Chores

To my son Tommy,

As you and I were headed out the door this morning, I turned and asked your mother, "Is it trash day or recycle?" For some reason the concept of Tuesdays and Thursdays for pickup I understand but which day is which always escapes me.  It frustrates me.

I heard that same frustration in your mom's voice as she said, "Trash" for probably the 250th time in our five plus years of marriage.  In fact the only one who was excited about taking the trash out before I took you to school was you.

"I can do it daddy!" you demanded as you nearly barreled me over bolting out the door.  This whole having a kid thing was starting to have tangible returns, besides of course the love and pride and all that mushy stuff I talk about normally.  But this! Well this is special, like the first time you could hand me the remote.  Your lazy old man won't be this proud again till you learn to pop the top off a beer bottle and bring it to me.  I kid, I kid.

"Awfully heavy...You sure you can handle this?" I asked seeing three bags stuffed into one can.

You almost seemed offended as you said "I got it".  Then you started wheeling this trash can to the curb. You were doing alright till you got to the steps on the sidewalk.  That is when the plot line turned to a story of struggle and triumph.  Slyly I picked up the back end and got you through your obstacle.  I had just let go with only one step left, in what turned out to be perfect timing, when you looked back because you had an inclination that you were assisted.  I looked away as if to check the street for oncoming cars and watched you through my peripheral vision. Not seeing any signs to the contrary, you determined that you successfully accomplished your task on your own and started beaming with pride.

"Good job with the trash can.  It makes daddy proud when you help out the family." I said as I buckled your seat.  Alluding to your struggle at the steps, I added, "You know, if something is difficult, it is okay to ask for help."

You looked at me with that Irish grin of yours and said, "I know daddy. It's okay if you ask anytime."

I chuckled and thought to myself..."Smartass."

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Without Mommy

To my son Tommy,

I have perpetuated the bumbling father stereotype before.  For the most part this is an act played by an evil genius used for my nefarious purpose to lower people's (mommy included) expectations and to avoid work. Drop and break a couple dishes, no one asks you to do dishes anymore.  Get the picture?  To be certain, many fathers do this and I risk losing my "man license" by exposing the secret that our ineptitude is an elaborate scheme.  Occasionally though I do find myself in uncharted territory and not as confident in my fatherly abilities but like Gunnery Sergeant Highway says we "Improvise. Adapt. Overcome."

It is just you and me today.  Your mommy is still in the hospital and will be for the next week or more.  The Baltimore weather forecasters are all calling for snow in various amounts which, when they can't agree, most likely means an impending blizzard.  When you woke up this morning, you complained of a tummy ache, an area of life that usually falls to the soon to be nurse in our life, aka Mommy!

I checked the normal culprits.  No fever.  You don't have to poop, or so you say.  Can't even get you to eat, in case it is lack of food that is causing tummy pain.  So what is a father to do?  Well dishes and clean up the house of course.  And blog of course.

I learned, from watching the older relatives in my life, that when you don't know what to do in any situation, you do what you know how to do.  When grief or sorrow would enter our lives when I was a child, I would see people start cleaning and/or start baking and/or start cooking and/or do fix up projects and /or clean out cars and other auto maintenance and/or even pull out a deck of cards for a pinochle game.  It confounded me in my youth and seemed such an unnatural response.  So and so is sick so lets clean the living room.  So and so just passed so time to bake a pie.  So and so is heart broken so let me make sure the oil is changed on the car.

Now I know, it is a healthy combination of denial and the attempt to not feel useless.  Your tummy might be upset, and I wish I could magically make it feel better but I can't.  So at least the dishwasher is run and the kitchen sink sanitized with Lysol.  I wish I could cheer you up, but a stomach ache is going to trump any direct attempts.  So at least you will have a clean living room to look at.  Dirty dishes and general disarray contribute to bad feelings in both of us, so why not fix or do what I know I can do.  I wish I could convince you how important it is to poop and/or eat right now but at least it will be documented and maybe stop you from moving from inept father to "overreacting time to run to the hospital for a simple tummy ache" father sometime in the future.

Of course as I was writing this blog, and expounding on the virtues of a good BM to fix most things, you ran off to the bathroom for a potty.  You asked for privacy as you shut the door swearing to me it is only pee time.  A couple minutes later, from the bathroom I hear this, "Wow! Daddy come look at this big poopie!" Ahh, that's my boy!  Amazed at his own creations and always willing to share.  You are in much better spirits and perhaps we are passed this whole bellyache thing, and I know it is all due to me blogging, and straightening, and running the dishwasher.  It had nothing to do with nature and expelling the two foot brown demon from your body by way of the potty.  Nope, definitely the dishwasher.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

P.S.  It is a good thing that among the things I know how to do, among those things I have learned from my younger days, there exists the skills of catching puke with my hands and cleaning up vomit out of carpet and doing laundry.  Evidently the dishwasher was not the cure all I thought it would be.

Father Of The Year

To my son Tommy,

Swing sets and slides are filled with risk and potential hazard even in the best of conditions.  You could slip or fall and we are off to the emergency room.  Add in snow to make everything that much slicker and potentially ten times more dangerous and what do you have?  Well if your father goes out and allows you to play on it, you have a potential "Father of the Year" award candidate, that coveted award sponsored by social services and the Darwin Awards committee.   Of course at least one person would sincerely vote me in for father of the year and that guy is on top of his fort in the snow in the pictures above and below.

Sincerely with love from your father,

Leo

Kinder Bars

To my son Tommy,

When I lived overseas as an army brat in a younger life, I used to eat a certain chocolate bar.  It was mostly milk surrounded by just a little chocolate.  It depended on which country I was living in but the name was either Kinder Schokolade or Kinder Cioccolato and for the extra creamy type there was Kinder Riegel.  They were cheap over there (or at least to the best of my memory) and they seemed to be everywhere and were a good alternative to the omnipresent Toblerone.

One of my favorite stores in the immediate area is Old World Deli and Bakery.  Actually it is up in the Randallstown area by your grandmother's house.  Because it carries so many products from the Europe that were common place as I grew up,  I often shop there for simple nostalgia purposes.  When you combine this store, and my desire to pass on things from my life and my youth to you, and an occasional sense of desperation when it comes to your eating habits, you end up with a four year old with an expensive habit.

One day while buying some weisswurst for you grandmom at the Old World, I spied these confections from my youth.  The price was a bit more than I remembered but at the time no price was too expensive if I could find something (anything) you would eat.  Who knew you would be hooked.

Now every two or three weeks, we stop by and pick up refills.  Mostly they are saved for you school lunch, but occasionally you get a treat (aka bribe) if you eat your dinner well.  I never knew (until recently) they were made by the Italian company Ferrero which also makes two of my other favorites, Ferrero Rocher and Nutella.  I guess being made in Italy, that is why I remember the Kinder bars being cheaper and they are a bit more expensive in the U.S. nowadays.  Oh well, it is a bond between father and son and you are worth every extra penny it costs.  But remember, I like cheaper chocolates too, like Hershey kisses, they are made only a state away!

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

P.S. Picture is blatantly borrowed from the Ferrero site

Medieval Times

To my son Tommy,

We headed out to Medieval Times dinner and tournament to celebrate your cousin Ryan's birthday.  What started out as a great time quickly turned scary.

You and I are fighting the beginning of possible colds and I seriously debated scrapping the whole trip.  No fevers or anything just some nasal congestion.  So I decided we could suck it up and head out and that a minor sniffle wouldn't keep us from some fun.  In hindsight, my idea to cowboy up was more machismo than common sense.

We got there and were having a great time.  We were armed with an allergy free sandwich and thing of pasta.  We had your epi-pen (thanks to Aunt Deb bringing it down) in case you tried any new foods or came in contact with any allergy foods.  I didn't plan for the real culprit of the night.

The show started around 4:30 One second you were enthralled and engaged and sitting right next to me and yelling "HUZZAH!" with me.  Everyone else was just cheering normally so it was special that you and I were yelling a more theme appropriate cheer.  We were about an hour in to the show and then in a matter of seconds you went to lethargic, disengaged, and sleepy.  I immediately knew something wasn't right.  I tried to ascertain if you had ingested anything you shouldn't have and had my epi pen at the ready.  You scratched your throat and almost received an immediate medical injection.  Instead I nearly bulldozed over your Pop-pop as I had to get you into better light.  We headed out to the lobby.

In the lobby I noticed you didn't have the hives or swelling normally associated with eating food.  Plus we didn't have any food that you were allergic to and you didn't eat anything that I didn't bring.  An employee came by and asked us if we were alright.  I asked for a glass of water.  When he brought it back he asked if you had asthma and suggested the horses might have been a factor.  Duh, asthma.  Why didn't I think of that.  Horse dander and all the smoke and fog machines, why didn't it dawn on me?  Throw in the fact that you played outside in the cold air earlier and that is like a perfect storm for asthma.  Well now that you were out of the situation, things would get better right?

Since I am just a dad, I have two levels of medical care.  The "aww he's alright, shake it off boy" level and the "off to the hospital we go" level.  There really isn't much in between, either we do nothing or over react.  So I called your mom to let her know and to find out what to do as if she had some mommy super power to get a feeling of what is going on over a phone call.  After the phone call which just reassured me that I should use my own judgement, as long as it wasn't the unfair judgement that mommies everywhere can tell how sick their child is over the phone, we decided to wait it out in the lobby for a bit.  We hoped we could just wait it out till everyone came out and then head home.  Every time I decided it was time to go, you begged to wait. This lasted till about 6:15 when you and I both decided things were no longer getting better and it was time to go.

We hurried home fairly fast, just slow enough not to get in a car accident on the way but definitely with some speed.  Your mom had the nebulizer treatment readied for you and we hit you with some benadryl and a mask treatment and checked your oxygen levels and temp.  It turns out that I really would have been over-reacting if I had followed my instinct to take an early turn on the way home and head to the emergency room.  I guess I reacted with the appropriate amount of effort by getting you to your mommy.

Your mommy and I have a scary future with regards to raising you.  Between your food allergies and your asthma and everything else that is normal for little boys, we have plenty to worry about.  I pray I will be granted the necessary grace to know when and how to act with every medical problem that arises.  Right now I think I am going to ground and quarantine you and I, even from Mass tomorrow, just to make sure we get some rest and recovery.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Hold Your Hand

To my son Tommy,

Last night, as we went up to bed, you asked your mom if she would come up and sing.  Since all the medical stuff with your mom, since she has been home, we usually have been doing our singing downstairs and then you and I head up to get you in bed.  It is not quite back to normal but better than having to sing over the phone or facetime with your mom in the hospital.  Lately, however, your mom has been braving the steps and been feeling a bit stronger.  So when you asked her last night, she agreed.  Then you added what could be one of the most heartfelt darn near cutest thing a kid can say, "Don't worry mommy.  I will hold your hand so you won't fall as you go up the steps."  Tommy my boy, you are such an uplifting pure innocent force in all of our lives.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Best Tommy You Can Be

To my son Tommy,

On the car ride home, after picking you up at your grandmom's house, you were singing your heart out.  I thought to myself, "I am making a potential pop star!" and started dreaming about your future fame and fortune.  Just before I broke into my own version of Dr. Hook's "Cover of the Rolling Stone" or Dire Straits "Money For Nothing", I realized I am not making a pop star.  I am not making you into anything.  My job is not to pick your future career or make you into something but to give you every opportunity to be the best Tommy you can be.  You are off to a great start.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Layers

To my son Tommy,

It feels like we bypassed fall because winter weather descended on us faster than a woolly bugger eats an apple.  I will tell you the woolly bugger joke when you are older as it is a Downey classic, but trust me that comparison means fast.  The freeze warning and cold temperatures this morning meant a change in wardrobe for you.  You have grown leaps and bounds in the past year especially physically, which means we don't have a good fitting winter jacket for you anymore.  It has been so warm lately that it didn't dawn on us to get prepared with a brand new jacket.  So today, we went to the old school methods again and did you up with layer upon layer.

I am a big proponent on layers.  A nice warm thick winter jacket has its place but when I was young I learned it also has its drawbacks.  I made the mistake of bringing only a winter jacket on my very first camping trip during my boy scout career.  As scouts often do, we played and hiked and rough housed and did very active things.  I would get hot and even start sweating while wearing my heavy duty jacket that was made to keep you warm even in the arctic.  I would take it off and soon start freezing even more so because of the previous sweating.  It was an all or nothing situation that had no happy medium.  I was informed by an older scout that next time I should wear a undershirt, a long sleeve tee, a flannel button down, a sweater, a light waterproof jacket, and a heavy winter coat.  This way I could mix and match and find the right temp without risking my health.

Your Grandpa Leo had told me the same thing before that same camping trip but at that time I knew everything and he knew nothing.  After experiencing the consequences of my decision, and hearing it from someone else, I learned my lesson.  Unfortunately, being a bull-headed Irish man like my father before me, that lesson had to be drilled into me multiple times over my young life.  Guess that lesson had to build upon itself layer after layer much like my winter wardrobe.  So many times I would mutter under my breath, "He was right again" as I sat there eating crow and called him for help.  At the point I would call him, I really did need help because I would suffer most anything because I was a stupid kid that had to be right.  Funny thing is, given all the numerous chances he had, he never said "See, I told ya so" even though his delusional know-it-all of a son would say it any chance he got to, even if those occasions were rare and far between.  I hope you are more open to advice than your father before you, but you already told me "See! I told ya so!" twice this morning.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Morning Schedule

To my son Tommy,

Lately, before school, we have taken to watching the Disney Jr.  We watch Octonauts as we snuggle in the morning.  Then there is a short called Bunny Town which signals time to make breakfast.  You eat (followed by a Flintstone vitamin) during the first half of Henry Hugglemonster, which has two stories during the half hour show, while daddy jumps in the shower.  We get you dressed during the second part of the Hugglemonster and we make sure you got your lunch and book bag and folder.  During ChooChoo Soul we do a silly dance and dance ourselves in for a good teeth brushing and any hair adjustments.  Chuggington comes on next and we use the first half of that show as a buffer if we are running late in any areas.  Often you are set and ready to go and Daddy is scrambling to get everything.  Out the door we go around 7:45 to get you off to school.

I am not too thrilled that the boob tube has become our scheduler of choice, but it is what it is.  This is not something new to your generation.  I put this in these letters to you for posterity because I often struggle putting names to my childhood shows that I watched as a young one.  I too watched cartoons and shows (of course for my generation) like clockwork and often knew what day of the week it was by what shows I watched.  Glimpses of these shows from my youth often come careening through my mind and then confound me for hours on end.  I mix up shows and put characters from Captain Chesapeake with Captain Kangaroo which just confuses my mind more.  When I finally get it all straightened out, I then am free to lament the lost innocence of the simpler days of my youth.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Can't Get Enough

To my son Tommy,

You have lately had a nearly insatiable appetite for learning.  Every day you swear you have homework.  If you have already finished your school assignments, you make us print out extra tracing letters.  We hit the library earlier in the week and you have read those books about a dozen times.  Tonight you and I put together a puzzle of the United States.  Not bad for a guy in PreK.  I really hope we can keep this going for awhile, like till you are 25 and are working on your third masters degree or doctorate.  No pressure though.  

Remember the key to education and smarts (and dare I say genius) is a genuine desire to learn.  This is really what your mom and I hope to foster in you and it is never too early to start.  With the proper encouragement, learning becomes a joy and a breeze.  With the proper desire and drive, you won't have to be dragged kicking and screaming to your potential, but can achieve greatness with a library card and a few dollars for late fees.  For now, we will just enjoy the fact that you just can't get enough learning!

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Talking Without Words

To my son Tommy,

I called you over today saying I needed to tell you something.  You came over, somewhat reluctantly, from the other couch.   As soon as you got close I grabbed you and snatched you up and hugged you tight. At first you hugged back but after about two minutes of our bear hug you asked if I was going to to tell you anything.  I told you I was talking without words and asked you what you thought I was saying.  Your answer was more of a question, "You love me?"  You, my son, are clever and wise way beyond your years.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Song From School

To my son Tommy,

Today, before we head off to church, I bring you just a little prayer song.  You learned this courtesy of St Agnes School and are able to share with others courtesy of your godmother's cell phone.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

The Bond

To my son Tommy,

I often read parenting articles on the web.  I read and ponder the often abstract and theoretical advice and though I believe many of these articles were written by non-parents, I still give them their due consideration.  Occasionally one strikes a chord.

Recently one article suggested that ninety percent of being a parent is the bond and ten percent is leading and teaching.  This article was singing the praises of horseplay and the bio chemical response and how you should set aside ten minutes a day to roughhouse with you kid.  The actual science of it was quite interesting but it was in the simple suggestion that parenting is mostly about the bond that got me thinking.

If I just set out a bunch of rules for you, if I just lead without developing and maintaining a close relationship with you, chances are we would both fail.  The time just spent together, the time spent cuddling or rough housing or talking, the time spent on love is the foundation that allows you to raise a good father and me to raise a good son.

There are examples of this throughout the world.  Unfortunately, the easiest way to see this is in failed relationships.  Find a divorcee and ask them why they got divorced.  You will find many who had a partner who was great on the books.  They had a job, they weren't a drunk or an addict, they were faithful, they were hard working, they didn't abuse, they didn't forget birthdays or holidays, and in fact they qualify as an all around decent guy but yet here they are divorced.  The divorcee will often point to being in the same room yet so far away.  They didn't have the foundation of love.  The consequences are obvious.

You can see examples of this throughout your life.  People base relationships on other things than love, be it their relationship with friends, or with family, or with their significant others, or with their children, or even the relationship with God.  They base it on the rules, or material gains, or hedonistic pleasure, or temporal feelings.  If they instead focused on the bond, growing and strengthening the love, it might not make the other ten percent any easier but it sure will make it worthwhile.  It will also make forgiveness much easier to give and to accept.  I promise you that everyday I will work on our bond.  The rest of it won't disappear, you will still have rules and expectations and we will work it out as we go, but with our focus on love and strengthening our relationship, life with you and your mom is truly something to look forward to.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Sickness

To my son Tommy,

You came home Monday from school with a fever.  The doctor says it is just a cold and you should be fine in a couple days or a week at most.  We kept you home the last couple days.  Your fever broke that day but you have had little to no appetite and even water can upset your tummy.  Yesterday and the day before we only managed to get about six bites of food in you.  You are showing signs of life today, and your appetite is starting to return, but you aren't going back to school tomorrow either.

A sick child, to everyone else in the world, is no big deal, but to a parent it is totally different.  Kids get sick, it happens, but when it is your kid...  I know we shouldn't worry and you will recover but what I know and what we do are not in alignment.  Our world nearly stops with worry for you.  It is as if we hold our breath until you are well again and then we can finally breathe.  You might not see it because we don't want to fawn or fuss over you so much that you enjoy being sick, but we really want to grab you up in our arms and snuggle the illness out of you.  Here is hoping you get back to your normal healthy precocious self as soon as possible.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Thug

To my son Tommy,

Here is a picture of you looking thug.  The picture didn't capture the plastic toy ninja throwing knife in your hand nor did it capture the Little Einsteins episode that has you enthralled.  But it did capture your blatant disregard for fashion and norms like sitting in the seat of the car instead of on the roof.  The whole leg crossing thing is, as I understand, the equivalent of a PreK gang sign.

By the time you read this you will understand sarcasm.  I collect pictures like this just in case you really do start going thug on me.  I promise you it will be tough to continue down a thug life path if I post this type of stuff on posters or billboards all around our hood.  Stay good, my son.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Jaded

To my son Tommy,

I think your mom ruined you forever.  There may be no point in your life that you will let another person take your shirt off or put it on.  Your natural defensive reaction will kick in and that reaction is "PROTECT THE PITS".  Your mother, while changing your shirt that past couple months or perhaps longer, always threw in a last minute tickle.  Consequently, you will let us get a shirt over your head but then must put some space in between you and us to insure tickle free pits.  You have been even known to go into another room out of sight to get your arms into your shirt sleeves.  As far as things your parents are going to screw up in you or for you, I guess this is pretty minor.  I don't think ticklish pits will cause any long term trust issues, but you never know.  If it does, just remind your future therapist that tickling was just an expression of love from your mother!

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Couple Quick Observations

To my son Tommy,

Thursdays are my usual day to make sure you get to school.  This morning yielded some memorable moments and quips that I thought I'd share for posterity.

When your Mickey Mouse Clubhouse alarm went off and I came dancing in your room to get you for some cuddle time, you said, "You're too happy and it's too early"

When we made sure you had your lunch box in your backpack and opened it to check to see what you had to eat for lunch, you said, "Hey I don't see any cheetos.  That's not right.  Can you make sure there are some cheetos in there?"

When I told you to jump on up into the backseat of the truck so I could get you in your car seat, you said, "No daddy, it is a truck seat."

When I pulled up into St Agnes parking lot and was waiting our turn to get up to the old school where traditionally the younger kids are let out, you asked, "Can I get out here and walk over to my school just like the big kids do?"

You are growing up so fast.  I let you out and you shouldered your backpack and started walking.  Your teacher was walking across the lot too, so she motioned you over and you joined her for your big boy stroll.  But I still inched up the line watching out of my truck window till you got close to your building, just like I will the next time and the time after that.  You may be growing up fast but you are still my baby boy.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

More Or Less

To my son Tommy,

Everything you do in life, or have done in your past, should be evaluated using a simple equation.  Should I do this more or less?  It is simple enough.  If something is good for you chances are you should do it more, either more often or perhaps on a grander scale.  If something is bad for you, do it less until it fades out of existence.

It is a natural response and a natural instinct of human nature.  You see this when you do something you haven't done in a while.  If you read a good book, you always say to yourself that you should make more time to read.  If you volunteer for a good cause, you always say you should spend more time helping others and wish there was more you could do to help.  If you call an old friend or catch up in person, you always say to yourself that you should do it more often and not have such a big break in between visits.  The human soul often craves what is good.

But there are pitfalls.  When I eat some Ben and Jerry's ice cream, I always think I should do this more often, even every day!  This is my taste buds and pleasure centers talking and occasionally they need to be trumped by logic and what you know in your heart to be true.  A pint of day will definitely not keep the doctor away and load on the fat to my already overloaded frame.  So logic dictates that, though I can still indulge occasionally, the frequency needs to be much less.

Smoking is another good example of a bad trap.  The addictive properties of a cigarette will convince your mind and your body that this is what you need more of.  You have to dig deep into your soul to overcome such convincing arguments, but deep down you know it is bad for you and you will be better off for quitting.

Once you figure out the right things to do more of, you have to commit.  I saw a recent post that said something to the effect of ... commitment is keeping the promise you made even though the mood you made the promise in has long since vanished.  That sentiment rang true and actually struck a nerve with all those resolutions that I have broken over and over.  It is easy to work out for a couple weeks, or watch your diet in the beginning, or spend some quality times with family or friends a couple times, but it is hard to keep that going.  In fact as easy as it is to promise at the start, it is even easier to rationalize quitting.

So the challenge, my son, is to evaluate everything you do and commit to doing more of those things that make you a better person and less of those things that take away from you.  It is an easy challenge to say but a tough challenge to live.  But even if you fail occasionally and have to start all over again, you will be a better person than you were the day before and that is the only person you need compare yourself to.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Gateways Part 2

To my son Tommy,

I have been thinking more and more about the gateways and stepping stones that have brought me to this point in my life.  As promised here are some of those gateways that led me to a point in my life where I willingly go to courses and lessons to explore my religion more deeply and I attend daily Mass when I can.  These are probably not in order and any one of them alone can be a gateway to a deepened faith or at least another invitation to continue along the path.

• Found the woman of my dreams
• Learned what true love is
• Decided to get married Catholic
• Had to go to church to become a parishioner to get married Catholic
• Had some great parish marriage sponsors who taught us more than they know
• Had to go to a long overdue confession before getting married
• Did not burst into flames during that long overdue confession
• Got married
• Had you.
• Learned more about what true love is
• Decided to get you baptized Catholic
• Had to go to Sunday Mass more regularly to be part of the parish
• Decided to go to confession more regularly
• Watched you begin to grow
• Learned more about true love as I fell more and more in love with you and your mother
• Joined the St Agnes Mens Club because your Pop-pop was re-joining
• Decided to start actively listening at Mass
• Got upset about some people's point of view who share our faith
• Argued and reasoned it out with some priests that showed more patience than I probably deserved
• Looked deep inside myself and decided that other people's point of view will not keep me from a relationship with Christ.
• Started to say prayers with you at night
• Learned yet more of what true love is when we had and lost Sal
• Learned about loss and heart break and suffering like I never had before
• Got angry with God
• Started talking to your Grandpa Leo more about faith
• Started going to church daily sometimes to yell at God sometimes to pray for His comfort
• Considered the sacrifice of His only Son and looked intently at a cross and learned more about true love
• Started attending Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament
• Began praying the Rosary
• Took more interest in Saints and read a book about Padre Pio that your Grandmother Roro gave me
• Started blogging, in an effort to pass on any useful nugget of wisdom about life that I might have to you
• Realized writing letters to you is more about exploring life and myself, and by exploring myself and life with you through these letters I have the most potential to pass on something worthwhile
• Continued to watch you grow and decided to send you to St Agnes for school
• Started praying before meals with you leading us in the singing grace prayer you learned at school sung to the toon of Frère Jacques 
• Asked you to start leading grace even when we were out at other houses for meals like at your Grandma Roro's house
• Added the prayer to Michael the Arch-Angel at night to go with the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be we already were doing.
• Made a self-commitment to go to confession almost weekly if possible
• Took a Discovering Christ course to look deeper in my faith
• Discovered I can email my questions and concerns to priests in our parish and they would actually read them and reply with (once again) more patience than I probably deserve
• Looked upon and deeply examined the examples of your grandparents and great grandparents for their faith
• Started attending more special events like Missions and vigils and courses and such
• Heard a homily on how to pray in conjunction with God's will
• Started using that prayer "technique" and even became witness to the power of prayer in my daily life
• Continued to grow in, and learn of, true love with you, your mom, and Christ

As you can see, there are many steps that have brought me to this point in my life.  And trust me, this point in my life is far from some of the depths I had reached in my past.  Many would laugh incredulously if I told them I go to Mass all the time and pray daily.

Some steps are obvious progressions.  For example you have to attend church to have a chance of hearing anything.  The more you attend, the better the chance you learn, the more you learn the more you want to attend.  Another example is prayer.  It started with praying at church again.  Then it moved into our home with prayers at night and then to prayers with dinner.  Now it has grown to the point where if I have any free time or just a lull in the conversation that I might spend that time in silent prayer or you might even see me with my hand in my pocket working through some Rosary beads.

Some steps you would think were a setback and some gateways honestly could have brought me in either direction.  Losing Sal was a big turning point in my life and I think to most people it would make more sense if I had decided to turn away.  But I didn't and my faith has actually deepened.

Surprisingly the biggest hurdle was dealing with other people's views and how politics and laws and misinterpretations of the Catholic religion (both theirs and mine) and even pink ribbons can distract the most devout from their true mission of sharing Christ.  But again, I didn't let that stop my growth in my faith.  It actually solidified in my mind why I was seeking this path.  The similar sentiment was echoed in a recent letter by Pope Francis in which he writes, "Believe me, in spite of its slowness, the infidelity, the mistakes and the sins that may have and may still be committed by those who compose the Church, it has no other sense and aim if not to live and witness Jesus"  If the Church ever becomes about other people, or even about your own dad, and not about your own relationship with God you may have to re-evaluate.  People will fail you. Clergy will fail you.  I, despite my best intentions, will fail you.  So make sure your foundation is based on Christ. 

The one thing that I am convinced is the ultimate stepping stone, the ultimate gateway to all good things, the one thing that has been a recurring theme in my life, even though I often did not see it, leading me in the right direction no matter how hard I tried to resist, is true love.  I learned more about religion by looking into my heart and seeing and feeling the love of family and friends and the love of Christ.  That is why it is so important to share of yourself and to share true love so that other people can have their hearts touched and, just maybe, open a few new gateways for each of those that we touch.

Sincerely with love from dad,

Leo

Battle Of Baltimore

To my son Tommy,

Today is the 199th anniversary of the Battle of Baltimore.  We went down to Fort McHenry the birth place of our National Anthem and a key to our ability to defend Baltimore during this battle in the War of 1812.  We went down with your grandparents and aunt and cousins.

It always helps to know what your forefathers had to endure and sacrifice to keep us free.  We have a great opportunity living so close to such history.  The National Park Services have done very well at the fort and created some moving tributes.  We got to see demonstrations of canons and muskets and got a small glimpse of what war was like back then.  This really struck me today for some reason.

For a moment I could be transformed back to the fort.  I could hear the tremendous canons booming and imagine bombs bursting above my head raining down shrapnel.  I could imagine holding a line,  shoulder to shoulder with my brothers in arms, armed with a musket and only relying on our courage and our beliefs to make up for that weapons inaccuracies.  For a moment I realized how horrific war must be.  Then the presenter said something that made it worse.  He compared how inefficient these weapons being shown were compared to modern day weapons.  My heart sank thinking of all the war after that war and all the war that still might come.  When will we learn?  

I think every politician should be required to go once a month to one our nation's monuments for our brave and for our fallen and for our dead.  They should go not to instill a sense of rah-rah nationalism, but to go and hear the whispers of the ghosts that lived through the horrors of war.  They should go and remind themselves of the sacrifices of the past.  Those who sacrificed before did so for a very clear and lofty reason, the defense of freedom.  If the cause du jour is of lesser merit, perhaps the true American spirit will touch their heart and influence their decisions.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo