Friday, October 10, 2014

The Penis Seminars

To my son Tommy,

"Hey Daddy! Guess what?! My penis feels fine!" you yelled from your bed. I giggled to myself thinking that every man should yell this out every morning he wakes.

You see, you have had a couple issues over the past day or two. Two days ago at school, you told your teacher and the school nurse that it hurt when you went potty. We drilled you about this at home and you described the pain to be in your gut or your bladder. Through the influence of your great aunt, we got a late night doctor appointment with your doctor's office. The urine culture came back fine and the doctor said as long as there isn't a fever, there should be no infection and nothing to worry about.

Well, last night you complained about your penis hurting. This time it was something different and I assume the problems being back to back are coincidental. You were chaffed, and after going to bed you called down with your new issue. Your mom went upstairs armed with her nursing prowess and Caldasene powder to address the issue. A couple minutes later you called down saying it still hurt and started crying.

It was time for someone who could commiserate on a different level because he has been there. You see mothers, and for that matter women in general, have had (and often still have every month) more pain than you were experiencing. I could give you tons of visuals using metaphors about squeezing watermelons through holes and bleeding for so many days, but I'd prefer you to just take my word at this point. The catch is, having a higher degree of pain is not the same as being able to understand the very specific pain and worry when it comes to man parts. You needed someone who knew exactly what you were feeling. You needed your dad!

We decided you could sleep commando and that made you feel better for a little bit. But soon you realized it wasn't enough, so I had to stay up in your room discussing things. I felt like I was a keynote speaker at a seminar for one. So I decided to list out stuff we talked about as if they were titles for breakout sessions.

  • Proper Anatomical Terms: It isn't less embarrassing if he calls it a schwanstugel
  • Been There, Done That, I Cried: A personal story from long ago of an inflamed blackhead that popped up in a precarious location and how it had to be dealt with.
  • This Might Sting: A discussion of which bathroom wipes contain alcohol and how they interact with chaffed skin.
  • It Takes Time: An in depth survey into the power of Caldasene powder and how it isn't an instantaneous cure and most medicines rarely are.
  • Moisture Wars: A practical look into how adding toilet paper to your post urination arsenal may help keep you dry till you master "the shake". May also delve into "Penguin Walks" if time permits.
  • Clean And Dirty: How often is too often when it comes to showering? Are there alternatives? What are the things you can skip and things you can't in your daily cleaning routing?
  • The Commando Effect: An examination of the cooling, healing, and drying effects of ceiling fans and going without bottoms. Also including flips, flops, and folds and how position counts.
  • Distraction Techniques: How counting to one hundred can remove the focus from the pain.
  • Is There Nothing You Can Do?: Delve into the emotions of a helpless father who hears his son ask this when the son realizes the powder and counting and no underwear really hasn't done crap to better the current situation.
  • School Is So Going To Call Home About This: A hard hitting study on discussing post traumatic crotch experience as a kindergartner even though your mom told you not to and predicting the likelihood that a Catholic school might have a few questions.
Trust me son, this is the stuff you are not going to learn about in school. This is the stuff you are going to have to talk about with your son some day. It really isn't fun nor funny. You have to deal with this in all seriousness (while still maintaining a sense of humor) and with as much honesty and clarity as possible, even though it can seem uncomfortable and embarrassing. Luckily, I had a father and mother who taught me very matter of factly about stuff like this. That is why I can tell you very clearly what is what and tell you directly what has to happen. 

Thus endeth the penis seminars. I hope you have enjoyed our lectures and discussions and have found some useful practices to stop needless chaffing or at least to deal with the results the next time it happens. And it will happen again. And I will be right there with more info and suggestions.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

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