Saturday, August 31, 2013

Fatherly Skills



To my son Tommy,

If I had a résumé for fatherhood, I would have to update it today.  You and I took a walk this morning and, as usual when we walk, we ended up at the Family Dollar.  You did your usual browsing of the toy section and ended up with a packet of long balloons that had a small air pump and instructions on how to make a balloon dog.  We paid the two bucks plus tax (it might have dollar in the name of the store but it isn't a dollar store in the true sense) and you had the youthful anticipation of a balloon zoo the entire walk home.  I had to do some quick learning of a new skill.  Thank goodness for the Internet.

I think I did fairly well.  We ended up with a dog and a giraffe and then went on to hats and swords.  We made each of us a hat which you decided were pirate hats and even mommy got a sword.  We had a little ship to ship pirate battle throughout the house.  Later you decided the same balloon hat was a crown and wore it for most of the day, even to your grandparent's house for dinner. Keeping with the theme from yesterday's letter, I think a full day of fun and imagination for $2.12 and a little bit of time on the web for a crash course in balloon twisting qualifies as a great investment in life!

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Friday, August 30, 2013

Invest In Yourself



To my son Tommy,

I thought to myself "I still want a cigarette every day." as the guy two in front of me at the convenience store paid seven bucks for a pack.  Trust me, I won't start again, but the urge is still there and probably will be for life.  I quick did the math and was happy about no longer spending close to two and a half grand a year just for me on smokes.  I looked down at what I was buying as the next guy in line paid for his gas.  I had an oversized candy bar and an overpriced coffee drink.  At first I rationalized what I was about to buy with my "found money" from quitting my nicotine habit.  Then I had a change of heart.

Somewhere deep in my mind a voice said, "Invest in yourself".  I had agreed with this idea in principal but never practiced it on a such a micro level.  I looked down at my possible "investment".  I wasn't impressed.  The only return on investment I would receive is a couple minutes of taste pleasure and a quick caffeine and sugar high.  Along with the price of the overpriced stuff, I would also have to pay in empty calories and sugar and the bad effects of this indulgence.  The correlation to smoking was hitting too close to home.  When the register came open I quick put my initial planned purchase back and switched it for an overpriced apple and overripe banana that they were offering.  I might be paying too much still, but the ROI just increased in the long term.  I think I figured out what they mean by invest in yourself and brought it to a new level in my life.

The return of investment doesn't have to be monetary.  It can be quite abstract and be anything you value.  Your investment can pay off in health; it can pay off in karma; it can pay off in love; it can pay off in pleasure; it can even pay off in keeping your own sanity.  Make sure you consider every cent you spend and every minute you spend with regards to what type of return you will get both in the short term and the long term.  I am not saying that an occasional indulgence is to be always dismissed, but you should spend the brain power to thoughtfully consider every option and how this investment can help you in the future.

Even if you overpay for something you will be able to overlook being fleeced by the price if the return on investment is there.  Take for example an overpriced wizard hat, an overpriced cloak, and an overpriced magic bubble wand in a star shape, all bought at the RennFest for a four year old.  Today as a father and son had some quality time on the front porch, these items once again realized their investment potential.  They proved their worth as we sat their on our front porch attempting to take back Catonsville one magic bubble at a time.  The money spent will never help us in our financial goals but a few extremely large bubbles sure helped us talk to our neighbors and a few who walked by our house.  Plus the smile on the face of a four year old wizard, every time you wear this outfit, is darn near priceless!

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Thursday, August 29, 2013

No Cape

To my son Tommy,

Your mother didn't wear a cape out of the house this morning circa six in the morning as she went off to her clinical training.  She wore a very smart and professional looking get up.  No cape, but she is still our superhero.  She has this effortless way about her to balance life and keep us in line while doing it.  I am sure there are times where she doesn't think it is so effortless and gets frazzled, but from our vantage point she is as graceful as a ballerina when it comes to dancing between everything.  Sure I tease her from time to time, even in these letters to you, but I need to stress how great your mom is to us and in general.  I might bring up that she can be a grump in the morning, but getting only an hour or two of sleep might put anyone on edge but she doesn't let that stop her.  I might bring up the vast little differences of the way men and women think and how that plays out in our relationship, but that will always be there and is just the way of life.  I might even rag on her for her Crohn's disease and joke that I married her in sickness and health and am still waiting for the latter, but that is more my problem because I often use bad inappropriate and politically incorrect humor to lighten a very serious issue.  Despite all these little things, your mother is the greatest mom and greatest wife.

Take for example today.  She should have been able to focus on just her for her first day of clinicals.  She is going through the same new school year jitters and adjustments as you.  But she did so many things so your good-hearted but somewhat clueless father could get you off to school in a timely fashion with all the necessities.  She made and packed your lunch; She taught me how to add the freezer thingamajig to your lunchbox; She made sure your book-bag was right there ready for school; She made sure an outfit was set out so you wouldn't end up dressing like a harlequin; She made sure your outfit today was easier for potty breaks at school so no accidents happen;  She basically thoughtfully prepped me and you for total success.  This morning was a breeze.

That is just one example.  Her thoughtfulness and consideration and compassion span so many avenues.  She makes extra during dinner so she can bring it up to Nansy.  She prints out extra copies of notes on three hole punched paper for other students in her class.  She takes Nana Jeanne to the movies and occasional plants flowers for her.  She goes out of her way to find the just right blanket to make your Great Grandfather Leo feel more comfortable.  She is the type who finds a wallet on the ground and makes sure she finds the owner.  If she is asked to bring a dessert, she isn't bringing some store bought cookies but rather a full on production of some recipe she found on pinterest or in her own archives.  She does all this with a large loving and forgiving heart.  She is simply amazing.  My son, you may not realize it yet, but you have a full on superhero for a mom.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

P.S. If your mommy happens to read this...tell her I am sorry for forgetting to put out the garbage today.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Our First Day

To my son Tommy,

Your official first day of school ( a full day and not just an orientation) is today.  Here are a few pictures of us before we left the house.  We have none of you going in because we just dropped you off.  It was the same mentality of ripping a bandage off, quick and hopefully painless.  You seemed pretty okay with your lot in life as we drove off.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo
















Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Not So Routine

To my son Tommy,

One of the ways to deal with the routine in life is to integrate the not-so-routine.  You have been making new adjustments and adding to your daily routine.  We have been focusing on bed time and wake time and brushing teeth twice a day and taking your daily vitamin and many many more routines that will help you as you grow and, more immediately, help us adjust to the new school year.  So when I had you this morning, and I had gotten through the normal stuff like breakfast and vitamin and teeth brushing, and we were about to head over to your Bwama's house, I let you dress up in your wizard outfit.  I figure the normal everyday habits occasionally need to take a back seat to the normal eccentricities that accompany the Downey name.  As a Downey, you can learn to follow daily routines and daily habits, but somewhere deep inside we always have our own way of things.  Somewhere deep inside we march to the beat of our own drums.  If this means wearing a wizard outfit out in public, or wearing a colander on your head like your Granddad, or wearing flips flops and Hawaiian shirts into the dead of winter like a younger version of your old man used to, then so be it.  Just learn to embrace your unique quirks in conjunction with the world not against the world.  Don't become the rebel without a clue that your father was for so many years in his younger days.  Don't be different for the sake of non-conformity.  Be different because it truly is how you think and who you are.  Only then will the true magic of a four year old wizard show through.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Monday, August 26, 2013

Don't Mind At All

To my son Tommy,

I am probably one of the few people who do not mind one iota that people post up so many "first day of school" pictures around this time.  Many dread reading social media this time of year because of these type of posts.  Some would rather take a naked slide down a razor into a vat of lemon juice.  But I love seeing new beginnings from my family and friends and share in their excitement and dread.  I personally think the new school year is inspiring.  It reminds me that we are all students of life.  You just had your orientation today so technically it wasn't your first day of school, or so I was told by a grumpy mommy that was upset you got up at 6:30 AM and thus she didn't want first day pics.  I think you and I both missed the memo that your orientation started at 9 AM rather than when your normal school day would start at 8 AM which somehow translates into me being the cause of your mom missing an hour of sleep.  Oh well.  I don't mind that at all either because I am giddy with excitement for you as you continue growing up.  I guess we will get first day pics on Wednesday.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Renn Fest



To my son Tommy,

Today, we escaped to the year 1520.  We escaped to the world of kings and queens and knights and princesses and pirates and wenches and fools.  We escaped to Revel Grove and attended the Maryland Renaissance Festival in attempt to leave the hectic life of the 21st century far behind.

Your dad is a veteran of this festival.  I know little tricks and ins and outs of the faire.  I know the map and the lay of the land like the back of my hand.  What I realized today though, is most of my knowledge was learned and earned as a bachelor.  When I was younger, knowing every pub and tavern where you can buy a cider was quite useful and allowed me to plan out my course around Revel Grove between show then beer then show then beer then food then beer then show then beer.  Unfortunately as a father of a four year old, my experience is less useful.

I still know a few things that help.  I know that opening weekend is less attended than the following holiday weekend because many think it opens on the holiday weekend.  I know that the 2pm joust is going to be the most crowded because many feel obligated to see a joust before they go and many are ready to go by 2pm.  I know there are a few games that cost a dollar that you will usually win and the prize is a free drink (which evidently recently changed to a free soda instead of any type of drink) which ends up saving you a buck or two on your beverages.  If people can keep up with me and don't dawdle and follow my lead, I become a decent tour guide and they would have a great experience.  But the things that I don't know about the Renn Fest as a father are numerous.

I didn't know how much fun the maze is for you.  I didn't think to make sure to go clockwise around the town so we wouldn't have to back track up the hill after the big slide.  I didn't plan on how much fun you would have in the playground.  I don't know what shows will and will not capture your interest and stuff I like (Shakespeare's Skum for example) might never capture your attention.  And I didn't know which store carried the best kids costume stuff and how hard it was to find a cape or a cloak for you today.  I don't know about you, but I'd be willing to go back a couple more times until we get to the same level as a father-mother-son team that I once had in my bachelor days.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Commercial Influence

To my son Tommy,

You came running in to the bathroom all excited.  Somehow you were oblivious to my annoyance and the smell.  "Daddy, daddy, I just saw the camel on TV!  Hump Day! Yeah!".  It is hard to look serious about your privacy message as a father and to usher out a four year old of the potty when you are laughing.

The influence of commercials on your thinking has been concerning.  There is a Planter's Peanuts commercial that has you convinced of the health benefits of peanuts and that you need them.  Peanuts might live up to their claims but, though we haven't tested those waters, we believe you to be allergic.  So, no matter how healthy they might be, they aren't too healthy to you.  Then there is the Jimmy Dean commercial that stressed the calorie count of the microwave breakfast sandwich.  You eagerly informed us that you want calories too.  And right now you are pointing to the TV and asking to try Reese's peanut butter cups.  I picture an evil ad exec smoking cigars in some back room and laughing maniacally that their commercial logic is reaching future customers.

Somehow I will have to undo this commercial mentality.  It is an uphill battle for a father that the only sure fire way of winning is the nuclear option called the power button on the TV.  I am really just hoping that a commercial for a food you are not allergic to catches your interest.  That may help with your food challenges.  But you have to remember most every commercial, and for that matter a good amount of the supposed news stories and self help articles, has one purpose and that is to separate you from your money.  You have to be really discerning as to what you really need in this life.  And after you make the list of what you think is worth spending your money on, review it again and get rid of half the things listed.  What you really need in life is usually not found on a commercial on TV.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo


Friday, August 23, 2013

Two Years



To my son Tommy,

It now has been two years since your stillborn brother was delivered into this world.  His heart had stopped beating in the womb after just eighteen or nineteen weeks with us.  It hasn't got any easier to talk about or to deal with.  They told me time heals all wounds but I know I am still angry.  My anger stems from not knowing how to cope with a bunch of other feelings.  It is the culmination of frustration, sadness, grief, despair, fear, and a whole flood of emotions.  And there seems to be plenty to go around.  I am angry at nature, at the medical profession, at God, at people, at myself, and at the entire thing.

No questions have been answered.  I don't know why, on any level be it physical or metaphysical, this happened.  No doctor has told me why, nor have they told me the likelihood of it happening again.  No answers have come from Above that help me to understand the plan here or why your mother and you and I were chosen to bear this cross. And I am sorry but it makes me feel anger.

It is okay to be angry with God.  He is a big boy and can take it.  Just because you are angry with someone doesn't preclude love.  One of the first things I did this morning was to go to church and pray.  I sat in the back so my tears wouldn't disrupt Mass for anyone, but I did go.  I told God straight out that I am angry with him and I asked Him to help me love Him and then I thanked Him for the gift of His only Son.  If anyone knows about losing a son, He certainly does.  I prayed that He bestows His grace on us to better understand.  It is okay to be angry with God, but it takes faith to refuse to abandon Him even tough you are angry with Him.  But I imagine he never loses love for me no matter how I could anger Him throughout my life.

I am angry with people.  I am angry with people who don't respect life enough in any stage or form.  I think that is why the recent shootings got to me so much.  I just want to scream at these people that seem dead set on shooting other people.  I want to scream, "Life is too precious!", a lesson I learned holding Baby Sal in my hands.  As long as I live, every soul I see taken from this world will remind me of the soul that never got to take a breath in this world, and I am just not sure I will ever understand.

I am also angry at myself for both moving on too much and at the same time not moving on enough.  Every time I remember Baby Sal throughout the year I get angry that I haven't remembered him more often and yet get upset and feel guilty that I got myself all upset.  I feel angry with people who say it is time to move on because on some level I agree with them and on another I know many aren't speaking from experience.  I feel guilty that I was unable to save my son in the womb nor that I even knew he was in danger.  I feel anger that I did not do enough even though there was nothing I could do.  Guilt is complicated.  Anger is complicated.  Love is complicated.  

For all this anger, for all this emotion and for any rage I might feel, nothing from the past changes.  Baby Sal has passed on like an unseen shooting star and there is no emotion that will change that.  Anger can only effect your present and your future, most often in a negative way.  Anger can eat at you like a cancer, if you let it.  It can make you lose your faith, if you let it.  It can harden your heart and your soul and make you lose love, if you let it.  When you deal with your anger remember it is your choice as to how it effects you.  Don't let it destroy you.

I still consider Sal a precious gift.  We were blessed to have him for the short time we did, and we are blessed for what he has taught us about anger, and love, and faith, and life.  I pray for the anger to subside and a certain peace to take its place.  I visualize my grandparents Deezy and Charlie enjoying their 2 year old great grandchild in heaven.  And I thank God that I have a wonderful wife and another wonderful son to lean on as we help each other through any grief.

http://tomysontommy.blogspot.com/2012/08/baby-sal.html

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo



Thursday, August 22, 2013

Busy Day

To my son Tommy,

As I left the house for work this morning, you and your mother were snuggled on the couch watching your favorite cheesy Hallmark movie which I think is called the Banner Project or the Banner 4th of July or something like that.  I snapped a photo of the scene on my way out but, since I prefer being married to having a photo enhanced letter to you, I decided against posting it.  How you got hooked on a Hallmark movie at four I will never understand and I blame your mother's genes but thank goodness we have it on our DVR because you request it about once a week or more.  I was completely jealous and thought spending the day cuddling with you watching cheesy movies would be the perfect escape from all of life's worries.  But work calls and it promises to be a busy day, which isn't too bad because keeping busy is another form of escape.  That is good because our dance card for the day is full.  If you are going to try to avoid worry, might as well be productive!  After the usual hustle and bustle of work with a couple extra meetings today, we have your second introductory kung fu class tonight and then immediately to the ice cream social that kicks off the school year at St Agnes for you.  I think your Bwama has a volunteer project for me as well at the school immediately following the ice cream social.  Maybe with this busy schedule I will keep my mind off Baltimore crime and how little separates a mugging at gunpoint from a shooting and other such thoughts.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Escape

To my son Tommy,

You can usually tell when I am avoiding something. When I start waxing philosophical or go through some deep self evaluations, I may be just escaping from the world by retreating into my mind.  It isn't always the case and sometimes I just like delving off into the deeper darker recesses of my imagination or sit around contemplating my navel, but for this week it seems to be the case.

The number one thing bothering me recently is the increased gun violence in Baltimore (both city and county) that seems to be sweeping the area.  The city has had 20 shootings in the span of 80 hours and that doesn't include the stuff the county police took like the shooting a couple blocks up the street.  Your mother is worried sick and now concerns herself with things like unpacking the car from grocery shopping alone even if it is in the middle of the day.  Your mother's and your safety are of my utmost concern.  One of the fatherly jobs that is second nature is protect your loved ones.  I am fixing locks and checking alarms and thinking of what else I can do not only to keep you guys safe but to make you feel safe.  But a little paranoia can go a long way into your psyche and it takes time to feel safe again.  I do think the heightened vigilance in safety is a good thing to keep going, if only we could do it without the additional worry or fear.  Your mom is down at jury duty down in the city today so who knows how that will effect her attitude to the recent crimes.  

Also on my mind is medical.  It seems our family (extended included) is constantly hit with a steady stream of medical problems.  Your Great Uncle Jack recently came down with some unknown thing much like your Great Aunt Lizzie did.  They caught the signs and symptoms much faster and responded much quicker than with Aunt Lizzie and reports are promising, but he is still hospitalized.  They are going to have the house checked out for mold or another environmental factor because it is too coincidental.  Our prayers once again go out to the Broderick family.

Then we have the usual constant and consistent medical in the family.  Nansy's cancer treatments, Roro's MS and diabetes, Pop-pop's A-fib, your Uncle Raymond's recent crohn's surgery, are just a few that come to mind and top the list.  It doesn't lessen the worry about the others, like your Grandad Leo, or Bwama, or your Great Grandparents Downey, or all the others in the family.  It really is a sad state that we have list toppers in regards to medical concerns.  Of course for me, the number one list topper (since you are for the most part healthy as long as we avoid beef) is your mom.  I am always concerned with her Crohn's disease and her Humira treatments.  It tears me up inside when I see the pain the treatment causes and that we put her out of commission for nearly two days every time we do the injectable.  That concern is tempered by the memory of the crohn's pains that lasted for much longer than two days, but doesn't make it any easier.

And finally I am avoiding my feelings of August 23rd and the hurt from losing your baby brother Sal.  I may write you a letter on that Friday but right now just want to keep escaping for a bit.  Throw on top just the general pressures and worries of life like money, daily chores, providing for a family, being a good father, and being a good husband.  It is no wonder I am escaping into my mind a bit.  

I tell you all this to show you that sometimes life gets hard for everyone and you have to cope. If you get overwhelmed like this in your life in the future, you won't think, "Woe is me, my father never worried about all this type of stuff".  I don't want you to create a false ideal to strive for.  You have to know the struggles and concerns that I shielded you from when you were four, you just don't have to know them now.

If troublesome worries force you to retreat, if you must escape, don't look to vices like alcohol or drugs or anger or denial for answers they don't provide or the brief bit of numbness they do provide.  Escaping into your mind and self reflection or even escaping into a good book is a much more preferred way of coping and will supply the necessary relief to ready your self to deal.  And you must realize that you can't keep running and eventually you will have to deal.  But for now, I will focus on other easier things to keep my mind preoccupied, like you attending your introductory lessons to kung fu or figuring out how a great big hug from a son can prove that I exist.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo


Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Think Therefore I Am?



To my son Tommy,

I am on one of my philosophical kicks today.  With my humble understanding and limited brain power, I have been thinking about thinking.  When you think about thinking, I automatically think about Descartes.  Just to warn you if you want a simple letter from your dad today, and one that won't hurt your brain pan, turn away now.

Rene Descartes went on a philosophical journey in search of reality and arrived at the proposition of "cogito ergo sum" or most commonly translated as "I think therefore I am".  He was sent on this journey with the realization that all that we know, that all knowledge could simply be a figment of our imagination or a trick of a mind.  It is a brilliant little exercise in stripping down all the extras and questioning everything to try to arrive at the basics. It was funny that so many great minds would be so skeptical of who, I would say, is the father of all skeptics in philosophy.  He was attacked 200 years later, using his own methodic doubt, by minds like Nietzsche and Kierkegaard saying "Hey that whole argument supposes there is an I" and other such nonsense that probably made Descartes roll over in his grave and say "There is no pleasing some jerks".

There is a not so funny joke (unless you are a student of philosophy) that illustrates the whole concept of being a skeptic and searching for only that you can prove.  An engineer, a scientist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are hiking through the hills of Scotland, when they see a lone black sheep in a field.
The engineer says, "What do you know, it looks like the sheep around here are black." The scientist looks at him skeptically and replies, "Well, at least some of them are." The mathematician considers this for a moment and replies, "Well, at least one of them is." Then the philosopher turns to them and says, "Well, at least on one side."
It also illustrates how philosophers (and would be philosophers like your old man) can be a right pain in the butt.  The thoughts that cross a philosopher's mind can be quite annoying to the philosopher himself.  That is why I must examine today's thought and how it fits in (or doesn't fit) with Descartes proposition.

Like you know I have been thinking about habits and daily life and chores and joy and such.  The science of the brain and what creates a habit has always intrigued me.  It is easy to create a habit of, for example, eating ice cream everyday.  The body tells the mind that sugar is a reward and the mind believes it and starts craving it.  Much less easy is to create a habit of, for example, eating an apple a day.  We have to convince ourselves of the reward and how the reward is better than sugar.  We have to spend effort to reason with our mind and brain.

The brain can be easily tricked.  If you tell yourself something often enough, you brain will soon accept it as fact.  The world created little sayings like "An apple a day keeps the doctor away" to do just that, to convince ourselves that the good habit has a good reward.  Many can use these types of tricks to convince yourself of all types of things (good and bad) and the effect is obvious.  Usually this effort to convince your mind comes from exterior forces, commercials, politics, the pulpit, your friends and family, basically others in general.  But here is the rub, you can trick your own mind.  With no other external forces, I can convince myself of something.

This begs the question of who is doing the arguing in my mind.  How can I knowingly and so obviously trick my own mind?  On purpose no less!  This is not an illusionist or other trickster that sets out to trick my mind by bending light and sleight of hand.  No, I know all the tricks I am about to pull and am fully aware of what is happening, yet it still works.  If I say it enough and convince myself an apple a day is good, then I will think an apple a day is good and a good habit is created.  If everyday I clap my hands and say out loud that I am having (make sure to use present tense) a good day, then somewhere deep in my mind, in my psyche, something changes and my attitude changes and the opportunity for enjoying the day increases tenfold.  I actually trick myself into believing I am having a good day and thus have a good day.  It is amazing!  The list of mental manipulations is long but not complicated, being mostly filled with the simplest of techniques.

So, (and here is where I attempt to combine two seemingly unrelated concepts which will result in a philosophical train wreck in my mind that I swear is not drug induced) if my thoughts are proof of existence, where is the force coming from to manipulate my thoughts?  Am I having an argument between the two hemispheres of my brain?  Does that mean that since one side can use thought to change the thought of the other that I am in fact living in dual existence?  Multiple personalities? Perhaps thought, and thus my existence, is an ever evolving object that remains in an amorphous state adjusting itself through a series of self manipulations and self politicking?  Or is this proof of a soul, separate from the mind, that can control and influence my thoughts from some deeper realm of existence?

As always, I end up with more questions than answers whenever I start getting too philosophical.  I think that is why I love philosophy.  It is one of the only disciplines where a question can be answered with an unanswered question and everyone is okay with that.  As you grow up in our family my son, I will teach you to challenge what you know, to think critically, to think skeptically, to look for truth and what really exists.  I will also teach you how to trick your mind into making yourself a better person no matter which realm of existence this stems from.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Monday, August 19, 2013

Man In The Mirror



To my son Tommy,

Today I was looking at the man in the mirror, quite literally.  I was standing there shaving, thinking how shaving is such a pain in the hind side, when I noticed this grumpy man staring back at me who obviously was just as annoyed with the chore of shaving.  His hair definitely had highlights of gray and his face was showing some wear and tear but it was the sour disposition that really put me off.  I thought of my advice to you so many times to enjoy the journey.  I thought how I had suggested to you  that you have to find your personal growth and personal joy in the challenge of daily life.  I thought to myself, "If I could just impress on this guy how important it is to lighten up and learn to enjoy daily chores, how much life would be better for him."  He was alive yet another day to shave that ugly mug of his before he gratefully headed to a job that helps him provide for a his loving family.  That grumpy man in the mirror smirked as if he knew what I was thinking.  Then he winked as if to suggest to me that I am full of crap and would look better with beard.  My reflection is such a smartass.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Sunday, August 18, 2013

More Mixed Signals

To my son Tommy,

At Mass today you turned and asked me to go potty.  I inquired if you could hold it.  You said yes and then turned to your Great Aunt Lulu and asked her.  I realized that for at least two years I have been teaching you to "stop, go right away" and yet here I was asking you to do something different because it was inconvenient.  I do hate getting up during Mass and disturbing people.  I do always wonder what the proper steps are for a quick potty break.  Do I do a full genuflect at the tabernacle or do I just do a quick nod in and out to be less of a disturbance?  Either way, me asking you to hold it was definitely about what is easy rather than sticking to my beliefs and teachings and what is right.  The right thing was to take you to the potty and that is what I did after my initial balk.

Funny enough, the homily today was kind of in line with our experience today.  You must stand behind what you believe no matter how easy it is to put it off.  You have to be true to yourself and to your faith and do not bend to make others happy.  I am not saying you should abandon being thoughtful or considerate or polite, but, to extremely simplify the lesson and compare it to today, if you have to go..you have to go.  I will try to send you less mixed signals.  Just like when you start singing "Glory to God" at the top of your lungs in the supermarket aisle,  I will not hush you because it might seem embarrassing.  I will just unapologetically and proudly point and say, "He gets this stuff from his father".

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Shootings In The Area

To my son Tommy,

There was another shooting in the neighborhood last night, or technically early this morning.  It happened around 1:00 AM about a block or less away up the road.  Supposedly happened at the corner of Edmondson and Aldershot.  Details are sketchy and some say (people who were at the local bar on the same block) a teen was shot while some news agencies reporting two were shot.  The point is it is way too close to home.  When I was a big bar goer before we had you, many a night I walked past that same corner probably around the same time from the local bar so I would not risk drinking and driving.  But for the grace of God, and growing up and having you, that could have been me.  We still have many friends who are bar flies so your mother was worried sick all night.

Your mother recently had another shooting hit close to home, even though it wasn't close to our home.  A old friend of hers was shot twice (I believe in the throat) on August 13th in the Hampden area while escorting another friend to her car.  It was an attempted mugging and he did the brave thing of garnering the muggers attentions so his friend could run for safety.  He will make it but I imagine two bullets in you can sour your mood for a bit.

While we were on our vacation in OCNJ, on Aug 3rd in the 200 block of North Rock Glen road, about three blocks down our street, was another shooting.  Of course, it seems none of the crime maps show that shooting, but it was reported in the news outlets like the Baltimore Sun.  I guess the police not putting stuff like that on the crime maps makes them look better.  Or maybe I should give them the benefit of the doubt and hope they are too busy out there trying to solve these crimes that they don't have time to update some database.

It is pretty scary when crimes come close to your home.  As I left the house this morning, I sure as hellfire set the alarm and dead bolted the door.  I was headed out to church to pray for an end to senseless violence in our community and, even though I don't know the details or the victims, to pray for those involved.

Some will immediately talk about getting out of the area.  It is a common response to the fear.  Some will say their is no solution.  That is a common response to the frustration and feeling helpless.  Some will say it is nothing to worry about and that wreaks of denial.  I am not sure of the real solution, but I am not going to run scared nor am I going to deny any problems.  I guess we can watch out for each other a little more in the neighborhood, but we know our neighbors and we keep an eye on things for them but even then senseless violence seeps in.  The solution lies in the hearts of all people in our community and world.  I hope and pray that someday people will just stop shooting other people, period.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Friday, August 16, 2013

Peas Glorious Peas



To my son Tommy,

Every food we get you to try is a struggle.  That is why every food you eventually eat is such a triumph to be celebrated.  That new food we celebrate is the basic green pea.  You ate ten of these little green balls last night, and that is something that even your mother and grandmother Ro don't particularly like doing.  Your mother, being the great mom she is, suffered through her helping to set a good example for you.  There you sat, with ten green peas set out in a row in front of you, and one by one, you chewed them up and swallowed and celebrated.  I think you even did two at a time when you got a little over half way through.  You started being a bit picky with the size and shape of the pea.  Evidently you prefer none broken and less wrinkly peas, but we can deal with that OCD later.  It is kind of like you not liking the too crunchy french fries.  I guess we will just load you up with hundreds of peas to choose from.

Enjoy the celebrations of your youth.  I laugh when I think about and scrutinize what we celebrate and praise you for accomplishing.  Soon, the achievements of your youth will be come commonplace and expected.  What, yesterday, was a great accomplishment, tomorrow will be required and expected.  I mean I ate a full serving of peas and no one told me "Great job" (I kid, I kid).  It is just the way of the world that levels of expectation constantly rise.

It is the triumph of the struggle, the first summit of the mount, that brings excitement and elation for everyone.  The practice, the return to the top of the mountain, the doing it again and again, that is where you must find your own personal joy and personal growth.  Every day of life is a struggle.  Every day of life is a struggle to live and love and better ourselves.  Every day of life you must strive to help the world, your family, your fellow man, and yourself to become better.  Every day we have the opportunity to triumph over this struggle we call life and to celebrate the grace given to us to do so.  We don't need the constant excitement and congratulations that the initial moment brought.  There isn't always going to be someone there to say "Great job taking a vitamin every day, I am so proud of you!" but that shouldn't limit you from keeping on.  Occasionally though, on the particularly grueling days where I accomplish so little and just survive with the basics, I would love to feel a hand on my shoulder and a comforting voice saying "You might not think so, but you done good today.  Good job!"  I can almost hear an angel whispering those exact words in my ear every night after we say our prayers and I tuck you in for the night and you say "I love you Daddy".

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Obligation

To my son Tommy,

When I was young and your grandfather would drag me out to church on a weekday, I was pretty grumpy.  I used to look at Mass as an "Only on Sunday" thing and never quite understood why it would encroach on an otherwise perfectly good weekday.  In fact I looked at my religion as a whole as an "Only on Sunday" thing and would get upset if it encroached anywhere else in my life.  I was wrong and I hope to avoid that mentality with you.  Tonight as we go to church for the Solemnity of the Assumption, I hope you will embrace Mass on a Thursday night and look at it as something exciting and special.  I hope to teach you to let your faith permeate every aspect of your life and not to compartmentalize as I did so often when I was younger.  Even if you have fallen into that trap of thinking God is only for Sunday unless it interferes with the NFL, remember your fathers example later in his life and know that it is never too late to reverse.  It may be called a holy day of obligation, but just like every day you have to live and love, it is not an obligation but a gift.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Single Purpose

To my son Tommy,

In this ever integrated world, I wonder if I am one of the only people who miss single purpose items.  It often seems that if an item is not a swiss army knife jack of all trades type gadget, that it falls behind.  Even the most singularly purposed item, the toaster, has been dabbled with and made to multitask.  To me a bluetooth enabled tweeting toaster that can burn the weather forecast in your breakfast is just overkill.  I yearn for the simplicity of single purpose items that do one job and do it well.  I marvel at our simple toaster in the kitchen for its pure simplicity and wonder how long before a simple toaster is obsolete.  At the same time, your daddy is a bit of a hypocrite and embraces all these multipurpose gadgets with geeky exuberance.  In fact, I like to think I'm a multipurpose gadget myself.

Being a single purpose tool is not as limiting as you may think though.  Take an oven, for example.  The oven has one purpose...to get hot.  Yet with that single purpose people can make a bunch of delicious creations, from baked ziti to chocolate chip cookies.  An oven's single purpose has even extended far from the food realm, from pottery to chemistry and beyond.  It is only limited by the creativity of the user.  The oven, as a single purpose tool, has the ability to transform so many things and so many lives.  Imagine if we were a single purpose tool, whose sole job was to spread the love that fills us! Imagine how many things and how many lives we could transform!

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Late Breaking News



To my son Tommy,

It isn't often when I find it necessary to write a letter to you twice in one day, but today is one of those days.  Along with your vitamin taking, which has pleased us immensely, tonight you made a jump in your food challenges.  For dinner you ate a cheese sandwich.  It was just lightly toasted bread (because all our bread is frozen in the freezer at all times it seems) and two slices of Kraft American cheese.  To the world, a four year old eating a cheese sandwich seems the silliest thing to bring excitement, but anyone who knows your food history will do a little cheer for you.  Remember it is the littlest of things in lifethat bring the greatest joys, especially if it is a triumph over a very hard and long struggle.  Now to get you a new lunch box for the school year to fill with cheese sandwiches.  You are probably going to be the only man in the world that can tell a woman (your mom) to go make him a sammich and totally pull it off!

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Vitamin

To my son Tommy,

You scolded me with, "Did you take your vitamin today?" in a demanding voice.  

You were up no more than 5 minutes because you and Mommy were bringing me to work to pick up my company vehicle that I turned in for the two week vacation.  

"No.  But thank you for reminding me!  Did you take your vitamin today? Maybe we should take it together." I replied with a chuckle.  

You see we recently (FINALLY) got you to take a vitamin every day.  You like the Flintstone's chew-ables and not so keen on the Flintstone's gummy vitamins.  I guess we drilled it in your head how important it is to take a vitamin.  You remind us every day often before we could ever think of it.  It must permeate your dreams because it seems to be bursting from your seams as you wake.  Good thing too with your quirky eating habits.  

Now I guess you are testing if it really is important for everyone by demanding it of your parents.  Well what is good for the gosling is good for the goose and the gander.  Today reminded me my actions must match what I stress to you by word.  If I say taking a vitamin daily is important, and I don't....well you are too smart to fall for that.  We have to be very deliberate as parents right now to instill the good things by example as well.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Monday, August 12, 2013

Follow Up

To my son Tommy,

First day back from work and the number one action on my to do list is to follow up.  Did we get this resolved?  Where are we this?  Who has this?  Why wasn't this done?  Do I have any action to get this done?  And so on and so on.  When you go away for two weeks, especially with no one who really does your job, the things important to you don't get done.  Also when you come back you will find that people have added to your to do list even if it isn't your job.  Since I wasn't around to disagree, they simply said "That is Leo's job."

Honestly, I am not complaining.  I am just stating the facts.  I feel needed and wanted and overwhelmed all at the same time.  I just am slowly working down the to do list, methodically, trying to get caught up.  The vacation was well worth it and quite refreshing because work will always be hard and overwhelming and busy, vacation or not.  Follow up is a big part of life as well as work and I plan on getting home and doing some post vacation snuggling follow ups with my four year old son!

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Crazy Grandpa Leo



To my son Tommy,

Back from our vacation, we resumed dinner at the Downey household.  They missed us greatly and we them.  It would have been easy to skip, especially with the drive home from the beach and unpacking and all the busy things that come with vacation's end, but we forged forward.

The picture is you and your grandfather sharing some quality time.  Yes, that is a colander on your head.  Your grandfather would say it is to protect you from the swallows who were agitated by you guys sitting so close to their front porch nest, but honestly he somehow gets you to wear that "hat" even in angry bird free areas.  Don't lose heart, your crazy grandad also wears the colander from time to time.  Hopefully his inheritance will pay for your therapy.  I kid, I kid.

Sincerely with love from your dd,
Leo

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Refuse To Go



To my son Tommy,

You didn't want to leave.  You and your Aunt Debbie could really commiserate on this feeling.  I was half expecting you both to stage a hug in (which I imagine would be much like a sit in protest except hugging) as we got ready to leave.  But your cousin Emma said it best when she said "Don't cry that it is ending, smile that it happened!"   This was enough to help your aunt but I think the sentiment was poo-poo'd by you as we loaded you in the car tears and all.  The travel was fairly uneventful despite the amount of bad drivers on the road, and when we finally got home you thought you hit the jackpot with all your toys that you have missed for two weeks.  All good things come to an end and for every ending there is a new beginning.  It doesn't have to feel like a return to the same old same old.  Just like you are rediscovering your missed toy treasures and introducing them to your new toys from the ocean, we will have to hope we are refreshed enough from the vacation to return to our lives with the joy and exuberance of a four year old.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Friday, August 9, 2013

Listen To The Music

To my son Tommy,

If you ever got separated from us on the OCNJ boardwalk, it wouldn't be too difficult to find you,  we would simply have to walk to the nearest guy with a guitar and there you would be stopped to listen.  Last night was "family night" on the boards and that meant every block or two they had a musical act scheduled to entertain the masses.  This also meant, besides the normal stops for costumed people or animatronic animals, that it took double the amount of time to get up to the rides.

Recently, a viral video had a world class violin player give a free concert in Grand Central station and only a couple people stopped to see this "street" performer.  It was a shame that people were so busy with their lives that they never realized what they were missing.  So good on you for stopping for the music.  I doubt we had a world class concerto on any of the boardwalk shows but a couple of the guitar players and singers weren't too shabby.  It might add a few minutes to the arrival at the destination but it is the journey that you should enjoy and the more you stop to listen to the music, the more you stop to smell the flowers (or in this case the Johnson's popcorn), the more you will appreciate the journey of life.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Rainy Days

To my son Tommy,

Well a couple rain clouds have come today and threaten to stay the rest of our vacation.  News like this is somewhat depressing, if you let it be.  But once again we should refuse to give the power of our emotions to outside influence.  Sure it is easier to have fun at the beach when it isn't raining on us, but with a little creativity and a pleasant outlook, we can still have a great time.  You are surrounded by cousins and with them comes endless opportunities for fun.  Family can beat bad weather any old day.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Discipline

To my son Tommy,

The promises of riches abound in the sin city we call Atlantic City.  The next spin, the next card, the next roll of the dice can make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.  Last night your mom and I headed up for our chances at these quick and easy riches.  Your mom didn't do too bad and would have done much better if I was not on such a losing streak.  She stayed around to keep trying to dig us out and thus I stayed around and kept losing.  Vicious circle.

But there was a point last night where I was tempted to hit the ATM.  In the past this would have been a no brainier and I would have convinced myself that I could win myself back to even with a little more of a stake.  I must be growing up.  Instead of feeding my losing streak, instead of making a bad night at the tables worse, instead of towing above the initial agreed upon limits, I just said no.  It might sound basic but it is actually a big step.  It shows a discipline never exhibited before when it comes to gambling.

Remember if you can avoid the gambling bug by all means do.  If, however, you have your father's addictive personality and do gamble, remember this advice.  Bet what you can afford to lose and stick to a strict limit and no matter what anyone says....there is no sure thing.   That is why the casinos exist and do very well financially.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Thoughtful

To my son Tommy,

Your cousin Gabe ended up with a war wound from the beach the other day.  He was down washing his hands off in the water and he ran through a game of horseshoes and took one to the eye.  It was an obvious accident but there are some major issues.

Ask any of the older people and they will tell you, "You don't set up and play by the water" and they consider this basic and common knowledge.  Too many people, too many kids, and too many dangers.  No, in the older days you set up for the games much further up the beach no matter how hot the sand was or how far you had to march from your seats to the play area.  But these guys obviously didn't care about anyone but themselves and used no thought in how their actions could effect others.

If we disregard their initial disregard, we still have their actions after.  If I threw something and winged anyone, especially a child, I would go over and check on them.  These guys didn't bother making sure Gabe was okay.  You would think a "Oh my! Are you okay?" is the minimum reaction required.  Nope, they just played on.  Being a hurt child, you should check on them immediately and then you follow along or find their parents to explain what happened.  You spend the extra effort to make sure they are okay, they don't need medical attention, and that their parents are completely aware.  Gabe was bleeding and the wound was pretty darn close to his eye.

Finally, when they were approached by your Uncle Jack, though they seemed a bit sorry, they never really apologized.  They just stuck with their dismissive attitude and only showed a little remorse probably to avoid being pounded into the sand.

I would say that this is sad and rare but it seems to be the norm nowadays and par for the course.  Promise me as you grow, that you will consider your actions, you will remain mindful and thoughtful of others with everything you do.  Take the time to think things through before you set up.  If you do miss something and an accident happens, as they have been known to, then make sure you take responsibility and show your remorse in your actions by following up and not just with empty words.  And finally don't keep playing the game in the same place, risking more injury.  I hope with your generation we can reverse this trend of thoughtlessness that seems to permeate today's culture.  This was just a game of horseshoes on the beach but it seems to be a metaphor for many aspects of our society.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Monday, August 5, 2013

Sleeping Child



To my son Tommy,

The innocence and serenity of a child sleeping remains unsurpassed.  Ocean waves and snuggling puppies are the closest thing but still pale in comparison.  Here you are after a day of beach and rides, sleeping in with your new penguin.  When you become a father, I suggest sneaking into my son's room often to get a daily dose of this type of scene before you head out for the day.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Big Swings

To my son Tommy,

You had to be accompanied by your daddy, but you got on the big swings at Castaway cove.  There was screaming and crying and trembling, but you kept holding my hand and calming me down. Actually, we both did okay and it was probably the climax of the Daddy-Tommy ride night.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Saturday, August 3, 2013

One Week Down

To my son Tommy,

One week of vacation down and another to go.  Today was the first day I felt like I might be starting a vacation from work.  Last week I probably worked about twenty or more hours remotely.  We had a closing day, which always gives more work and of course this month seemed to be especially problematic.  Then the rest of the week I fielded questions, often trying to explain to people I am on vacation.  Evidently that doesn't make any difference and the questions or problems that can wait or be directed to other people or solved on their own, still keep coming at me.  I just finally refused continuing answering these, and am trying to not make it personal by returning the favor when they go on vacation.  But thank goodness for two weeks of vacation because anything less would not let me unwind and would not let me give you my full attention.

Sincerely with love from yr dad,
Leo

Friday, August 2, 2013

Reflections On Kylie

To my son Tommy,

On this vacation yesterday, your cousin Emma lost her pet hamster Kylie.  Kylie had a stroke or something and the vet had to put her down.  We are very sorry for Emma's loss and you gave her a nice big hug to help her grieve.

As an adult, I understand the circle of life.  I understand that pets come and go.  I understand that their passing is supposed to teach us about the circle and teach us how to grieve and somewhat (but never enough) prepare us for the loss of our other loved ones later in life.  But this knowledge and understanding doesn't make death suck any less.  Dealing with loss and grief is difficult and, unfortunately, just something we have to do.  To deal, you just give a big hug, maybe share a tear or two, and open your heart to those who grieve and those who have lost.  It doesn't matter the size of the loss, even if it is something small like a beloved pet hamster, because the hurt is very real and can only be gotten through with love.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Double Standard



To my son Tommy,

I wonder, as you sit there bogarting your iPad on a rainy day at the beach, if you will resent what seems to be an obvious double standard in my fathering.  This injustice comes with sharing items.  If you are playing with one of your cousin's toys and they want it back, I make you give it back no questions asked.  It doesn't matter who had it first or why the other wants it back, you are directed to return the item.  This would be fine if, when your cousins played with your toys and you wanted them back, I enforced the same standard.  But in what must be a confusing mixed signal, I make you share, no questions asked.

What I hope happens is some day you will realize it isn't about the objects, nor about the "justice" of a situation.  No, those avenues lead down bad paths.  Too often the only reason we want an item back is because someone else seems to be having too much fun with our things, more fun than we ever did.  It can be petty.  What is more important is the love and generosity of your spirit to your family and friends.  If this means you have to sacrifice playing with a toy to make one of your cousins happy, then so be it.  This is the avenue, when translated into more adult things, that will lead you to true joy.  You won't value material items and you won't head down the trick of false justice which is defined when you compare what you have with others and get upset when someone else has more or has it easier.  You will end up valuing love, service, generosity, compassion, and other truly admirable qualities.  This is, of course, if you don't end up resenting me because it may seem as if you never win.  But really, both you and the world will win in the long run because another person might end up redefining what winning in life means.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo