Backfire

To my son Tommy,

This morning, your mom was long gone. She has an exam today and left in the wee hours of the morning to go to school and study. So once again it was you and me.

One of the tricks I use to ensure a smooth morning is the early morning wake up. I wake up at 6:40 instead of the normal 7:00. I call for you to wake up. You moan and groan as usual and I promise you five more minutes of sleep. The plan then is to get myself ready and make your breakfast, and then call to you to say the five minutes is up. It is the same basic plan as any politician, take a lot and give a little back and hope your constituents don't realize the disparity. Well my constituent and I get an earlier start and you think you have been blessed with five more minutes of slumber.

Today, that plan backfired. You see after I promised you five more minutes, I went in the potty. Things were just starting to move when you came running in saying you had to go potty NOW! I protested and tried to send you down the stairs to the other bathroom, but you said you couldn't do it. So here are the options as I saw it.

1. Make you go downstairs anyhow and deal with the consequences and mess if you didn't make it.
2. Suck up the turtle head and penguin walk down the stairs myself.
3. Introduce you to peeing in the tub when you are not actually showering.

I chose number two (no pun intended) and learned a valuable lesson. From now on I will potty before waking you. The choices and sacrifices of a father.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Passion

To my son Tommy,

I never know when you will read these. I am not sure if you will read these as soon as you can or you will put them away and pull them out much later in your life. Are you reading this with three or four decades under your belt? This is probably best read then.

In all your life, have you ever been five moments past the point of breaking? You just don't know how you are going to hold up and the only thing you are sure of is life is still going to keep coming at you. You ever have that point where you are trembling because your body can't decide if it wants to scream or cry? It seems you have every bad emotion coursing through your veins and each one is screaming that life is not fair. You get to the point where you have lost faith and lost hope and you may even scream, "I hate you God." even if you really don't mean it. You feel lost and alone and have no faith. Well, I have. I have been there more recently than I would admit and keep coming back there more often than I should.

On this Palm Sunday, through scripture, I am reminded that I am not alone in this feeling. It is part of the human condition that even Jesus had to endure. I have this picture of Him in the garden of Gethsemane falling to the ground and weeping. My own words mix with the words from scripture. I can hear Him saying "This sucks" and "You can fix this if You wanted to" and "Let this cup pass from Me" and tons of yelling "Why?!" as he talked to his Father and faced His impending death. In the end, He trusted in God and the plan laid before Him and said, "not as I will but as You will" (or in other words "Thy will be done.") as He accepted what He had to do and He became the vessel by which we would receive God's forgiveness and grace. This goes without saying but, Jesus was a better man than me. I am still having trouble accepting and having faith. Perhaps I am more like Peter, and when things get tough, I turn quicker than a cock can crow.

Either way, you will probably have had these moments. If you haven't, count yourself blessed, but these moments might yet still come, whether you had them in the past or not. You might be ashamed of these moments of doubt and moments of weakness and moments where you lost all faith and hope. You may have been angry with God and the world and you may lash out at the people you love the most. I am here to tell you to be not ashamed and or afraid. It is okay to pray, "My Father, hear my cry!", and it is okay to say to your loved ones, "I need help!", and it is okay to be angry with God, as He can handle it. But in the end, things are going to happen that you will have no control over. Sometimes the only control you have is controlling how you act or react. Try to do so with love. You will have to find the strength from within to continue on and accept the path before you. But if you find yourself laying on the ground weeping and questioning, know you are in good company.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Don't Be Scared

To my son Tommy,

Last night, while your mom attended your cousins school play at IND, you and I went out shopping. I needed a diversion. We got some practical things, like a new outdoor trashcan, and some less than practical things, like a couple teenage mutant ninja turtle characters. I told you, on the toys, we had to stay under ten bucks. You found one for about eight bucks. You immediately grabbed two. One for me, one for your you, so we can play together. How nice of you, you always think of others.

This morning, I asked if you showed your mom your new toys. I told you to go get them from your headboard where they spent the night. You said, "Mom, I got to show you these new toys! But, don't be scared because they are ninja turtles." As I said, you always think of others.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

The Negative Rep

To my son Tommy,

Last night was spent with Grandpa Leo at the ER for another seizure due to his brain cancer tumor. Last night I was close to breaking as we dealt with this. This is obvious when you read my social media status where I degraded into using a bad (albeit quite utilitarian word) to describe how I feel about all this. The slightly censored version would read  "F*@# brain cancer... F*@# seizures... F*@# hospitals" as I let the world know how I felt in a less than poetic way. Just a few hours before I was all laughs and jokes and now I was filled with anger and hate.

In my journey through the forty plus years of my life, I have found that sometimes you have to get mad to get through. It is easy to replace tears with piss and vinegar. Anger sometimes helps you push off dealing with all those "weak" emotions so you can get by and get things done that need to be done. They call them weak emotions but that really isn't true, as it shows more strength to cry and show your true feelings despite the stigma. But these emotions are very overwhelming and can sometimes hinder the task at hand, so if you replace them with something, you can cope better with what you have to do. You will still have to deal with all of it later, as this is simply a delaying tactic.

If you ever get into lifting weights, you will eventually learn about the negative rep. This is when you load up the bar (for say a bench press) with a high amount of weight and you lower it (which they call the negative part of the motion) as slowly as possible. At first it seems easy, and you begin to question if you put on enough weight. You think to yourself, "I can handle this!" Then as you continue lowering it slowly, your muscles begin to fatigue and burn. You would swear someone added weight to the bar without you seeing. You think to yourself, "I can still handle this. I got this." You continue further and further in the motion and the weight gets unbearable, and you switch from lowering the weight to trying to push it back up with every ounce of energy you have. You grunt, you groan, you sometimes even yell as you try to will the weight back up. You get angry at it and you pull from deep in your emotional well, but no matter how much you fight back, the weight still is coming down as if it is hell bent on crushing you. Then finally it touches your chest and hopefully your spotter helps you pick it back up to the starting the point. You look at him with this incredulous face as he says, "That was one. You ready to go again?" Do it again? Didn't he just see what you went through?

I have found anger as a way to get through. It is not the best way. It is not something to be proud of. It can hurt those around you. But unfortunately it is one of the only ways I know to get through this and get things done that need to be done without becoming a bucket of tears babbling to myself in the corner. I hope you don't follow my example and I hope you find a better way. Because for all that anger, all that screaming and yelling and cursing and fighting back, that weight is still coming down. It is only through the help of God and the help of others, our spotters in life, that we can return the weight back to the normal position. When life gets hard, find that way and rely on those around you for help, and more importantly, when life gets hard for people around you, be that way for them.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

P.S. Your Grandpa Leo is now home from the hospital and they made a slight adjustment (which is more a guess and that is why doctors call it a practice) to his meds, but unfortunately they also said we can pretty much expect more of this from time to time as things progress. As for me, I am at that point where I am looking tot he heavens at the ultimate spotter with that incredulous look on my face as He allows the weight to come down yet again.

Cut Flowers

To my son Tommy,

Cut flowers are the biggest waste of money. They are impractical to say the least. Spend thirty bucks on a bundle of buds that are destined to die and do so quickly. Plus, in our family, hay fever is prevalent so introducing a pollen source is pretty silly. If you are going to buy flowers, at least go for a potted version which are much less fleeting and much more durable.

Still...it isn't every day your mom gets inducted into an honor society for her nursing grades. And... no words can convince a woman of the specialness of a moment like a surprise bouquet. Plus... gerber daisies make your mom smile, and I'd do and pay anything to see your mom smile.

So don't shun cut flowers totally in your life. They have their place, even though everything I said about them in the beginning of this letter is true. Just don't rely too heavily on them and remember unexpected flowers are much more effective. And always remember, gerber daisies make your mom smile.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

You May Have To Grow Into It

To my son Tommy,

The robe from your Great Grandpa Leo is a bit big for you right now. I'll use it till you  grow into it. You can still use it to dress up as Santa, or a druid, or cult member, or whatever.

Sincerely with live from your dad,

Leo

Going Through Stuff

To my son Tommy,

Not sure if this hat was your Great Grandpa Leo's hat or your Nana Jeanne's hat, but now it is yours. Going through a loved one's stuff after they have passed is so bitter sweet and an emotional roller coaster. To get through, take the laughs where you can get them.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Suit Up

To my son Tommy,

Today we actually bury your Great Grandpa Leo. We will drive a two hour trip up to Cumberland to St. Peter and Paul Cemetery and say the last good byes to the vessel that carried your great granddad's soul. From here on out, we will have to talk to him in our prayers. But I think he might already be talking to us.

With a two hour trip ahead and no idea how wet the cemetery grounds are, the question of whether to wear a suit or not came up. At first I thought your great grandfather was being interred in the same cemetery as your Great Great Grandma Pauline Kidwell. All I remember of that cemetery, when we your great grandparents brought up her ashes from Florida, was a bunch of walking and a big huge hill.  I was later told that it was a different cemetery but still worry about how sloppy the grounds might be in addition to the two hour drive. There is no right answer here and each person will make their own choice, but after discussing with your mom we decided on comfort today.

Even though it makes much more sense, I was still feeling a bit bad about the decision. Suiting up was a way to honor your great grandpa. Soon, however, my mind switched focus and started pondering some memories of your Great Grandpa Leo. I remembered the time he and I went to the grocery store and he took a chiquita banana sticker off the nearest banana and put it straight in the middle of his forehead. People would walk up to him and alert him to this fact and he would politely thank them and explained he knew without expounding. They would walk away perplexed and, being the teen or pre-teen I was, I would slink behind him a bit more mortified than before. When I got home, I ran to my dad and my uncles and told them of this craziness. They laughed and told me I was lucky because when they were younger, THEY had to wear the stickers in the grocery.

So re-armed with the lesson from my youth, I pulled on my jeans, determined yet again to not let my appearance define me. I pawed the shirts your mom left out on the bed and though they were great suggestions, I didn't find anything that I wanted to wear. I approached my closet, dove into the middle, and the first shirt I find is a guayabera style shirt, that may have even come from your great grandfather's personal collection. It was settled. I put on the shirt and looked in the mirror, and I imagined myself with a white flop hat and those blu-blocker type sunglasses that go over your regular glasses, and all of a sudden the man in the looking glass was my grandfather with a big grin and I could almost hear him say, "Good on ya boy." I grabbed my rosary and dropped it in the front lower pocket of my shirt to complete the suit up process. Wonder if I can find some chiquita banana stickers for our foreheads.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

No Water

To my son Tommy,

You know what I was thinking this week was missing? A well pump problem at your grandparents house. I mean, that is just what we need with all the family coming into town for a funeral, no water. I'd hope it is just the breaker, but with the way things are going currently I know the entire well pump will need to be replaced. And that is just one of the extra things that have gone wrong this week. I am about to head back out to the Randallstown house because your mom left her phone there. The hits keep coming.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Frozen Ground

To my son Tommy,

Did you know that frozen ground is a consideration for funeral burials? I sure didn't. But right now, up in Cumberland Maryland, the ground is too frozen to inter your Great Grandpa Leo. In fact your Great Great Aunt Jule (his older sister) who passed 3 weeks ago is still not properly buried. They think the ground will be okay soon (supposed to heat up to 50 or 60 by midweek) so they have scheduled the interment for this Friday the 13th up in Cumberland. That puts the funeral mass for Thursday the 12th at 9:00 am at Holy Family Church in Randallstown and the viewing Wednesday the 11th with the typical 2-4 and 6-8 viewing times up at Haight Funeral Home in Sykesville. That should give enough time for your other great uncles to get into town so they can say goodbye to their father.

Your Nana Jeanne is home from the hospital. She is holding up well and is very happy to be home. She still has to recover some more from her surgeries and needs our prayers but at least she can do so from the comfort of her own bed and chair. I guess, for the most part, everyone is holding up well. We are all grieving, but since your great grandpa was 93 years old and his end was imminent, that does take a little bit of the shock and sting out of it. Death still sucks, mind you, but it eases it ever so slightly.

As for our immediate family, we had some extras thrown on top of the current going ons. My passenger side mirror on my truck got hit and broke off and I am waiting to replace it. So Wednesday, when your great grandpa passed we decided to go see the family and give them hugs despite the impending snowmageddon, we chose your mom's car. Except it started knocking and we made it a quarter of the block before the check engine light came on and we backed up and parked it and took my truck despite the missing mirror. Then the other night, I lost a crown as I ate. Just those fun added stresses of life that we could do without during an already difficult time.

Anyways, we are going to get your mom's car up to the mechanic shop today and yesterday I got my crown fixed at the dentist office. Last night I took a pain pill for the tooth fix before crashing to bed early. It gave a bunch of crazy drug filled dreams. Most of them were nonsense and crazy but I woke up with these words in my head.

I cursed time for passing so quickly and time said "Why curse me? I am neither good nor bad. I exist for you to use as you will. I die and am reborn every instance of life. How you remember my passing is consistent with how you lived each moment. For I am simply the present, the now."
I looked death in the eye and cursed him for what he did to my grandfather and death said "Why curse me? I am neither good nor evil. Time unknowingly brings you to me, and I am obligated by my existence to do my job. I am simply inevitable."
I turned my anger towards God who allows time to pass and death to exist, and he replied "Why curse me? For I AM and this also means I am beyond, beyond death, beyond time. And I sent my only Son so you too can conquer death and live with ME in eternal life. For simply I AM"
Left with no one to curse, no one to deserve my disdain and spite. I began to grieve. When I am done grieving I will continue moving on, hurtling through time towards the inevitable and hopefully beyond.

Drug induced sleep ramblings of my mind that I had to get out on paper. I haven't had such "deep thoughts" since my days of following the Grateful Dead. Do what you will with it.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

What Matters

To my son Tommy,

I am not implying that dying is any walk in the park. I'd imagine the whole end process is not the most enjoyable experience for the deceased while they were alive. But, and perhaps this may seem callous, death is harder on the living than it is on the dead. Let me explain.

When you are dead, most likely nothing really matters to you, at least nothing worldly. When you are dead, you probably don't care what type of wood your casket is made from. When you are dead, you don't have to worry about what suit they pick out for the viewing. When you are dead, you don't have to worry about all this and many many many more worldly things. These were things that mattered to you when you were living and now are things that are someone else's problems.

This is almost universal no matter what you believe. Don't believe in an after life? Then you won't care about much, not even about where they would spread your ashes. Believe in reincarnation? Think that you are coming back as a flower or something? Then you would be busy worrying about fertilized ground to dig your new roots in as the daffodil you have become. Believe in heaven? Then your soul has defeated death and transcended the pettiness of this earthly world and your soul is filled with love and only focuses on what truly matters. Believe in hell? Well, then you have much worse problems to deal with than who made it to the funeral. No, these things just don't matter to the dead.

Then why, if we realize it doesn't matter to them anymore, does the passing of our loved ones leave us with such guilt and regret? Why does grief fill us with the "Would've, should've, could've, if only" mentality? Perhaps it is because the living still think we have more control in this crazy world than we want to admit that we do. That is why we worry about what happened and what didn't happen. That is why we obsess over things that really don't matter to the dead and shouldn't really matter to the living.

Yesterday before your Great Grandpa Leo passed, I spent an hour sitting with him. I left work early, and I went down and sat with him. He didn't respond. Not sure he knew I was there. I stroked his head. I held his hand. I told him I was with him. I told him we all loved him. Occasionally he attempted a guttural response to seem to acknowledge me, but perhaps I was projecting a bit. But after an hour, I left. I didn't recognize that this was the last day and I was not there when he passed and I feel guilty. I only had to stay another two hours and I would have been there when the time came.

Your Grandpa Leo didn't get to see much of his father (Great Grandpa Leo) after they moved him to the home last week. Of course your Grandpa Leo is immune compromised with his chemo treatment for his own problems, so he needs to stay away from hospitals and such. He did get in there to see him a couple days ago though. But he feels guilty for moving him to the home and for not being able to visit as much as he wanted to. We all understand that he was doing what was best, but that doesn't lessen the guilt or make things easier.

And so it goes through the family. Each with his regret. Each thinking, "I should've been there" or "If only I had done this" or "Why didn't I..." Each of these thoughts and regrets and guilty feelings doesn't make a hill of beans to your Great Grandpa Leo right now. He knows he was loved. He knows we were there for him, sometimes in physical presence and sometimes in spirit. If what we believe is correct, than your great grandfather is headed towards those pearly gates and all the things that bothered him on this earth (and that still will bother us for some time to come) probably seem so stupid and petty. He is up there shaking his head and chuckling that big deep belly chuckle of his right now.

I know we are going to have to go through this again, yet I pray no time soon. We have a fair amount of people in our family that are in mortal danger. I often ask for forgiveness from your Grandpa Leo and tell him that I am going to make a bunch more mistakes before his brain cancer ends up running its course. He laughs and tells me he loves me and then laughs again and tells me "it" (whatever the it we are talking about at the time, be it money, or your grandmom, or the house, or donating his body to science, or all the petty worldly stuff) won't be his problem anymore.

So let me make you this promise my son. I forgive you. I already forgave you unconditionally the day you were born but I forgive you now again. And after I pass, you will know I forgave you and it will be up to you to forgive yourself. Because, I forgive you for any "would've, should've, could've, if only" you can think of when I die. I forgive you for mistakes you might make. I forgive you for picking out the wrong tie for my viewing. I forgive you for grieving "wrong". I forgive you for laughing. I forgive you for writing out your feelings for the world to see on the internet, if that is your thing. I forgive you for any time we missed together. I forgive you for tending to the matters of the living while I was dying. I forgive you for not verbalizing those things held in your heart and that you will begin questioning if you said enough. I pardon any possible transgression you can think of when the end on this earth comes for me. Because it all doesn't matter. What matters is to know I was loved and you were loved and that continues on, no matter what.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

P.S. The day I went up to the home to see your great grandpa, as I was leaving I stopped to talk to the nurses. We kabitzed a bit and we talked about who I was related to. They were used to seeing your Great Uncle Kevin up there often. They told me how they got freaked out the day before when your Grandpa Leo visited his father. Your grandfather and great grandfather both look so similar right now that the nurses thought your great grandfather had gotten out of his bed and was walking the halls. They thought this perhaps was a miraculous recovery until they figured it out. We all laughed out loud at the mix-up. And for even that I feel guilty.

The World Keeps Spinning

To my son Tommy,

When asked how he was your Great Grandpa Leo used to say, "The world keeps spinning, I just try to hold on." It used to tickle him thinking of this world as a big giant merry-go-round hurtling through space and that we needed to hold on tight, sometimes by a single blade of grass, or risk being thrown from the ride. He doesn't have to hold on anymore. He passed away tonight. God rest his soul. He was a great man by any standards. He loved us all very much and lived a very blessed life for just over ninety three years. He taught us all how to live and how to laugh. The world keeps spinning, now we are left to hold on the best we can, and with the memory and teachings and love of such a great man, hopefully we can hang on a little stronger.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo