When The Going Gets Tough

To my son Tommy,

It occurred to me that it might seem odd to you that I was talking about volunteering while everything medical is going on with your mom.  Let me be clear, your mother's health takes precedence over any volunteer work.  Your mother's health takes precedence over my job even.  Though my first priorities have changed, in times of struggle, you don't stop doing, especially good things, if you are capable.

You don't stop taking care of yourself  because of hard times.  You don't stop taking care of your home and family because of adversity.  You don't stop paying bills if you can afford.  You don't stop working if you can avoid it.  You don't have to limit your activities to mere survival.  You can still go to church.  You can still volunteer.  You can still recycle.  You can still enjoy a stroll.  You can still laugh without feeling guilty.

Life is struggle.  If we shutdown every time struggle came at us, nothing ever in this world would be accomplished.  The key here is prioritizing.  Perhaps that load of laundry can wait till later.  Perhaps you can give yourself an extra week with the sheets on the bed for a slight break.  Your head is probably swimming and it might not know if you are coming or going.  So you have to rely on your heart and your gut.

There are certain times in your life when it is okay to let everything else shutdown.  You will feel it in your heart when those moments come.  Deep inside you will know if you should be there by the side of their hospital bed at all times rather than volunteering at a soup kitchen or something.  If death strikes a family, all the other goings on in the world take a back seat as you flock to the comfort your family and friends and lean on those same people for your own comfort.  Perhaps later you can continue the rest of the stuff but at that point you just need to grieve and be there for each other.

It really is a balancing act where there seem to be no universal right answer.  There will be times where your clouded head will somehow override the choice by your pure heart and you end up with the wrong answer.  Often we realize that with hindsight from a clearer mind.  Other times we have to be told by someone else that it is time to go back to what really matters and leave the rest for later.  Last night, for me, that someone else was your Bwama and as I was using my volunteerism for escapism and was ready to go on to the fifth computer, she pointed out that the computers will be here tomorrow and the next day and it was time to get home to my wife.  It is a tricky balancing act that everyone is bound to screw up in one form or another, but, God willing, we will get it right more often than we will get it wrong.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Sucky Dates

To my son Tommy,

I looked over at your mom yesterday as we left the emergency room for the 3rd time in about a week and said, "We got to work on our date nights...they suck."

She laughed a much needed laugh and added, "I know.  The $100 copay doesn't even get us dinner."

We were tired and beat and frustrated and worried and feeling every other emotion that goes with dealing with doctors and emergency rooms and health issues and such, but here we were joking about it.  A joke won't lessen the gravity of a situation, but it made us chuckle.  A good laugh can be just the thing.  Your mom and I continued joking suggesting that we should bring candles and some of your play dishes and use the hospital gown as a table cloth over the bed pan and put out her medicines on each dish like a five course candlelight dinner.

Remember son, sometimes when you just can't complain or cry about it any more, you might as well laugh about it.  Make me a promise after you read this, when I am on my death bed (hopefully many many many years from now) and everyone is so somber and gloomy, go out and get me a whoopee cushion or pair of those funky glasses with the big nose and bushy eyebrows and mustache.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Sickness

To my son Tommy,

You came home Monday from school with a fever.  The doctor says it is just a cold and you should be fine in a couple days or a week at most.  We kept you home the last couple days.  Your fever broke that day but you have had little to no appetite and even water can upset your tummy.  Yesterday and the day before we only managed to get about six bites of food in you.  You are showing signs of life today, and your appetite is starting to return, but you aren't going back to school tomorrow either.

A sick child, to everyone else in the world, is no big deal, but to a parent it is totally different.  Kids get sick, it happens, but when it is your kid...  I know we shouldn't worry and you will recover but what I know and what we do are not in alignment.  Our world nearly stops with worry for you.  It is as if we hold our breath until you are well again and then we can finally breathe.  You might not see it because we don't want to fawn or fuss over you so much that you enjoy being sick, but we really want to grab you up in our arms and snuggle the illness out of you.  Here is hoping you get back to your normal healthy precocious self as soon as possible.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo