That Which Does Not Kill Me

To my son Tommy,

Nietzsche says, "That which does not kill us, makes us stronger." The year 2016 says, "That which did not kill you this year, may have exhausted you enough for the next year to take you out easily!" For it seemed this year did it's darndest to break us. Still as I read back throughout the years on my New Year's eve reflections, it seems many of the years tried their darndest. Still here we are. By the grace of God, here we are, with another year under our belt. And for yet another year, we try to focus less on the struggle but more on those small precious moments that make our heart feel alive. It is difficult to live in what seems a constant state of struggle and still be appreciative of the gifts given. But still we try. And with dubious hope for a smoother year, we find ourselves stepping into the year 2017 with more of a whimper than a declaration saying, "We made it." From the dust of 2016, we hear that one lone weak voice of a friend also saying, "We made it, too. And we are together!" and another and another, loved one and friend, with dry cracking voice from a most trying year, saying "We made it, We're with you." Till hundreds of voices join and amplify this phrase from a whisper to a trumpet blast that defies the struggles of the past. If we think we have to go it alone for the next year with the bruises and wounds of the past, we may not make it. But luckily, we never fight alone.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Christmas Miracles

To my son Tommy,

Of course everyone knows the true Christmas miracle that we celebrate, the birth of Christ. Nothing is more personal and nothing can top that, but occasionally during the Christmas season, we receive gifts of precious little miracles that touch our hearts and warm our insides. We received a couple of these extras this year.

Grandpa Leo was not supposed to be home for Christmas. He was supposed to be in a nursing home rehabilitation center after his last seizure on the 15th. For some reason, perhaps through divine providence, he got to the point that he could get himself up and walk enough that we could bring him home and attempt to take care of him here. So we did, and on the 22nd we took him home. So far, so good, though honestly I pray on an hourly schedule for everything to go well with our decision. Strength, endurance, dedication, devotion, compassion, and sweet time... all gifts given to us to keep him here this Christmas season.

On Christmas Day, we received another amazing gift! Your mother woke with no pain in her hip! We have no idea why, we had no idea how long it would last (though this morning her pain has come back), we simply just were so excited for the short lived break. An amazing respite to hopefully energize our faith and hope that this extreme pain that she feels daily, this too shall pass.

And finally, the Friday before Christmas was the last day we saw your eyeglasses. I spent the past few days searching and searching for these lost glasses. I dug down, deep, and I mean really deep, into my soul and summoned the self control and patience and forgiveness needed to keep calm. I remembered back to the first time I lost my glasses for any significant period of time. The fear of God was put into me along with all those unhealthy emotions of despair, and anger, and hopelessness, and sorrow and disappointment for letting my parents down. Of course the first time I lost my glasses was not around Christmas, and with your mother's help and guidance, I did not lose my temper and ruin Christmas for all. But I did keep looking, in nearly every moment of spare time in the house, almost obsessively.  Finally, this morning, it paid off and there, on the blankets on the chest at the foot of your Nana Jeanne's bed, I found your glasses. Surprisingly, as you put them back on your head, you tolerated the staples I used to make sure they would never be lost again. There wasn't as much blood as I thought there would be. I kid. I kid.

So these are a couple of the Christmas miracles we experienced. To many, these are just everyday goings on. They don't see the miraculous. They are those who demand to be awed and treat God as a magician whose job it is to convince them of his power and existence by doing what is not humanly possible. They want to be wowed and expect their rewards to be grandiose beyond their dreams, as if from Aladdin's lamp. Yet I see the awesome every day; I see these miracles every day! They exists in the smallest of actions, the smallest of gifts, the smallest of reprieves, the smallest little touch, and in the smallest gesture of love. I do not need a d jinn to grant me my wildest wish, I need to humble myself and reawaken to all the gifts already given. I realize that I, and my actions, guided by God's hand, might even be an integral part of any miracle for myself or for others.

Appreciate the miraculous every day of your life, my son, and you will realize how blessed of a life you are already living, even when you have lost your glasses and cannot see.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

RollerCoaster of Life

To my son Tommy,

Life, once again, is filled to the brim with comings and goings and joyous events and tragedies. It sure keeps me on my toes. Let's start with some of the bad news.

Thursday the 15th, nearly a week ago, at dinner around 6:30, your Grandpa Leo had a pretty bad seizure. After our initial attempts to break the seizure did not work, we called 911. The EMTs were unsuccessful in breaking the seizure and the hospital finally got him out of it around 9pm. He is still at NorthWest hospital (room 350) though he hasn't had anymore seizures or episodes. Right now, the left side of his body (remember his brain cancer is in the right side of the brain which controls the left side) is still too weak to come home. The CT scan confirmed it wasn't a stroke, but the seizure and the brain tumor progression basically had a similar effect. Right now, we are looking to get him either transferred down to a room in Johns Hopkins (where his insurance covers everything and all his doctors practice) or, if that can't happen, to a rehab center for a week or two to work on regaining strength. Just need him to be able to get up on his own and get to the potty and back in bed. Also, he was supposed to start his home chemo on the 16th but now we are late on that which kind of becomes a catch 22. He needs to get to rehab to get stronger and come home so he can do his chemo, but without the chemo the tumor is actively making him weaker. Hopefully we can work it out.

Now for the joyous occasions. You received the Sacrament of Reconciliation. You were so excited. You were selected (actually volunteered by your mom but that is just semantics) to give the welcome at the podium and nailed it. Such a rock star! You did forget to shut the door to the confessional room before starting your confession, but as proven many times, we Downeys aren't as private as we should be. I also asked if you told the priest that you had missed Mass, to which you replied, "Whoops." I chuckled and reminded you that if you honestly forget to confess a sin or two, they are forgiven as well. You did proudly proclaim, "Now I can go with you to confession every Saturday, dad!" Um, yeah, okay, every Saturday, or every other Saturday, or once a month, or whatever. No, we will try for every Saturday and we won't let your father's lax Catholic ways become an issue for you!

There are so many many more issues and incidents, both good and bad, that are filling our lives. Sometimes it seems we have more of the bad on our plate, but that just means we have to savor the good even more so. That is what life is like right now, anything but boring with an extra side of difficulty balanced by faith. To be honest, I could use some boring and mundane and stable and predictable and non-urgent in our lives right now, but life often finds a way of shaking it up whenever it gets too comfortable. Or perhaps we do it to ourselves. Who knows? But as we approach yet another holiday season, that include the traditional events (Christmas Eve dinner, Christmas day parties) and some not so traditional events like extra visits to a hospital or medical facility, we embrace the bittersweet as we ride the ups and downs on this rollercoaster of an existence. Just remember to love, and see through any pain and tears to the beauty of this gift we call life.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Sabotage By Nature

To my son Tommy,

Vendors that work with my company often take this time of year to send platters of food and desserts as a little thank you for our business. The office and shop flock to the kitchen for the free grub and most everyone is happy. That is all well and good ... unless you were recently diagnosed with diabetes like your old man was. I am currently down to 271.8 lbs (which is only .8 down from last week as I start to plateua) and struggling! More importantly, I still have that sweet tooth and those cookies look so good and my sugars have been averaging 150 but that is usually before meals!

As I sit there mustering my will power as I stared wantingly at the office kitchen table, I pondered the question as to why the human body sabotages itself. In my youth, I was told to work with nature instead of against it. I took that as a steady hard truth to plan every action. Work with nature, ALWAYS! It is easier to roll a rock down the hill than carry it up, right? It took me many years to realize that nature is neutral and you have to pick and choose when to work with it and when to work against it. It took me many years to realize that if you always work with nature, all your rocks are down at the bottom of the hill.

In my predicament today, nature is devastating! Nature, my body, instinct is saying, "GO AHEAD! SUGAR! YEAH SUGAR! EAT! EAT!" It is like the natural order of my biological system is to stock up sugar for the next great depression. My arteries have become a sort of biological prepper-like sugar silo! My own body and mind has revolted against me and I must dig deep down into my soul to resist.

This kind of sabotage extends throughout the human experience. We, as humans, crave what is bad for us. Many will gravitate to a sedentary life. Not good for the body. Many will flock to the most entertaining, but often least challenging, forms of entertainment, Not good for the mind. Many will take personal gain over doing what is right. Not good for the soul. And all this is, at least as I understand it, human nature. Human nature is actually really shallow and hedonistic. Only by holding ourselves above these natural base instincts, can we hope to survive and thrive. Take a walk. Read a book. Do what is right even if it is hard.

So, as you grow and when I inevitably repeat the trite and tell you how it is easier to work with nature than against it, simply ask me, "What if nature is trying to kill you?" then prove your support for the natural way and stop working on whatever project we started, go lay on the couch, and throw on some youtube of pratfalls or something. That will teach me for blindly passing on a cliché like some people repost fake news on social media.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Justice and Fairness Vs Forgiveness and Charity

To my son Tommy,

We have a dilemma. You see, somewhere in your genetic code, deep down in your core values, we have a strong sense of justice and fairness, which seems to stem from your Grandma Roro's blood line. This not necessarily a bad thing except this sense is hampered by self righteous indignation and the willingness to obsess and hold a grudge and a smug certainty of being right that can hinder forgiveness. All this also from Roro's side, but that means it comes to you from me. Which brings us to our current dilemma

The past week at St Agnes, you had a Santa's Workshop. It is an opportunity to buy your own small gifts  for the special people in your life from some (often crafted) items that were donated to the school fundraiser. The gifts range from $1 to $5 each. Not sure how profitable it is for the school, but it really is a great little idea that promotes so much more than profit. Last year I got the little stocking pictured above. Hey it is the thought that counts!

We sent you in with sixty bucks and a list of twelve people to buy for. You were thrifty and spent $33 on gifts and $1 buck on a raffle for yourself. You came home with your gifts and your sealed change envelope and hid them in your room demanding that we don't look. Today, you went through the gifts and wanted to show me what you had gotten your Godmother Aunt Joanna, a gift you are especially proud of. In the interim, you were also proud of your thrift and pulled out your change envelope. You did the math before you opened it and said, I should have $26 change.

Well you opened it and you were ten bucks short. They only gave you $16 change. I just shrugged. This really bothered you and was a direct affront to the aforementioned sense of justice and fairness. I asked if you checked your change, but you quickly pointed out that you weren't allowed to check your change at school, and this was your first chance. You were/are starting to obsess, You were short changed and someone was going to pay and everyone you talk to from now until then will know about it. That is that other stuff I mentioned before kicking in.

Thankfully, from your Grandpa Leo's side, I have learned to temper my need for immediate restitution that requires the wrong doers to publicly shame themselves with a formal allocution of all their errors and how I am right. I have learned to forgive without pointing out how I was wronged. I have learned to think of the bigger picture, like motivations and final effects. I personally still struggle with this as it seems to be contrary to my deep seeded character flaw of needing to be right, but I keep trying. I fail often, but I do recognize and keep trying.

So this is my opportunity to teach you and it is going to be a difficult lesson. I need to teach you that a mistake was made and it was just that, a mistake, nothing malicious or personal like you probably feel right now. I need to teach you that to make a big deal of this would be petty at best. I need to teach you that occasionally you can let people go on a mistake and there isn't a need to correct everyone, even if you were the one short changed. I need to teach you that the lost $10 is going to the exact place that you were supporting with the other $34 and that everything still works out. I need to teach you that a charitable act can extend well past money. I am not sure I will be able to reach you and we may have to compromise on a simple humble note to your teacher pointing out the error but an agreement to forgive and consider the ten bucks as an extra donation.

Learn and practice forgiveness and charity. Allow those traits to trump your sense of justice and fairness often throughout your life. Silently offer up those times in your life where you end up with the short end of the stick. Offer mercy and forgiveness to those who wrong you, even if you question if they deserve it. Give it to them anyway. For there will come an ultimate day in everyone's life where we stand before Him and ask for His great mercy and His great charity. We are not worthy. But He will give it anyway.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Priorities

To my son Tommy,

By most accounts, at least in the 1st world, our family still has a lot on its plate. From Grandpa Leo's brain cancer, to Grandma Roro's MS and diabetes and heart trouble, to Mommy's bone cancer and crohn's disease and (among other things) a revisit of the hip pain that started the bone surgeries, to my own newly diagnosed diabetes, to your asthma, to selling the old house, and even to Nana Jeanne's age and past medical history, we have plenty to worry about. Life is more about treading water than an Olympic butterfly sprint.

We have gotten fairly good at treading water. Some times we get good enough to have the appearance that everything is hunkie dorie. Sure it was easier when either of your great uncles were around to help, but they have families and responsibilities to them and can't stay with us forever. Plus Grandpa Leo isn't doing chemo and radiation anymore so the transportation burden is definitely been lessened. So I think we are doing okay.

Still, some days are better than others. This was a tough day. The whole downstairs family (you, me, mommy) have gotten ill. You're home from school until Thursday or until your oxygen level in your blood starts naturally saturating at at least 95% because your sinus infection fell down into your chest. You are on some steroids and neb treatments as well as some azithromycin. I am home from work because this sinus cold that I got from you has me wiped out. The doctor gave me a z-pac but basically said going to take a day or two before things get better. The only reason Mommy isn't snuggled up with us right now, she had previous doctor appointments made. She just had an MRI of her hip/pelvis and sure enough she had a reaction to the contrast they used in the MRI. Never had it before but just her luck that she got it today, which delayed her coming home in between her other appointments and made you and I have to run chores together,

So we ran chores, and the first chore was for Daddy to vote. Even as bad as today has been going, there are more important things. Voting is one of them. It would have been easy to skip. I don't think many would have faulted me. Still I had to vote today, it was a moral imperative. I wish I was as smart as your Mommy and voted during the early voting period, but I didn't. So on the way to my doctor, we stopped by and voted. You were all worried because I have been explaining the election process and the voting system and the age requirements, and of course you were not 18 when you accompanied me to the voting table. You even hid the sticker they gave me and I handed to you, worried that you were rigging the election in some way.

Remember, no matter how bad life gets, there are things you still must do. Voting is one of the major players in our civic duty, but there are even more important things still that happen each and every week as opposed to an occasional event that happens once or twice every two years or so. Going to church, telling your mom you love her, doing your best, getting an education, being honest, and being kind are just a couple things that come to mind as the most important things to do no matter what your current lot in life is, even beyond voting though voting goes hand in hand . This, this cold, this horrible election... this too shall pass...and then we will be left with how well we lived, what we did when the chips were stacked against us.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Permanently Changed

To my son Tommy,

Today marks the 5th anniversary of the stillborn birth of your brother Sal. We are also a couple days away from your mom's second surgery for bone cancer (or as we say to you 'bugs in the bones' because we don't want to use the "C" word with you) and hope this one is the fix. The nexus of these two has made for a little perfect storm of dread, and sadness, and depression, and anxiousness in both me and your mother. You, except for a couple out of the blue comments about baby Sal, are somewhat blissfully unaware.

They say time will make it better. I am not too sure of that. The sadness might change with my perspective as I get older, but the sadness is deep and complete. What I am sure is that baby Sal permanently changed me and your mom. A little piece of our heart is always with our littlest angel. He visits in our minds at the most unexpected times, sometimes consuming our thoughts and dreams. He has brought me tears just standing in a grocery line or staring at a computer screen at work.

Daily drama and small setbacks don't even come close to compare. What was once "tragic" before seems almost trivial now that we have experienced personal tragedy in a truer sense. I look in the mirror with disdain if I say "Why does something always happen to us? Can't anything go right!" and curse my self pity for some minor event.

To those who say to move on, I say I will always be his daddy. Your mom will always be his mommy. You will always be his big brother. Nothing changes that, not even moving on. I can't forget it and I can't ignore it and I choose not to hide it. But what works for me may not work for those others who have felt the unwelcomed comradery of this certain type of grief.

So as we deal with the real concerns of life, the sadness from our loss and the anxious concerns for your mom and her pending surgery, we use the only tools we have in our limited arsenal. We use hugs and prayers and love and faith, no matter how shaken it has become.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Just Keep Swimming

To my son Tommy,

Though I have not been inspired to write, or perhaps been too tired and beat down by this world of ours, time continues to march on. You continue to grow so fast. Be it by your newly found swimming confidence, or your new responsibility as a key owning resident of our house, or just your ability to understand the world in your own unique way, I am proud and amazed as how you are growing. The voices in my head just keep whispering, "Don't blink, you may miss it"

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Tricks

To my son Tommy,

When you are seven, every new skill is a "trick". Recently, you have taken to reading nursery rhymes aloud for our entertainment. You have a book of about two hundred rhymes, even though there are less than a half dozen you focus on. Any reading is good reading in my humble opinion, so you could read the same rhyme over and over again to me and I'll still manage to smile. The other day, as you were reading to your mom, you got frustrated because you couldn't find one of your favorite rhymes.

Me: "Use the table of contents trick,"

You: "Oh yeah! Here it is! Humpty Dumpty on page 252"

Using the table of contents is more of a learned skill rather than a trick, but when you are seven everything is magic and new. 

Your old man and mom are learning new tricks as we settle into the new norm that we will have to deal with for the next two months of recovery. We got the medication timing down using containers and an ice cube tray for overflow. We got alarms galore set as reminders. We even got through a shower last night using plastic bags for cover and a shower chair and a ton of tricky maneuvers and shower head hand offs. Still, these are all in the realm of tricks until we become more adept at their execution.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Time

To my son Tommy,

They say time heals all. Well I hope time works quickly with your mom home from her bone cancer surgery. As for you, you spent your time today, with Bwama watching over your mom, making new Lego ships. Whatever helps pass the time quickly.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Hand On Your Shoulder

To my son Tommy,

I come from a long family history with its fair share of anger, violence, stubborn righteousness, and grudge holding. 

There are newspaper stories in our ancestry files of a triple great (or there abouts) grandmother shooting a cop with a shotgun and being found not guilty because she was pregnant and Irish and the cop deserved it. 

Your Grandpa Leo believes that many people in this world deserve a good set of knuckles to the nose, or a swift kick to the nuts, or at least a good piddle on their shoes... and that is on the tame side. If he really has his ire up, your grandpa reverts back to his military training and starts suggesting sniper rifles and mortar fire.

To this day, if the family buys something from Sears, we have to hide the bags and destroy the receipt. You see they screwed over your Grandma Roro back in 1977 or so when she ordered something from their catalog when the family was stationed at an army base in Germany (not sure if it was Butzbach or Hanau). That is a grudge held for almost a half a century now.

And you have already noticed your old man's temper, I am sure. So when you grow up you will hear stories about yours truly and how certain bar customers upset him during his bar tending days. Occasionally, I was unable to fight the family genetic code as I escorted these gentlemen to the door and asked them to never come back again, with my fist.

Even on the X side of the chromosome, there are these tendencies. We can't buy Chic-fil-A because of their politics, unless you dare risk the wrath of your mother. No thank you, she makes Grandpa Leo's mortar fire seem like a less painful alternative! I kid, I kid. Often she is the voice of reason when it comes to conflict and has had a very calming influence to the Downey side.

These are the same traits and tempers that run through your blood. It is a constant challenge to feel God's hand on your shoulder holding you back, from doing something rash and wrong and vengeful but that feels oh so right, and listen to His voice in your head saying, "Yes. I know that guy is a dumbass and deserves everything you are thinking, but he is My dumbass the same as your are mine, and we must show kindness and forgiveness." It is harder than it sounds...especially this week.

You see, after your mother's extremely painful biopsy on Wednesday, where the University of Maryland hospital made us question their competence, we await the results. After hearing the entire story from your mother, which thankfully she was unable to fully relay at the hospital or I would most likely be in jail, they actually did something right and got the biopsy results the next day. I think it was rushed as an olive branch for what they did wrong, but whatever. It should be a good thing to have the biopsy results the next day around 1pm,  right?

Well, unfortunately the orthopedic oncologist and/or his staff didn't react to having the results right away. Instead they started their four day vacation weekend early and perhaps worked only a half day on Thursday. Now we can't even make an appointment to get the results till this upcoming Tuesday. So that puts it Wednesday as the most likely appointment date. At least it is better be Wednesday! I have had the holiday weekend to stew about it. Throw in a trip to the ER for a seizure for your Grandpaon Friday night and a fall he had on Saturday. Let's just say everyone here is on edge; I am on edge. I might miss that hand of God on my shoulder and thus might do something a little more drastic than piddle on their shoes.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

No Laughing Matter

To my son Tommy,

Child poverty is no laughing matter and the dollar or two (or actually six dollars for our six noses) we spent to wear a read nose won't solve the problem by themselves. Still, a dollar could give a meal to a child living in a homeless shelter. Five bucks might be enough to give the proper antibiotics needed to a child suffering from pneumonia. And if we couple our red noses with a million (or even forty million) more red noses, we can make a serious dent in some serious problems. In the meantime we can have some silly fun while helping. During this stressful time of waiting for the bone biopsy results for your mom, we could use all the silly fun moments we can muster.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Shoes

To my son Tommy,

I must admit that I failed in my fatherly duties by not teaching you how to tie your shoes yet. Luckily, we can remedy that. Two nights of practice and you are a  loop and swoop fool! At least you can tie a book now. Shoes soon, maybe with a week of practice!

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Lego

To my son Tommy,

Lego is the plural of Lego. If you want to add an "s" to the end you have to say Lego blocks versus the singular Lego block. You sir, definitely have the plural version of Lego. Easily one hundred pounds of Lego blocks fill these containers, and today you are in a building mood and wanted every box you could find!

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Downey Durability

To my son Tommy,

Well, we made it to Friday and what was supposed to be a magical family vacation has become a test of our family fortitude, endurance, will, and durability.

I am on the mend and made it out to the Animal Kingdom park with you guys yesterday. I was hurting but soldiered through till the end of that park. I think there were plans to hit another park that night, but Mommy graciously didn't mention it and let me sack out as soon as we returned from our day trek.

Mommy just said her throat is hurting and she doesn't want to cough. So I guess my sick passed on to her. You have had a few extra sneezes but seem to have missed the brunt of it (knock on wood)

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Daddy Down

To my son Tommy,

I don't remember taking a bite of a poisoned Apple, nor do I remember having a curse out on me, but none the less I have taken ill. I felt it coming Tuesday and figured I could muscle through. But after dinner Tuesday, I was done for.

Wednesday was me just moving from my left side to my right side in one position in bed. You and your mom got out to see the electric parade in the magic kingdom.

Today I am feeling a little better and will try to man up for our adventures today. Nothing is worse than being sick on vacation. Here are a few pics we got Tuesday before I became no more good.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Magic Kingdom

To my son Tommy,

Mommy: "Thanks for a great day boys. Tommy, what did you think of today?"

You (very matter-of-factly): "Oh... well... just the best day ever."

I laughed when you said it because on one of the rides (Stitch's Great Escape) you were crying and screaming, "I am so scared! I am afraid I am going to die!" I felt so horrible and helpless and thought I am due another one of those parent/of-the-year awards. Just put that future therapy bill on my tab!

Otherwise, two rides broke down while we were on them. And every time we got close to a character for a pic and autograph, they seemed to need a break or cast member change.

But here we are, with you thinking the day is your best day ever, and none of the things that went wrong matter. Those things aren't even a glimmer of thought. You thought of all your blessings. If you use that same attitude and thought only of the good no matter what goes wrong, you will live an amazingly happy life!

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

P.S. Only a couple pics by me to share but a bunch by the photo pass people that we will download and share after the trip and a few more by your mom to grab later!

 

Annoying Dad

To my son Tommy,

I figure the next couple of days of post will quickly become annoying to those who read my letters to you. So be it. This is your first time in Disney and I have no qualms about being that annoying father that shows way too many pics of the family vacation.

You are not a morning person at 4:30 AM.

But then I reminded you where we were going.

Mommy-Tommy selfies at the airport.

Mommy and you chillin' at Disney Springs, you with your new Spider-Man sunglasses and a cherry Mickey shaped lolli and Mommy still getting used to her new wheels for the week.

We did 't eat at this restaurant but were awed by the bones (though the bone at the top of the hip reminded me that my mind easily goes in the gutter)

Your mom's bad hip hasn't stopped you from having those hand in hand strolls with your mom, though every time I tried snapping that pic you guys let go.

Just a couple pics today. Not enough though so thank goodness your mom got some type of photo package for the park.

We finish the day with you and Mommy prepping your trading pins for tomorrow.

Sweet dreams my son, filled with dreams of mice and ducks and princes and princesses and droids and most importantly that magic promise that the Disney future holds for you tomorrow!

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Story Is King

To my son Tommy,

I have often tried to get you to watch the shows and movies from my youth with varying degrees of success. Some you love and some you just haven't been interested in, or at least not yet. I chalked it up to the advances of animation and movie making in the family genre. I mean how can old drawn cartoons like Steamboat Willie compete with the advances of Pixar and such. Still I held hope that one day you would develop a taste for the classics; you would learn to appreciate an old black and white like Casablanca as much if not more as a newfangled movie like Avatar. And, as we sit here and watch Pinocchio and I see the uttermost amazement and see in your eyes, I realize that you have turned a page in your life where substance matters and story is king.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Promise

To my son Tommy,

In every rainbow there is an unspoken promise, a promise that you will make it through the storm. We need that. I need that. I need that reminder. Of course it was sent to Randallstown following a pretty serious hail storm. Always a bit of give and take, good and bad, yin and yang, to every promise.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Anxious

To my son Tommy,

I wonder if human beings are the only creature that thinks about the future with worry and dread. I wonder if we are the only creation that so fears the unknowns the future holds that it actively consumes the present. It is easy to say to live in the moment, and up until this point I have tempered or completely ignored my anxiousness about your grandpa's surgery today. But the moment is upon us and your Grandpa Leo is being prepped for his second craniotomy. The car ride in, the talk between a father and son of what to do in case the worst happens, is very sobering and knocked down all walls I had put up to suppress that anxious concern. So I turn to prayer and ask you to do the same. 

Dear God, Please come into the heart, hands, and minds of the surgeon and all of my father's caregivers today so they can be tools of Your will and deliver Your healing mercy. Thy will be done. I ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Tonsils

To my son Tommy,

Ice cream! Having your tonsils and adenoids removed is a great test on how you approach life. It is easy to look with dread on the pain of surgery and recovery. But instead focus on the amount of ice cream you are going to eat to keep down the swelling and the two or three weeks of watching movies while cuddling with Mommy!

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Lazy Sunday

To my son Tommy,

Your Grandparents are at 10:30 Mass. Your mom is in bed recovering. Your Nana Jeanne is watching QVC or something of the like. Your Great Uncle Kevin is out at the grocery store.You are wearing a rediscovered "daddy" hat  as you are jamming to Disney toons on your boom box (do they still call it a boom box?) in your room while you study Lego  manuals quite intently. I am stuck watching the Muppets because you put it on the TV and then left. The remote is about ten foot away, so I am channeling the pure essence of laziness. If you come out of your room, I will ask you to get it for me. My sloth knows no shame. Anyways, a bit of normal in what is normally anything but a normal existence. I will take it when I can get it.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Intercessions

To my son Tommy,

When a Catholic prays to a Saint, we do not pray for the Saint to do. We pray for the Saint to intercede (ask for help for us or another) to God himself. Technically, it is the same thing as asking your family, your friends, or the guy you pass on the street, to pray for you. We just think a Saint might have God's ear a little more.

Personally I pray to family members who have gone before us to ask for God's help for us. I usually pray for their soul first, just in case they are stuck in purgatory, then ask them to put in a good word for what ever intention I have.

Today, on the anniversary of your Great Grandpa Leo's passing, I have focused my prayers for him and my requests for intercession to him. But frankly, I will take any prayers, any intercessions, from any source, Saint or sinner, believer or not, present or passed, all for your mom's healing.

She got through her kidney stones surgery okay, but unfortunately the doctor doubts this is causing her extreme pain that most recently put her in a wheelchair. I so hope he is wrong and that this surgery will give her some relief, but basically we are back to the drawing board and guessing. The medical community doesn't call it a practice on accident, that is for sure.

Anyway, your mom is home and in bed. I watched her hobble in and down the steps because she wouldn't let me wheel her around. I guess the drugs from the surgery dulled her pain enough to walk for now, thus the picture of Nansy's empty wheelchair. Not sure if the stubbornness is genetic with her, or if it is byproduct of marrying into the Downey family. Waiting for 5pm for prescriptions to be ready so the pain doesn't hit her all at once. Other than that, praying.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Quarantined

To my son Tommy,

You have strep throat, again. We started noticing it on Tuesday night with a fever of 103 or so. Second time this season for strep (could be third but I am losing count on things) but you have had a propensity and susceptibility to multitudes of colds and flus and infections and such this season. They seem to focus around your ears, nose, and throat, and are complicated by your allergies and asthma. Many tell us that having your tonsils removed will help. The medical profession seems to be split on this concept for kids who do not have tonsillitis. Though your mom and I are generally against avoidable surgery, we are getting worried and desperate. So your mom has the number of an ENT specialist, but she has had that for some time and been sitting tentatively and cautiously on that number. For the time being, you are quarantined to the basement and missing a couple days of school.

Leo

Now or Later

To my son Tommy,

There are basically two trains of thought when dealing with snow. Shovel all day as it snows to "keep ahead of it" or wait for things to settle down and deal with it then. I waffle back and forth between both trains of thought, depending on the situation and various factors.

Today, shoveling is sort of like washing your hands before you are done eating Doritos. Basically, any previous efforts are erased. Still, I go out every couple hours and shovel around the heat pump outdoor units at a minimum to make sure they keep running. And that is about all I do because it is nasty and blowing and the two foot of snow will just drift back to where I clear if I go farther. And just that 20 linear feet seems to add up to a tiring three metric tons of snow.

You are unhappy that we won't let you out yet today. You came out last night with me as I did my first (wasted effort) shovel of the driveway, and this morning had a real bad sniffle. It is much nastier than it was last night. But I promised you this snow would be here for plenty of time to get some quality outdoor play in the white stuff.

"Yeah Tom, you should see how high it is where I shovelled. That stuff will be there for awhile!" I assured you.

"You aren't piling it in front of the cars, are you?" your mom interrupted accusingly.

"In front of the cars?! Screw you. In front of the cars? I haven't made it past the heat pumps!" I retorted as I felt the back pain throb to warn me not to go for the driveway yet.

Oh how we laughed. Good times for the blizzard of 2016. I am going for a Guinness or three!

Sincerely with live from your dad,

Leo

Annunciation and Clarity

To my son Tommy,

They say the next generation always lacks clarity when speaking, I have been told this as I grew up and my father often accused me of mumbling, I have seen this from time to time as you speak and get excited, It is a classic role reversal as I switch from the younger generation to being the old guy. However, there are times when you announce and speak very clearly, and this is not always a good thing.

Tonight at the dinner table was one of those cases. I asked you what happened at school. You said, "Guess what [classmate's name redacted] said today! He said 'Holy shit!'" Well you nailed that pronunciation. Loud and clear in your diction. You had special emphasis on the "SH" sound so I couldn't even pretend it was "Holy spit" or something. It was probably a very good thing your mom and your Nana Jeanne weren't drinking liquid at that moment. Their nostrils wouldn't have been able to handle it.

As a father should, I pushed down every natural instinct to burst out in laughter. I explained that even when conveying a story of what another said that it was still inappropriate to say, and offered alternatives to tell the story. I patiently waited for you to finish your dinner and ask to be excused from the table, before laughing my butt off.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Contingency Missed

The

To my son Tommy,

We thought we had planned for every contingency and removed every excuse so you would spend your first night in your new room in your new bunk beds.

We armed you to the teeth with a gun and a sword and a flashlight, though you can't see the flashlight in the main picture above. 

We had removed the chest/trunk that was in your room because it perhaps could house an evil dummy of Goosebumps fame. 

We had taken out the ionic air cleaner that made a slight zapping sound when it did its thing. 

We provided a vicious guard dog to protect you.

We put bells on your door handle as an alarm system.

We blocked the double doors to the back basement with your dresser and had your Mother Mary statue strategically placed on the dresser. (You can just see her head peeking out at the bottom of the picture below)

We hooked in a baby monitor (on the left of your desk) and even enlisted the most unlikely of allies (on the floor to the right of your desk) to ensure your safety!

We even thought of changing the halogen bulbs in the ceiling fixtures to LED bulbs so you wouldn't risk burning yourself.

We didn't however consider that just one little tug to change the bulb on the ceiling fixture would bring the whole fixture down. Your exact words were, "I don't think I am sleeping in here tonight, it must be a trap."

Oh well. After you went to bed in our room, yet again, your mom and I rectified the shoddy mounting job of the light fixture. 

Now we have the daunting task of convincing you to give it another chance.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Reservations

To my son Tommy,

If you want to go out on a date night with your wife, calling and talking about it is one thing. Securing child care and making a reservation brings it from the nebulous state of an idea or a wish or want, and morphs it into an actionable plan that has a higher probability of coming true. Because when you are married with child, it is too easy to crap out on a date night if there is nothing set to increase your commitment level!

A plan is great and much needed when you are a forty one year old husband and dad. However, there is such a thing as planning too much. When you are seven, you may not want to make future reservations and promises and commitments too far ahead. Unless of course you are you, as proven by the text message I received from your mom.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Seven For Being Seven

To my son Tommy,

Top seven things you should know on your seventh birthday.

1. When you came into this world seven years ago, we thought we knew what to expect. We were wrong.

2. You have made our lives exponentially better, simply by being you.

3. Your mom gives the best cuddles.

4. Playing with dolls is okay (see pic above) and I will teach you to deal with those that say different.

5. Be careful with your pants zipper. One moment of carelessness causes way too much pain. Zip cautiously!

6. Even if Daddy says you can't build something (like a real car or a real rocket ship) the proper answer is "Maybe not yet!" Follow that amazing imagination of yours and just keep trying and learning no matter who tells you that you can't and no matter how many times you fail!

7. You are loved immensely and intensely and you deserve every ounce of love you get wholeheartedly!

Happy seventh birthday!

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Next

To my son Tommy,

Nearly all your stuffed animal collection got a ride in your new Christmas present today. Here you are pictured with Dino before switching to next in line. The weather is truly uncanny for January. 

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo