Take Your Shots

 

To my son Tommy,

“Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity To seize everything you ever wanted, in one moment Would you capture it, or just let it slip?” We hear this line from the song “Lose Yourself” by Eminem right before every basketball game. It has become our pre-game ritual.

You had two games today, and the morning game saw you with four or five shots. Not a single one went in. Every parent for our team leaned and squirmed and tried to will the ball off the rim and into the basket every shot you had. You were close, but no two. But that is okay with me. Keep taking the shots. They will fall in place eventually. 

More importantly, your basketball game has improved greatly this year, and not just ball handling, defense, and taking shots. You have learned to be a team player. You have learned to give it your all. You have learned that every action counts and can help your team even when it is away from the ball or even on the bench. You have gained a bit more poise and a bunch more confidence on the court, and off. You have learned that these lessons from team sports translate to all aspects of your life. You can go this entire season without ever making a bucket, and I will still be amazingly proud of you and your growth.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Doing Undone Chores

 

To my son Tommy,

This morning, I emptied your lunch box, yet again. By my count, that is the twenty second time I did it this year without raising a stink with you. You probably won’t even realize it. Mind you, I am taking this actual year and not the school year. So, we are talking about maybe forty school days.

I often remind myself that I was once an inconsiderate teenage boy. I often remind myself that your grandfather had to do similar acts of kindness to save his ornery son from himself. But your grandfather was a more patient father than I am, because I sometimes lose my shit when one of the few tasks and chores assigned to you is constantly left undone.

You don’t have many chores, and the ones you do have are really for you. You don’t really have any initiative to do other tasks or chores that aren’t specifically assigned to you. In fact, you have the ability to step over or around anything in your way instead of picking it up. I talk to other parents and some relay similar stories about their teen, while others lie.

Still, no matter what you do or don’t do, no matter if you realize or don’t realize how much I help you out by silently doing your tasks, I still love you. But one day, when you are lucky enough to be a father, I hope you run in to this frustrating problem with your kid. By the way, you didn’t hang up your book bag or jacket again today and added a new twist spreading books and papers on top of the washer. Sigh.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Maintenance

 

To my daughter Rosie,

Today you get special billing because you were the first child to greet me this morning. I was sleeping on the couch in the upstairs living room (been there for awhile because your Grandma Ro flooded the house, but that is a story for another time) and your mother had taken Tommy to school for me. You sauntered out with sleep in your eyes, looked at me, smiled, and without asking, nestled in to my chest. Right before you faded off again, you said, “I love you daddy.” As we were snuggled in, Zoe jumped on top to make it a dog pile and get in on some of this loving action. I thought, “if this is what your mommy gets every day, then I am so jealous!” I just soaked up the love.

I needed that. It had been a shitty night, and a shitty morning, quite literally. I have a colonoscopy today and was doing the prep thing. Unfortunately our snuggle session only lasted about fifteen minutes before the Sutab pills forced me to move.

I have been doing more doctor visits lately, and surprisingly they are actually for me. Nothing is specifically wrong, but I have decided to be more into my own health and maintenance, a little bit of self care. 

For too long I haven’t had time to worry about me or my medical, as I have always put myself last. It was just an extra chore on an already super stressful and busy life. If you ever fly in a plane, and you listen carefully to the instructions that increase (from nil to probably two points above nil) your survival rate if a catastrophe occurs while in flight, you will hear, “Put your oxygen mask on first, then assist others.” Well that is what I am doing now. Instead of running around like a madman worrying about everything else and hoping I don’t run out of air, I am putting my oxygen mask on first.

Of course one hurdle I had to get over in my mind was letting perfection be the enemy of progress. Too often in my life, I have looked at my health and figured I was so far gone … so why bother. I had a ride till I die attitude about life. 

One thing I have learned in other aspects of life is just because you can’t do everything doesn’t give you the right to do nothing. Every little bit helps. Listen, I am not perfect and definitely not the best picture of health, but I am trying. I have a bunch of things to work out, but for now I have started by regularly going to the doctors and following doctors’ orders. I keep a constant eye on my skin and regular visits with my dermatologist make sure the skin cancer spots aren’t coming back. I am weighing in about 40 pounds lighter than my 5 year high today, though I won’t elaborate on how I lost the last five pounds in a day. Still fat, but it is a start. My A1C is under 7 and my blood pressure is normalizing, from extreme, down to slightly elevated. I eat a few more salads for lunch in a week and park a little farther away so I have to walk a bit more. All just a drop in the bucket, but a single drip can create a mighty canyon given time and consistency.

Why? Why now? Well the why is easy, because I love you guys and want to stick around for a few more years and see how everything turns out. The why now question is answered by my philosophy of it is never too late to do anything. As for the question it begs, why not before? Well for that I can only ask for forgiveness and pray that my youthful ways did not shorten my life too much.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Precarious

 

To my son Tommy and my daughters Illee and Rosie,

 

I wish I could always talk about funny on goings in the family or small life lessons learned or basically keep to the lighter stuff. I would, however, be remiss to not share accounts of the events throughout the greater world, especially when they have such potential for catastrophe. Maybe one day you will read this and realize why mommy and daddy kept putting on the news to the distress and outcry from the girls who seemingly cannot survive without another episode of “Butterbean’s Café” and how they foil Ms. Marmalade.

 

The world once again stands in a precarious situation. Conflict has never left the world for any significant time, but there is no doubt the current situation in Europe rises well above the level of "conflict" and can be called war. This is an all-out war, a war that can continue to escalate and have wide and dire consequences for everyone in the world. You see Russia has invaded the Ukraine. Russia is a superpower with nuclear capabilities and has even hinted that it is not above putting the world into a nuclear winter should anyone interfere. 

 

Now unlike most people on the internet these days, I do not pretend to be an accomplished geo political analyst. However, it doesn't take a professional to know some serious crap is going down. It also doesn't take an expert to realize that Russia under their leader Vladimir Putin is the aggressor, the invader, the villain here. That much seems obvious to me, but alas some others in the world, and even a few others in our own country, will argue this point. The world we live in is fraught with misinformation, disinformation, and pure bad judgement bolstered by ego and ignorance and political vitriol. To say I am concerned and disheartened would be an understatement.

 

There are flashes of hope. There are stories of valor. There are moments that briefly restore faith in humanity, but these moment are interspersed among death and desolation and violence that almost immediately blankets what little optimism that shines through with a shroud of despair.

 

This is the state of the world. It can wear you down greatly. Though this current war seems more dire than many conflicts of the past, I do not foresee a world where such events never happen. As your Grandpa Leo, a keen student of history, would often remind me, "It has happened before, it is happening now, it will happen again. The only thing we can do is study history, and learn from the past mistakes, and commit ourselves to not repeat such mistakes, and pray that one day mankind will let love into their hearts and abandon such violent folly."

 

I remember those words well. When he told me it was April 1986 and I was 11 years old and the U.S. had just bombed Libya in retaliation for a bombing of West Berlin discotheque which injured or killed a bunch of people including many U.S. military personnel. It was easily the biggest and scariest thing that I was aware of in my short life. We were stationed in Italy at the time. Libya was a relatively quick hop south over the Mediterranean, and, because Libya used to be an Italian colony, many Libyans also spoke Italian and enjoyed a liberal visa policy with Italy. Consequently over the next few months that followed, I learned how to check the underside of the family car with a mirror for bombs. I learned why one should vary their travel routes and why my dad would sometimes U-turn without warning and take a new path. I learned Army tactics for defending a military base with barricades and sniper positioning. I learned how to scan the horizon for threats. I saw some pretty crazy stuff. Fairly scary experience for an 11 year old me. I thought this would be the worst thing I would see in my life. Unfortunately, I was wrong. During my life there have been so many catastrophes and atrocities, all seemingly trying to outdo the last with their level of shock and devastation.

 

So we watch the current war in Ukraine with worry and anxiety. We watch the pundits on the tele saying "we should do this" and "we shouldn't do that" and "this will happen" and "doing this would be better" and other such flag waving or fear mongering or armchair quarterbacking. We wonder if our country is doing enough to help. We pray for those in harm's way. We wish the world would unite and stand for the supremacy of good over evil. We watch for those moments of hope and mercy and valor to help us not fall in despair. If I find myself losing all faith, I simply grab one of you and hug just a little bit tighter. Thank you for being my grounding rod and my comfort blanket.

 

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Inclusivity

 

To my son Tommy and his twin sisters,

 

Tommy, your mother pointed out that I should not leave out your twin sisters. Perhaps the address of each letter will change slightly here and there. A more targeted address, like "to my lovely children," or "to the banes of my current existence," or just each individually or just to the twins occasionally, will be used.

 

Ladies, for now, if I slip back into my usual address that is dedicated to just Tommy, I ask forgiveness. Tommy was here first. He inspired me to write these letters. In no way were the 865 previous letters designed to leave you out. In no way is anything I wrote not meant for your eyes and ears and hearts and minds. I will include you, and your love, and your shenanigans, and the life lessons you teach me and your mom, in these letters as well.

There is a fine line for parents to walk when dealing with multiple children. No matter how much we say how much we love you all, opportunities are ripe for children to feel a sense of favoritism or injustice. Each of you are unique (even the twins) with your own personality and wants and needs. We try to interact and nourish and love each of you accordingly. We don’t necessarily love you in the same way, equally, because each of you differ in what love you need. But we love you equitably and we try to show and grow our love as a family unit. 

From time to time, you may look with envy at what the other gets and have a short memory of what you have received. Remember, the only time we need to compare, to look in your neighbor’s bowl, is to make sure they have enough, not to make sure you have as much as them. (That last reworded thought is attributed to a comedian named Louis CK and alas not my own but still stands true)

 

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Once More Unto The Breach

 To my son Tommy,

 

It has been a long time coming since I started a letter with those words. It is not because I lost interest in writing to you these stories and life lessons. It is not because the lack of events or ongoings of our world or the greater world around us. (For there are so many things that have happened ranging from pandemics to personal family health issues to just amazing moments of watching you grow into a fine young man.) Nor is it because I stopped writing, though I just haven't put pen to paper or finger to keyboard to digital imprint. No. For the past years, I often would write in my mind; I would find the perfect sentence, the perfect topic, the perfect lesson, and would write the whole thing in my brain as I would drive, or sit, or find a moment to daydream away at work. Alas, those near perfect words (as my mind saw them at the time) are gone, shuffled away or filed without context like a lost post-it note or scrap piece of paper thrown into the junk drawer of my sentient file cabinet.

 

The real reason I stopped writing is this blog became a chore. The tremendous amount of joy it brought to me imagining you reading these words in your future life was overcome by the amount of work and tasks and overwhelming issues of the present. I had to pare down and eliminate all those excess things in life, and unfortunately writing made the chopping block. I probably should have found other things to drop from my life, but, when you are beset with just the challenges of living and surviving from day to day, you do what you have to do.

 

But one thing I learned from your Grandpa Leo: It is never too late to start again. And so I will try. The words and the feelings and most importantly the love for you are there. They never really left. Perhaps now I will find the time, and make the time, to illuminate and enlighten through this blog once again. Maybe illuminate and enlighten is overreaching, but at the least I will write to you and you can later separate the few pearls of wisdom from the piles of Irish bullshit I put forward.

 

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Why, dad, why?

To my son Tommy,

The picture to lead off this post is a picture your Great Uncle Sean posted about 4 days ago. It is a double rainbow in West Virginia where he is staying to care for your Great Great Aunt Sheila Melzac, nee Downey. The rainbow is said to have been shown to Noah after the flood. The rainbow is a symbol of a promise from God that he will see us through storm.

Last night, around 10:30 pm on March 6th 2020, we got word from Uncle Sean that Aunt She had passed away. She had been struggling the past couple weeks and was on hospice care for the last week. She had the blessing of her nephew coming up from Louisiana to stay and help tend to her as she carried her cross to her final destination.

You had already gone to sleep, so I was struggling with when to tell you. Do I wake you? Do I tell you in the morning? Do I wait till after your basketball game? But you got up about 30 minutes after I got word, complaining of a bit of a stomach ache from all the ravioli you ate. I have always been straight and direct with you and I constantly preach to you that is how you handle a situation, so I told you then. You slept in my bed for the night, with a couple tears in your eye and whimper in your breath.

You asked me last night, "Why, Dad? Why do people have to die? Aunt Sheila was a good person. We all loved her so. Why?"

The technical reason was she was old. If I have my dates right she would have been celebrating her 90th birthday this November 4th. Her cancer and the treatment that lead to its remission took its toll on an old body. I don't know if it had came back anywhere in her, and I am not sure the powers that be in the medical world will even bother to look. Doesn't make much difference. Her bones had become brittle in the last three months and she was in much pain with her spine.

The deep true answer is that everyone dies. It is the whole plan, an integral an inevitable part of the system of life. From the day we are born, we begin getting one day closer to our death. Downeys have always been keenly aware of this and even embraced this as a fact dealing with it mostly through our faith. Neither answer does anything to heal the hurt and grief and sometimes even anger and guilt inside when we lose a loved one. My solace can be found somewhere in this prayer.

Lord Jesus, our Redeemer,
You willingly gave Yourself up to death so that all people might be saved and pass from death into a new life.
Listen to our prayers; look with love on Your people who mourn and pray for Sheila.
Lord Jesus, You alone are holy and compassionate; forgive Sheila her sins.
By dying You opened the gates of life for those who believe in You; do not let Sheila be parted from You, but by Your glorious power give her light, joy, and peace in heaven where You live for ever and ever.
Amen. 

I explained to you that life on this Earth is not the ultimate destination but just a stop along the way. We talked about our family trips and how we stop to get out of the car, stretch our legs, and grab a bite to eat. Then we continue on to the ocean to meet our family and loved ones who got there before us and await those that got a later start.

It has been a rough five or six years in the Downey family. We lost your Great Great Aunt Jule in February 2015. We lost your Great Grandpa Leo in March 2015. We lost your Grandpa Leo in March of 2017. We lost your Great Grandma Jeanne in Aug of 2017. We lost your Great Aunt Debbie in May of 2018. We lost your second cousin Lucy in June of 2018. This lists gets amazing large if we extend the years or to our other sides of our family and their extensions. I am not even sure this list includes everyone for the Downeys in the past half a decade. You have seen and grieved the passing for many.

Yet still we march on and celebrate the circle of life, welcoming new additions like your baby twin sisters and your second cousin Violet. Just like the rainbow your Great Uncle Sean posted, it is a promise in our future and a symbol of God's love for us even as we carry on with the sorrow for the loss of those we loved before and continue to love. Remember, they are always in our memories and our hearts and in our souls, and, if we calm ourselves enough, we can feel their presence in the room with us as they watch over. Rest in the peace of Christ, Sheila Theresa Melzac nee Downey.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo