mommy cooked, we called about ten different family members to do a poll and find who likes macaroni and cheese and created the ":Macaroni and Cheese Likers Club" and hoped you would become a member.  You didn't become a member but you did make strides.  You tasted and chewed on plain macaroni with some salt on it.  Of course you spit out the food every time you chewed it up but it is a start.  Before you wouldn't even put a new food in your mouth.

Emboldened by the results, we took you shopping at the grocery store.  We tried to really involve you in the food selection and grabbed a bunch of new foods for you to try.  Again we are just trying to get you to be brave enough to taste, bite, chew, and (most importantly) swallow new foods.  Tonight you chewed (but spit out) some cheese slices and some crackers and you licked bananas before we reverted to your normal established dinner.  Even though these were great strides for one day, it is still hard for us not to get frustrated.  But then we got to dessert.

While we were at the grocery store, your daddy picked up some snicker doodles.  They are one of those foods that just call to me like a siren of the sea.  These were the soft and chewy type.  I thought you might be able to handle them but secretly I figured they would end up being all mine.  We had given you teddy grahams for dessert but you balked for some reason.  I grabbed my cookies and was chomping down when you came over to protest your dessert option.  I told you, "Don't you dare bite daddy's cookie" as I held it out where you could get your mouth on it.  We played this dance where I would pull it away and "catch" you trying to bite and warn you against it as you would try to act like you were biting it.  Every now and then during the game I would push the cookie to your tongue before pulling it away.  This game went on for about five minutes, each time you getting closer and braver to biting the cookie, getting little tastes and small crumbs, and then I made sure a larger piece broke off in your mouth.  You had that moment of panic where you were going to spit it out but the sugar content beckoned to you to swallow.  And you did! Chewed, swallowed, and came back for more.

Your sweet tooth might be the key to getting you used to trying things.  We will worry about switching up more healthy food options after we get over this hump.  Your mom and I are going to be trying just about every trick in the book.  And we might even go out and get a few brand new books or write our own.  We are going to enlist our family and friends to get you excited about trying new foods.  We are going to involve you in cooking and choosing and hopefully we will make some progress.  We will attempt to be as patient as can be as we finally make a full on press to get you over this hurdle.  We will stick with the same half dozen newly introduced foods, over and over again with some common sense adjustments or adaptations.  And your mom and I await the day we hear that sincere, "May I try that?" as you point to some brand new food somewhere.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Oldies But Goodies

To my son Tommy,

I have come to the realization that my parents didn't listen to old music on purpose.  They simply just didn't realize it was old music.  Unfortunately I have come to this realization after looking up the release year of each song that has come up on my Spotify.  Evidently I am under the illusion that the music I listen to is contemporary and current.  When each song was released in the 20th century though , it remains quite difficult to keep up the delusion. You will most likely have an uphill battle trying to get me to appreciate your music when you get into your teens, but I promise to try my best and hope you sample and learn to appreciate some of my old timer tunes, just like I learned to appreciate what used to be called classic rock, which my parents thought was contemporary, and now might be better reclassified as just oldies.  I feel old and I might go get out my walker and geritol and my tape cassette Walkman.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Aunt, Godmother, and Friend

To my son Tommy,

When we went to the library the other day, your mom borrowed a movie called Hocus Pocus.  You have been in a "magic" type of mood, talking about wizards and wands and witches.  I think one of the driving influences in your sudden interest about magic comes from the Wizard Of Oz and maybe a Sesame Street episode or something like that.  Your mom figured this movie would satisfy your need for magic and incorporate your love of songs in movies.

Your Aunt Na loves the movie Hocus Pocus, so you called her up and invited your Godmother down for a movie night.  Now a twenty something rarely would make time for a movie night with a four year old.  They often have other things to do.  But your Aunt Na came right down and watched the movie with you.  She even hung around after and read a book with you.  Remember yesterday when I told you that true generosity is giving of yourself?  Well you have yet another good example of this in your life with the love given to you by your Godmother, your Aunt, and one of your best friends.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

How To Impress

To my son Tommy,

People spend so much time and effort in their lives trying to impress other people.  They attempt to impress with their wealth and their intellect and their athletic prowess and so many other aspects of life.  You have no control over what actually impresses people, but if you ever end up with a choice, impress them with your generosity.  I am not talking about generosity where you give millions because you have millions.  I am talking about true generosity when you give of yourself.  A gift of pure love where your gift is not encompassed by a dollar amount but comes from pure intention without any promise of personal gain or return.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Definitely Not A Graduate From PCU

To my son Tommy,

You learn way too many things from me.  Consequentially your level of political correctness is probably substandard for your age and has little chance of recuperating over the next decade.  Take for example the saying I taught you to say after every song or joke that you perform.  In the style of a vaudevillian act shilling the food special at a bar gig, I taught you to say, "Thank you, thank you.  We are here every Sunday.  Try the veal.  It's young."  which though it makes me chuckle every time you say it, the phrase is bound to upset some PETA advocate or some oversensitive vegan.  They won't care that it is just a joke nor won't appreciate that a four year old has no idea what veal is.  But I do have to watch what I teach you, if for no other reason than to make sure you have a father to teach when to censor the stupidity.  You see every time you repeat one of these colorful lines I have taught you, I am pretty sure I can tangibly feel your mother planning my demise.  You may never be a graduate of Politically Correct University, but you will learn to be funny and to avoid being spiteful with  your silly jokes and hopefully will be able to make your mother laugh enough that she doesn't want to kill your dad.

Sincerely with love from your not so politically correct father,
Leo

Watch Your Step

To my son Tommy,

During our walk this morning, you gave me some practical advice that I am not sure I will ever be able to follow.  "Daddy, don't step in any caterpillar poop!"  About a half block later you said, "If you see any caterpillar poop, will you tell me so I don't step in it?"  I blame the concern about caterpillar poop on your cousin Emma and cousin Charlie.  At the last party at our house, you guys found a bunch of caterpillars in our yard.  I wouldn't be able to spot caterpillar poop unless it was freshly produced, but I know it is out there, and I know you are correct and we should probably avoid it.  In life, It is often the poop that we can't see or can't recognize that we end up stepping in and getting into trouble.  Beware the caterpillar poop.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo