Without Mommy

To my son Tommy,

I have perpetuated the bumbling father stereotype before.  For the most part this is an act played by an evil genius used for my nefarious purpose to lower people's (mommy included) expectations and to avoid work. Drop and break a couple dishes, no one asks you to do dishes anymore.  Get the picture?  To be certain, many fathers do this and I risk losing my "man license" by exposing the secret that our ineptitude is an elaborate scheme.  Occasionally though I do find myself in uncharted territory and not as confident in my fatherly abilities but like Gunnery Sergeant Highway says we "Improvise. Adapt. Overcome."

It is just you and me today.  Your mommy is still in the hospital and will be for the next week or more.  The Baltimore weather forecasters are all calling for snow in various amounts which, when they can't agree, most likely means an impending blizzard.  When you woke up this morning, you complained of a tummy ache, an area of life that usually falls to the soon to be nurse in our life, aka Mommy!

I checked the normal culprits.  No fever.  You don't have to poop, or so you say.  Can't even get you to eat, in case it is lack of food that is causing tummy pain.  So what is a father to do?  Well dishes and clean up the house of course.  And blog of course.

I learned, from watching the older relatives in my life, that when you don't know what to do in any situation, you do what you know how to do.  When grief or sorrow would enter our lives when I was a child, I would see people start cleaning and/or start baking and/or start cooking and/or do fix up projects and /or clean out cars and other auto maintenance and/or even pull out a deck of cards for a pinochle game.  It confounded me in my youth and seemed such an unnatural response.  So and so is sick so lets clean the living room.  So and so just passed so time to bake a pie.  So and so is heart broken so let me make sure the oil is changed on the car.

Now I know, it is a healthy combination of denial and the attempt to not feel useless.  Your tummy might be upset, and I wish I could magically make it feel better but I can't.  So at least the dishwasher is run and the kitchen sink sanitized with Lysol.  I wish I could cheer you up, but a stomach ache is going to trump any direct attempts.  So at least you will have a clean living room to look at.  Dirty dishes and general disarray contribute to bad feelings in both of us, so why not fix or do what I know I can do.  I wish I could convince you how important it is to poop and/or eat right now but at least it will be documented and maybe stop you from moving from inept father to "overreacting time to run to the hospital for a simple tummy ache" father sometime in the future.

Of course as I was writing this blog, and expounding on the virtues of a good BM to fix most things, you ran off to the bathroom for a potty.  You asked for privacy as you shut the door swearing to me it is only pee time.  A couple minutes later, from the bathroom I hear this, "Wow! Daddy come look at this big poopie!" Ahh, that's my boy!  Amazed at his own creations and always willing to share.  You are in much better spirits and perhaps we are passed this whole bellyache thing, and I know it is all due to me blogging, and straightening, and running the dishwasher.  It had nothing to do with nature and expelling the two foot brown demon from your body by way of the potty.  Nope, definitely the dishwasher.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

P.S.  It is a good thing that among the things I know how to do, among those things I have learned from my younger days, there exists the skills of catching puke with my hands and cleaning up vomit out of carpet and doing laundry.  Evidently the dishwasher was not the cure all I thought it would be.

Kinder Bars

To my son Tommy,

When I lived overseas as an army brat in a younger life, I used to eat a certain chocolate bar.  It was mostly milk surrounded by just a little chocolate.  It depended on which country I was living in but the name was either Kinder Schokolade or Kinder Cioccolato and for the extra creamy type there was Kinder Riegel.  They were cheap over there (or at least to the best of my memory) and they seemed to be everywhere and were a good alternative to the omnipresent Toblerone.

One of my favorite stores in the immediate area is Old World Deli and Bakery.  Actually it is up in the Randallstown area by your grandmother's house.  Because it carries so many products from the Europe that were common place as I grew up,  I often shop there for simple nostalgia purposes.  When you combine this store, and my desire to pass on things from my life and my youth to you, and an occasional sense of desperation when it comes to your eating habits, you end up with a four year old with an expensive habit.

One day while buying some weisswurst for you grandmom at the Old World, I spied these confections from my youth.  The price was a bit more than I remembered but at the time no price was too expensive if I could find something (anything) you would eat.  Who knew you would be hooked.

Now every two or three weeks, we stop by and pick up refills.  Mostly they are saved for you school lunch, but occasionally you get a treat (aka bribe) if you eat your dinner well.  I never knew (until recently) they were made by the Italian company Ferrero which also makes two of my other favorites, Ferrero Rocher and Nutella.  I guess being made in Italy, that is why I remember the Kinder bars being cheaper and they are a bit more expensive in the U.S. nowadays.  Oh well, it is a bond between father and son and you are worth every extra penny it costs.  But remember, I like cheaper chocolates too, like Hershey kisses, they are made only a state away!

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

P.S. Picture is blatantly borrowed from the Ferrero site

Medieval Times

To my son Tommy,

We headed out to Medieval Times dinner and tournament to celebrate your cousin Ryan's birthday.  What started out as a great time quickly turned scary.

You and I are fighting the beginning of possible colds and I seriously debated scrapping the whole trip.  No fevers or anything just some nasal congestion.  So I decided we could suck it up and head out and that a minor sniffle wouldn't keep us from some fun.  In hindsight, my idea to cowboy up was more machismo than common sense.

We got there and were having a great time.  We were armed with an allergy free sandwich and thing of pasta.  We had your epi-pen (thanks to Aunt Deb bringing it down) in case you tried any new foods or came in contact with any allergy foods.  I didn't plan for the real culprit of the night.

The show started around 4:30 One second you were enthralled and engaged and sitting right next to me and yelling "HUZZAH!" with me.  Everyone else was just cheering normally so it was special that you and I were yelling a more theme appropriate cheer.  We were about an hour in to the show and then in a matter of seconds you went to lethargic, disengaged, and sleepy.  I immediately knew something wasn't right.  I tried to ascertain if you had ingested anything you shouldn't have and had my epi pen at the ready.  You scratched your throat and almost received an immediate medical injection.  Instead I nearly bulldozed over your Pop-pop as I had to get you into better light.  We headed out to the lobby.

In the lobby I noticed you didn't have the hives or swelling normally associated with eating food.  Plus we didn't have any food that you were allergic to and you didn't eat anything that I didn't bring.  An employee came by and asked us if we were alright.  I asked for a glass of water.  When he brought it back he asked if you had asthma and suggested the horses might have been a factor.  Duh, asthma.  Why didn't I think of that.  Horse dander and all the smoke and fog machines, why didn't it dawn on me?  Throw in the fact that you played outside in the cold air earlier and that is like a perfect storm for asthma.  Well now that you were out of the situation, things would get better right?

Since I am just a dad, I have two levels of medical care.  The "aww he's alright, shake it off boy" level and the "off to the hospital we go" level.  There really isn't much in between, either we do nothing or over react.  So I called your mom to let her know and to find out what to do as if she had some mommy super power to get a feeling of what is going on over a phone call.  After the phone call which just reassured me that I should use my own judgement, as long as it wasn't the unfair judgement that mommies everywhere can tell how sick their child is over the phone, we decided to wait it out in the lobby for a bit.  We hoped we could just wait it out till everyone came out and then head home.  Every time I decided it was time to go, you begged to wait. This lasted till about 6:15 when you and I both decided things were no longer getting better and it was time to go.

We hurried home fairly fast, just slow enough not to get in a car accident on the way but definitely with some speed.  Your mom had the nebulizer treatment readied for you and we hit you with some benadryl and a mask treatment and checked your oxygen levels and temp.  It turns out that I really would have been over-reacting if I had followed my instinct to take an early turn on the way home and head to the emergency room.  I guess I reacted with the appropriate amount of effort by getting you to your mommy.

Your mommy and I have a scary future with regards to raising you.  Between your food allergies and your asthma and everything else that is normal for little boys, we have plenty to worry about.  I pray I will be granted the necessary grace to know when and how to act with every medical problem that arises.  Right now I think I am going to ground and quarantine you and I, even from Mass tomorrow, just to make sure we get some rest and recovery.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Best Tommy You Can Be

To my son Tommy,

On the car ride home, after picking you up at your grandmom's house, you were singing your heart out.  I thought to myself, "I am making a potential pop star!" and started dreaming about your future fame and fortune.  Just before I broke into my own version of Dr. Hook's "Cover of the Rolling Stone" or Dire Straits "Money For Nothing", I realized I am not making a pop star.  I am not making you into anything.  My job is not to pick your future career or make you into something but to give you every opportunity to be the best Tommy you can be.  You are off to a great start.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Layers

To my son Tommy,

It feels like we bypassed fall because winter weather descended on us faster than a woolly bugger eats an apple.  I will tell you the woolly bugger joke when you are older as it is a Downey classic, but trust me that comparison means fast.  The freeze warning and cold temperatures this morning meant a change in wardrobe for you.  You have grown leaps and bounds in the past year especially physically, which means we don't have a good fitting winter jacket for you anymore.  It has been so warm lately that it didn't dawn on us to get prepared with a brand new jacket.  So today, we went to the old school methods again and did you up with layer upon layer.

I am a big proponent on layers.  A nice warm thick winter jacket has its place but when I was young I learned it also has its drawbacks.  I made the mistake of bringing only a winter jacket on my very first camping trip during my boy scout career.  As scouts often do, we played and hiked and rough housed and did very active things.  I would get hot and even start sweating while wearing my heavy duty jacket that was made to keep you warm even in the arctic.  I would take it off and soon start freezing even more so because of the previous sweating.  It was an all or nothing situation that had no happy medium.  I was informed by an older scout that next time I should wear a undershirt, a long sleeve tee, a flannel button down, a sweater, a light waterproof jacket, and a heavy winter coat.  This way I could mix and match and find the right temp without risking my health.

Your Grandpa Leo had told me the same thing before that same camping trip but at that time I knew everything and he knew nothing.  After experiencing the consequences of my decision, and hearing it from someone else, I learned my lesson.  Unfortunately, being a bull-headed Irish man like my father before me, that lesson had to be drilled into me multiple times over my young life.  Guess that lesson had to build upon itself layer after layer much like my winter wardrobe.  So many times I would mutter under my breath, "He was right again" as I sat there eating crow and called him for help.  At the point I would call him, I really did need help because I would suffer most anything because I was a stupid kid that had to be right.  Funny thing is, given all the numerous chances he had, he never said "See, I told ya so" even though his delusional know-it-all of a son would say it any chance he got to, even if those occasions were rare and far between.  I hope you are more open to advice than your father before you, but you already told me "See! I told ya so!" twice this morning.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Talking Without Words

To my son Tommy,

I called you over today saying I needed to tell you something.  You came over, somewhat reluctantly, from the other couch.   As soon as you got close I grabbed you and snatched you up and hugged you tight. At first you hugged back but after about two minutes of our bear hug you asked if I was going to to tell you anything.  I told you I was talking without words and asked you what you thought I was saying.  Your answer was more of a question, "You love me?"  You, my son, are clever and wise way beyond your years.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Moments

To my son Tommy,

What a tiring week.  The whole house is just about beat and ready for a break.  This gloomy weather doesn't help.  But even as exhausting as everything has been, we have found a few moments.  You had your snuggles with your mom to make her feel better when she was home and you had your precious phone calls when she was in the hospital.  You and I perfected our routine getting ready for school even finding time to work on a silly dance that is all our own.  We had fun on your new playset when we could and even escaped to the library this morning.  Yeah things were tough this week, there is no denying that.  But those few precious moments, those brief glimpses of pure love, that is what keeps us going.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Wanna Dance

To my son Tommy,

Day two of your mommy in the hospital.  Still trying to figure out all that medical stuff.  You are impressing me with the way you are coping.  Yesterday, I was going to drop you off to your Bwama after church and breakfast while I headed over to the hospital.  As I explained what we were doing you asked if you could go to the hospital too.  Then, when I agreed, you suggested we bring mommy a gift to make her feel better.  I let you go into cvs and pick it the card and gift.  You chose a Halloween Hello Kitty beanie baby and a cute and funny card with a chimpanzee on it.  You were very discerning and considered everything as you chose.  Somehow you ended up with a die cast car toy yourself.

Last night you made sure we called your mom at bed time and the first thing on your mind this morning was your mom so we called again.  I know she appreciates ever moment with you no matter on the phone or in person and she can't wait to get home and do some serious snuggle time.  After our phone call, we got back to the business of getting ready for school.

We were working through the normal routine when you tried a delay tactic to hold off brushing your teeth.  "Wanna dance?", you inquired and then, with a cheesy grin over your face, immediately held up each index finger and started waving them like something from the Charleston or the Lindy Hop or some type of flapper dance.  Seeing your bad dancing techniques and knowing you got them from your father or worse yet my father, brought such joy to my heart.  So we danced, both of us shaking our hips and our index fingers in one of the most silly, most welcomed moments of stress relief.  We then brushed your teeth and finished up and headed off to school.  I am not sure how you know what each of your parents need at any given moment, but you do.  Thank you.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

The Bond

To my son Tommy,

I often read parenting articles on the web.  I read and ponder the often abstract and theoretical advice and though I believe many of these articles were written by non-parents, I still give them their due consideration.  Occasionally one strikes a chord.

Recently one article suggested that ninety percent of being a parent is the bond and ten percent is leading and teaching.  This article was singing the praises of horseplay and the bio chemical response and how you should set aside ten minutes a day to roughhouse with you kid.  The actual science of it was quite interesting but it was in the simple suggestion that parenting is mostly about the bond that got me thinking.

If I just set out a bunch of rules for you, if I just lead without developing and maintaining a close relationship with you, chances are we would both fail.  The time just spent together, the time spent cuddling or rough housing or talking, the time spent on love is the foundation that allows you to raise a good father and me to raise a good son.

There are examples of this throughout the world.  Unfortunately, the easiest way to see this is in failed relationships.  Find a divorcee and ask them why they got divorced.  You will find many who had a partner who was great on the books.  They had a job, they weren't a drunk or an addict, they were faithful, they were hard working, they didn't abuse, they didn't forget birthdays or holidays, and in fact they qualify as an all around decent guy but yet here they are divorced.  The divorcee will often point to being in the same room yet so far away.  They didn't have the foundation of love.  The consequences are obvious.

You can see examples of this throughout your life.  People base relationships on other things than love, be it their relationship with friends, or with family, or with their significant others, or with their children, or even the relationship with God.  They base it on the rules, or material gains, or hedonistic pleasure, or temporal feelings.  If they instead focused on the bond, growing and strengthening the love, it might not make the other ten percent any easier but it sure will make it worthwhile.  It will also make forgiveness much easier to give and to accept.  I promise you that everyday I will work on our bond.  The rest of it won't disappear, you will still have rules and expectations and we will work it out as we go, but with our focus on love and strengthening our relationship, life with you and your mom is truly something to look forward to.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Sickness

To my son Tommy,

You came home Monday from school with a fever.  The doctor says it is just a cold and you should be fine in a couple days or a week at most.  We kept you home the last couple days.  Your fever broke that day but you have had little to no appetite and even water can upset your tummy.  Yesterday and the day before we only managed to get about six bites of food in you.  You are showing signs of life today, and your appetite is starting to return, but you aren't going back to school tomorrow either.

A sick child, to everyone else in the world, is no big deal, but to a parent it is totally different.  Kids get sick, it happens, but when it is your kid...  I know we shouldn't worry and you will recover but what I know and what we do are not in alignment.  Our world nearly stops with worry for you.  It is as if we hold our breath until you are well again and then we can finally breathe.  You might not see it because we don't want to fawn or fuss over you so much that you enjoy being sick, but we really want to grab you up in our arms and snuggle the illness out of you.  Here is hoping you get back to your normal healthy precocious self as soon as possible.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Thug

To my son Tommy,

Here is a picture of you looking thug.  The picture didn't capture the plastic toy ninja throwing knife in your hand nor did it capture the Little Einsteins episode that has you enthralled.  But it did capture your blatant disregard for fashion and norms like sitting in the seat of the car instead of on the roof.  The whole leg crossing thing is, as I understand, the equivalent of a PreK gang sign.

By the time you read this you will understand sarcasm.  I collect pictures like this just in case you really do start going thug on me.  I promise you it will be tough to continue down a thug life path if I post this type of stuff on posters or billboards all around our hood.  Stay good, my son.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Couple Quick Observations

To my son Tommy,

Thursdays are my usual day to make sure you get to school.  This morning yielded some memorable moments and quips that I thought I'd share for posterity.

When your Mickey Mouse Clubhouse alarm went off and I came dancing in your room to get you for some cuddle time, you said, "You're too happy and it's too early"

When we made sure you had your lunch box in your backpack and opened it to check to see what you had to eat for lunch, you said, "Hey I don't see any cheetos.  That's not right.  Can you make sure there are some cheetos in there?"

When I told you to jump on up into the backseat of the truck so I could get you in your car seat, you said, "No daddy, it is a truck seat."

When I pulled up into St Agnes parking lot and was waiting our turn to get up to the old school where traditionally the younger kids are let out, you asked, "Can I get out here and walk over to my school just like the big kids do?"

You are growing up so fast.  I let you out and you shouldered your backpack and started walking.  Your teacher was walking across the lot too, so she motioned you over and you joined her for your big boy stroll.  But I still inched up the line watching out of my truck window till you got close to your building, just like I will the next time and the time after that.  You may be growing up fast but you are still my baby boy.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

More Or Less

To my son Tommy,

Everything you do in life, or have done in your past, should be evaluated using a simple equation.  Should I do this more or less?  It is simple enough.  If something is good for you chances are you should do it more, either more often or perhaps on a grander scale.  If something is bad for you, do it less until it fades out of existence.

It is a natural response and a natural instinct of human nature.  You see this when you do something you haven't done in a while.  If you read a good book, you always say to yourself that you should make more time to read.  If you volunteer for a good cause, you always say you should spend more time helping others and wish there was more you could do to help.  If you call an old friend or catch up in person, you always say to yourself that you should do it more often and not have such a big break in between visits.  The human soul often craves what is good.

But there are pitfalls.  When I eat some Ben and Jerry's ice cream, I always think I should do this more often, even every day!  This is my taste buds and pleasure centers talking and occasionally they need to be trumped by logic and what you know in your heart to be true.  A pint of day will definitely not keep the doctor away and load on the fat to my already overloaded frame.  So logic dictates that, though I can still indulge occasionally, the frequency needs to be much less.

Smoking is another good example of a bad trap.  The addictive properties of a cigarette will convince your mind and your body that this is what you need more of.  You have to dig deep into your soul to overcome such convincing arguments, but deep down you know it is bad for you and you will be better off for quitting.

Once you figure out the right things to do more of, you have to commit.  I saw a recent post that said something to the effect of ... commitment is keeping the promise you made even though the mood you made the promise in has long since vanished.  That sentiment rang true and actually struck a nerve with all those resolutions that I have broken over and over.  It is easy to work out for a couple weeks, or watch your diet in the beginning, or spend some quality times with family or friends a couple times, but it is hard to keep that going.  In fact as easy as it is to promise at the start, it is even easier to rationalize quitting.

So the challenge, my son, is to evaluate everything you do and commit to doing more of those things that make you a better person and less of those things that take away from you.  It is an easy challenge to say but a tough challenge to live.  But even if you fail occasionally and have to start all over again, you will be a better person than you were the day before and that is the only person you need compare yourself to.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Gateways Part 2

To my son Tommy,

I have been thinking more and more about the gateways and stepping stones that have brought me to this point in my life.  As promised here are some of those gateways that led me to a point in my life where I willingly go to courses and lessons to explore my religion more deeply and I attend daily Mass when I can.  These are probably not in order and any one of them alone can be a gateway to a deepened faith or at least another invitation to continue along the path.

• Found the woman of my dreams
• Learned what true love is
• Decided to get married Catholic
• Had to go to church to become a parishioner to get married Catholic
• Had some great parish marriage sponsors who taught us more than they know
• Had to go to a long overdue confession before getting married
• Did not burst into flames during that long overdue confession
• Got married
• Had you.
• Learned more about what true love is
• Decided to get you baptized Catholic
• Had to go to Sunday Mass more regularly to be part of the parish
• Decided to go to confession more regularly
• Watched you begin to grow
• Learned more about true love as I fell more and more in love with you and your mother
• Joined the St Agnes Mens Club because your Pop-pop was re-joining
• Decided to start actively listening at Mass
• Got upset about some people's point of view who share our faith
• Argued and reasoned it out with some priests that showed more patience than I probably deserved
• Looked deep inside myself and decided that other people's point of view will not keep me from a relationship with Christ.
• Started to say prayers with you at night
• Learned yet more of what true love is when we had and lost Sal
• Learned about loss and heart break and suffering like I never had before
• Got angry with God
• Started talking to your Grandpa Leo more about faith
• Started going to church daily sometimes to yell at God sometimes to pray for His comfort
• Considered the sacrifice of His only Son and looked intently at a cross and learned more about true love
• Started attending Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament
• Began praying the Rosary
• Took more interest in Saints and read a book about Padre Pio that your Grandmother Roro gave me
• Started blogging, in an effort to pass on any useful nugget of wisdom about life that I might have to you
• Realized writing letters to you is more about exploring life and myself, and by exploring myself and life with you through these letters I have the most potential to pass on something worthwhile
• Continued to watch you grow and decided to send you to St Agnes for school
• Started praying before meals with you leading us in the singing grace prayer you learned at school sung to the toon of Frère Jacques 
• Asked you to start leading grace even when we were out at other houses for meals like at your Grandma Roro's house
• Added the prayer to Michael the Arch-Angel at night to go with the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be we already were doing.
• Made a self-commitment to go to confession almost weekly if possible
• Took a Discovering Christ course to look deeper in my faith
• Discovered I can email my questions and concerns to priests in our parish and they would actually read them and reply with (once again) more patience than I probably deserve
• Looked upon and deeply examined the examples of your grandparents and great grandparents for their faith
• Started attending more special events like Missions and vigils and courses and such
• Heard a homily on how to pray in conjunction with God's will
• Started using that prayer "technique" and even became witness to the power of prayer in my daily life
• Continued to grow in, and learn of, true love with you, your mom, and Christ

As you can see, there are many steps that have brought me to this point in my life.  And trust me, this point in my life is far from some of the depths I had reached in my past.  Many would laugh incredulously if I told them I go to Mass all the time and pray daily.

Some steps are obvious progressions.  For example you have to attend church to have a chance of hearing anything.  The more you attend, the better the chance you learn, the more you learn the more you want to attend.  Another example is prayer.  It started with praying at church again.  Then it moved into our home with prayers at night and then to prayers with dinner.  Now it has grown to the point where if I have any free time or just a lull in the conversation that I might spend that time in silent prayer or you might even see me with my hand in my pocket working through some Rosary beads.

Some steps you would think were a setback and some gateways honestly could have brought me in either direction.  Losing Sal was a big turning point in my life and I think to most people it would make more sense if I had decided to turn away.  But I didn't and my faith has actually deepened.

Surprisingly the biggest hurdle was dealing with other people's views and how politics and laws and misinterpretations of the Catholic religion (both theirs and mine) and even pink ribbons can distract the most devout from their true mission of sharing Christ.  But again, I didn't let that stop my growth in my faith.  It actually solidified in my mind why I was seeking this path.  The similar sentiment was echoed in a recent letter by Pope Francis in which he writes, "Believe me, in spite of its slowness, the infidelity, the mistakes and the sins that may have and may still be committed by those who compose the Church, it has no other sense and aim if not to live and witness Jesus"  If the Church ever becomes about other people, or even about your own dad, and not about your own relationship with God you may have to re-evaluate.  People will fail you. Clergy will fail you.  I, despite my best intentions, will fail you.  So make sure your foundation is based on Christ. 

The one thing that I am convinced is the ultimate stepping stone, the ultimate gateway to all good things, the one thing that has been a recurring theme in my life, even though I often did not see it, leading me in the right direction no matter how hard I tried to resist, is true love.  I learned more about religion by looking into my heart and seeing and feeling the love of family and friends and the love of Christ.  That is why it is so important to share of yourself and to share true love so that other people can have their hearts touched and, just maybe, open a few new gateways for each of those that we touch.

Sincerely with love from dad,

Leo

Curfews

To my son Tommy,

There is currently a youth curfew in Baltimore city.  I believe it is 11 pm on weekdays and midnight on weekends.  Recently, in the wake of some serious violence, there has been a suggestion to change this to an earlier time.  I think the proposal suggest 9 pm for the younger groups and an extra hour for some of the older groups.  This has stirred a bit of debate in Baltimore city and has politicians and cops and experts and citizens weighing in.

Luckily I am not here to debate curfews.  I am not here to argue if they are effective or not.  I am not here to talk about if it is an oppressive move that wreaks of desperation and lack of real solutions.  I am not here to disagree with experts who say the U.S. is the only place to put curfews on their young when a friend of mine living in Egypt recently posted  about being worried if he would make it home by curfew.  I guess he is an adult so the government is not singling out kids and it is more considered martial law, so the expert is technically right.  What I am here to do is promise you will never have to worry about this.

Don't get me wrong, you will have a curfew to worry about, just not one set out by the city government.  No.  You will only have to worry about the curfew set by your parents which will probably be a full couple hours earlier than any municipality mandate.  If you decide to break a curfew, you might consider dealing with the cops might be easier.  I don't want government to have to do my parenting for me and think it is a failure of our society that it even gets to the point where the government has the chance or sees the need to get involved.  And when I say our society I am not blaming some vague group but pointing to each and every individual parent and their own level of culpability.  I am sure this will be easier said than done and I might be a little naive since I am not yet dealing with a head strong teenager and only am dealing with a head strong four year old who for the most part still respects his parents' authority.  But I am up for any challenge you send at me because I love you.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Gateways Part 1

To my son Tommy,

They say that cigarettes, booze, and marijuana are gateway drugs.  Once you open that gateway, you are presented with a bunch more doors that are much easier open, and most of those doors are filled with vice and despair.  There is no certainty that you will open all or any of the other doors when you go through one gateway, but it does make it easier and more likely.  My job, as a father, is to warn you about these bad gateways and the path that certain ones may lead you down.

But not all gateways are bad.  You can read a good short story and that can open up a great literary world and next you know you are reading novels.  You can take a basic computer course and he next thing you know you have an entire career in programming.  You can take one bite of one of your mother's delicious deserts and decide that baking will be your life.  These are the type of gateways I need to steer you towards.

I can lead you to the door. I can bore a peephole so you get a glimpse of what lies behind, but only you can unlock the door and twist the handle and go through.  Just like I can't completely barricade a bad gateway, I can't drag you by the scruff of your neck through a good gateway, no matter how much I would like to do both.  My job is to help you make the right decisions and choose the right doors, but it is still your choices that matter most.

What got me thinking about gateways was a "Sharing Christ" course I am taking at church.  Yes, here your father is going to go "all religious" on you again.  The seven week "Sharing Christ" course is a compliment to the "Discovering Christ" course which I probably haven't mentioned by name before but inspired such thoughts and letters as Unconditionally and Quests last year. This new course examines how we share Christ in our lives and with others.  I began to think of all the gateways that I have gone through to come to this point in my life.

To be honest, I did have a good foundation.  When I said you can't be dragged by the scruff of your neck, I meant you can't be dragged forever and sooner or later you have to want to make the choice.  Usually the dragging ends with college, though the guilt may never end from your parents.  I was dragged, kicking and screaming at times, in my young life to Mass.  I was forced to spend Sundays attending school to learn about my religion when I would have rather been out playing.  I was taught the prayers and received the Sacraments.  I was what you would call a cradle Catholic.  But I am not sure that I ever bought into the whole shebang.  My father brought me through these gateways so if I ever decided to go through those doors again, I would know the combination to the lock and be somewhat familiar with the area after I opened the door.  When I turned 18 I promptly closed any of those gateways and doors and turned my back on what I had known.  I began opening up gateways that would lead me far away from the path of Christ.

So how did I return?  How did I end up in a point in my life where I am voluntarily spending an extra two hours on a Sunday evening at a church course?  And even writing about it and thinking about it through the week?  Perhaps that is best explored in another letter, maybe tomorrow or later in the week after I ponder that exact question myself, but I can tell you that you and your mommy and love figure prominently into those choices.  For now, just know that I hope to show you the right path, the right doors, the right gateways, that lead you to a full and happy life with and in Christ.  I am just now opening a few of these doors myself and it is pretty amazing to see what can be in store for you as well.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Football Returns

To my son Tommy,

NFL football started up again last night and everyone had a buzz about them.  I have been disenchanted with professional football (and for that matter all professional sports) for some time.  When I was a bartender, I lived and breathed football.  Being able to talk and understand and follow along with the games greatly enhanced my tips.  Even the fact that I was a Pittsburgh Steelers fan didn't hurt me because everyone needs a foil, someone to increase the drama and talk trash to, in the world of sports and bars.

Many people wonder how I became a Steelers fan.  Many don't realize I am not Baltimore born.  I was born in Utah because your Grandpa Leo was stationed at an army base in Tooele.  Being an army brat doesn't lend itself to team loyalty since you move around every two or three years, but since your Grandma Roro was such a die hard Baltimore Colts fan as was her father, I considered myself a Baltimore Colts fan.  Then in 1984 the city lost its team to Indianapolis.  My family was headed overseas to a station overseas in Italy so for the next three or four years I would just immerse myself in local soccer teams as it was much more readily available and the only American professional sport I would watch was when the Armed Forces Network broadcast an occasional Orioles game.  When I came back to the states to Aberdeen Proving Grounds, I had to pick a new team.

Football fans in the area seemed to go one of three ways.  You either became a fan of the Steelers, the Redskins, or the Eagles.  I picked the Steelers as they had a great history and I admired their working class fan base.  My pick was definitely not the bandwagon pick.  Most were on the bandwagon with the Redskins who won the Super Bowl that year and repeated the feet a couple years later.  The Steelers would take some time before they started getting good again and then when they started making the playoffs finally, they would break your heart.  It wasn't until 2005 that they would put a ring on it while I was a fan.  But for years we could only point to the 70s and talk about old curtains and wipe our tears with our terrible towels as Coach Cowher would get us to the dance year after year but the ring would slip away.  It could have been worse, I could have chose the Eagles who always seemed to get to the playoffs but have yet to win the whole show.  No my choice was definitely not bandwagon.

Then in 1996, after almost a decade of rooting for the Steelers, Baltimore finally gets a football team.  And who do they get?  The Browns who were one of the Steelers' most hated rivals.  I had the choice to jump ship to the new team or remain loyal to a team that had broke my heart so many times in the past.  I am loyal to a fault.  And despite all the gruff I would get, I chose to stay a Steelers fan.  It didn't hurt that many of my friends were Steelers fans and I worked in a Steeler friendly bar.

But ever since you came along, I could care less and less with regards to the NFL.  Being a fan and living and breathing football seems to bring on problems.  It brings on drama; it cause family discourse; it eats up precious time; it requires effort; it can create sadness and disappointment; and it costs money.  It just doesn't seem worth all of that to be a fan of any team much less an out of town team.  So much so, that I even mentioned to your mom that it might be time to switch to being a Ravens fan.  At least then it would be less discourse and I would receive less flack for something I am losing interest in anyhow.  She looked at me with what I can only describe as "divorce" eyes.

Well the Ravens had a bit of a rough go of it last night losing 49 to 27 to Denver.  That, in and of itself, would never dissuade me from switching my loyalty.  Winning doesn't matter much to me.  I stick by teams no matter their record, as proven by my loyalty to the Baltimore Orioles.  What did disturb me was the buzz on social media.  Assumed true Baltimore fans turning on their team in one game.  I understand being upset and unhappy.  Your team lost and having a 37 year old (which supposedly is too old for a super bowl level quarterback unless your first name is John and your last name is Elway or Unitas) go for 462 yards and 7 touchdowns is a bit gut wrenching.  Still the level of abuse that the Ravens receive from fans is extraordinary.  Even Steelers fans don't talk that bad about the Ravens team.  Then to see the infighting between Ravens fans, yelling and screaming through their posts about who should be fired and let go and who doesn't know football etc etc.  That made up my mind that I don't want to be associated with that hot mess.  I decided to not jump from frying pan to fire by sticking with my current team.

As you grow up, you can pick whatever team you like to root for.  Your mother will suggest the Steelers but I will probably confuse you and suggest you pick your hometown team even though I root for another.  Your Grandpa Leo will tell you to pick the Packers but that is because he thinks the cheese head is the coolest fan apparel out there and he likes that they are a community owned franchise.  But whatever you do, whatever team you pick, whatever the reason, don't let it cause you any misery or grief.  Remain loyal but remember that in essence you are watching grown men play a game for millions of dollars.  If they win or lose really shouldn't effect your life as there are so many more important things, so even after a rough loss, stay classy.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Sharing Life

To my son Tommy,

There are times when two people will see the same thing and both will come out of the experience with totally different views of what they just saw.  Two people can live basically the same life, go through the same experiences, yet see things completely different.  Two people can be taught by the same teacher and taught the same lesson and have learned completely different things. Their perceptions, their values, their priorities, all effect how people see things.  In essence they are living overlapping lives.

I often do not see things the way others do.  That is why I write to you in these letters.  I want to share my life with you not just coexist in the same place.  I am trying to show you how I see things.  I want you to learn what I find important and learn my priorities in life and give you some insight into why.  You don't have to come to the same conclusions as your old man (because he is often filled with bull) but I am trying to arm you with the ability to find out what is true and right.

I want you to know what is truly important.  I want you to respect life.  I want you to learn how to love.  I want you to actively listen instead of waiting for your turn to talk.  I want you to give of yourself and attempt to share your life with your friends and family and beyond. I want you to share your hopes and dreams and soul with your future wife and kids.  I want you to really share life's experiences and not just happen to live through them with someone.

No two people in the world will perceive any event exactly the same way but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try to share.  When we fail to share and to fail to live with compassion and understanding and just assume others are of the same mindset, this is often when the world's problems occur.  Only through love and an honest effort to rise above our overlapping experiences and truly share of ourselves will these problems disappear.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Disrespectful Eyes

To my son Tommy,

I would like to share a quote of a quote I found in an article written by crime reporter Justin George for a Baltimore Sun website about the violence this year in Baltimore.  (it may have been in print to but I found it on the web)

Owens said he knows what’s causing the violence. It’s not drugs or money, though they are fuel. Triggers are pulled over “respect” — and it doesn’t take much.
“It can be words,” he said. “It can be eyes. Eyes can be disrespectful. I know it sounds crazy but it’s true.”
Turn the other cheek today and someone will take advantage of you tomorrow.
“At the end of the day, if someone feels disrespected, what’s the first thing they think about?” he said. http://darkroom.baltimoresun.com/2013/08/crime-story/#7 

I thought this was very telling and gave more insight than I could ever find about the problems that face our city and our community.  The quoted young man has lost three of his friends to violence in three years.  His story and the story of his lost friends and the insight from his words made me extremely sad.

The media and the politicians and the police force all point to this and that and that and this as the cause of our problems and tell us how they will solve it.  But my question is how do we cure it? How do you reach into someone's heart and teach them that true respect starts with respect for themselves and respect for life?  How do you show someone that you don't need to posture and be tough and have street cred to survive when they have a million examples of just the opposite?  Prisoners who are just trying to survive their time learn to always look down and not make eye contact in case someone misconstrues disrespect.  Are the Baltimore streets no better than a prison?  How can we teach that you don't need to kill to seem strong when our own nation is considering missile strikes so it doesn't seem weak?  I don't know the answers to these questions but I know as a society and a community these are the questions we should be focusing on, instead of which child actor is twerking her dignity away.

I promise to raise you with enough self-respect that you won't even consider taking a life for the disrespectful (real or imagined) way someone looks at you.  You will respect God, the law, life, and most of all yourself more than your pride or how others think of you and how you look.  You will not throw away your life or the life of others because you thought you would seem weak for inaction.  If we could get every father in Baltimore to make this same promise, this same pledge, perhaps then we could start to make a difference.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

No Labor Labor Day

To my son Tommy,

Once again we successfully celebrated Labor Day by skirting work and shirking most responsibility.  We started slow and amused ourselves in the morning by burying each family member in stuffed animals.  Later we hit the movies down in Arundel Mills mall to watch Despicable Me 2.  After the movie y took a train ride around the mall, and we also hit the Lego store and bought a kit to make a police helicopter.  We got home and bribed you into a back to school bath by promising you to make the kit.  Somehow we got you to bed at 7:30 after what has become a habitual game of hide and seek.  In fact a late night run to Planet Fitness was my closest thing to working.  Below are a couple snapshots from our escapades.  All in all another successful no work holiday.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo