Secret To Marriage: Loving Touch

To my son Tommy,

One of the great things about having your mom out of the hospital is being able to reach out in bed and touch her.  No not that way your thinking, you little perv (I call you that with an odd sense of pride assuming you read this at a much older age).  She did just have surgery, after all, so even cuddling is limited and dangerous.  I am talking about something much more intimate, anyways.

Reaching out and being able to hold her hand; that chance moment where our legs intertwine and linger for a brief moment; a hand on the shoulder met with a contented sigh; all lead to that moment of deep connection.  You realize you are not alone in life on a level that far exceeds the physical.  It truly reminds me that even the smallest gestures, the most chance encounters, the slightest engagements, can mean so much in life and love. If you can learn to master that loving touch that creates those small precious and deep moments, then you will have learned another secret to marriage and to life.  I hope that someday you too can find that someone that even just slipping your hand through the two blankets only to grab her pinky finger with yours can excite your soul on such an amazing level.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Night Before

To my son Tommy,

Oh what a difference a decade makes.  Today is the eve of the Thanksgiving holiday.  It is also, unbeknownst to most, one the busiest bar nights of the year.  Forget New Years Eve or any of the well publicized amateur nights, this night beats them all.  I don't know if it is simply having a hump day holiday coinciding with a lull between prep work or if it is necessary medicine to deal with the impending onslaught of family, but many booze it up on this particular Wednesday every year.  Consequently, ten years ago I would have been tending bar or boozing, but most likely working as tips hit higher levels with that special sense of holiday cheer.

Today, I am at work, finishing end of the month closing, and itching to bet the weather home.  I no longer look forward to the festivities of "Turkey Eve" or at least not the usual festivities of my youth.  I just want to rush home to be with your mom and you and begin my retreat into my contemplative state of thankfulness just a tad bit earlier.  Now if the AP department will finish up...I am all set to head home for some snuggles as we work out the plan for our family obligations tomorrow.  Whatever plan we come up with, be it big family or small, be it big meal opportunities or just some turkey broth with your mommy and us, I look forward to spending an entire day filled with love.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Hold Your Hand

To my son Tommy,

Last night, as we went up to bed, you asked your mom if she would come up and sing.  Since all the medical stuff with your mom, since she has been home, we usually have been doing our singing downstairs and then you and I head up to get you in bed.  It is not quite back to normal but better than having to sing over the phone or facetime with your mom in the hospital.  Lately, however, your mom has been braving the steps and been feeling a bit stronger.  So when you asked her last night, she agreed.  Then you added what could be one of the most heartfelt darn near cutest thing a kid can say, "Don't worry mommy.  I will hold your hand so you won't fall as you go up the steps."  Tommy my boy, you are such an uplifting pure innocent force in all of our lives.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

The Big Pill Box

To my son Tommy,

Today I saw marriage through so many eyes and perspectives.

It started with Mass today where a couple renewed their vows and received a blessing from the priest on their 50th anniversary.  What a great testimony!  Add to that being able to look down the row and see my parents and your mommy's parents sitting right there together.  Great examples of marriage surrounded me and you would think I would get the idea through my thick head right away.  Not a chance.

The day continued with me and your mother working on our communication and marriage skills.  If you fail to do something successfully, does that count as working on it?  I think so, if you learn from the experience.  Your mother was feeling frustrated with not being able to help with some tasks we needed to get done.  And her good intentions to try to assist were making me feel micro managed and a bit unappreciated.  After all I had accomplished most everything I had to for the past week or so and you somehow survived.  With a little soul searching and a big reminder from your Grandpa Leo that this is what marriage is all about, I realized I was being selfish and stupid.  Your Grandpa Leo also reminded me that most marriage disputes end with the man realizing this, or they never end.  You can either be right or married.

Later, after the chores were done, we as a family hit a couple drugstores to get the rest of your mom's script and find the perfect pill box to make it easy for your mom to take her medicines properly.  As your mom said, she needed a box you could play monopoly with.  Nothing says love like perusing the medical aid device sections of pharmacies.  Though men logic would have just made your mom make do with a smaller version of the pill box and eliminate the extra store, I had learned a few things since this morning.  Our quest for the large pillbox now meant much more than an extra trip to another store.

Then I came home and decided to peruse the social media outlets online.  A well respected friend of mine posted a line saying that "Marriage isn't for me either" with a link to a blog.  At first it worried me but then I read the blog post associated with the shared link.  I was greeted with a well written post that was summed up nicely in the last sentence which read, "Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others."

Some would say it is coincidence, some would say I am just inferring meaning from random generalizations (like reading a horoscope or fortune cookie) but it sure seems to me Someone out there is trying to get the message through to me.  Life is not about self; Love is not about self.  The faster you realize that, the better off you will be.  And even if you had realized it before, sometimes we can always use a reminder.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Mass And Family

To my son Tommy,

I have often used these letters to express the import of family.  I also use these letters to express the importance of religion and attending Mass.  Our family often, rightfully so, combines these two.  Today we attended Mass knowing your mom's cousin, Uncle Ben to you, was attending. He will soon be deployed in harm's way.  We offered (and will continue to offer) our concerns and well wishes and our prayers.

Even though today was a more somber prayer for safety, we must remember it is a gift and a joy to attend Mass with the family, to lean on one another and to pray together.  That gift and joy was raised exponentially because your mother joined us at Mass today.  Though she started getting a bit weak by the end, most likely due to some of her recent medications, it was such a pleasure to reach over and hold your mom's hand as we prayed.  Of course, after your own initial excitement of mommy coming to church, it was business as usual for you as you headed down to the other end of the pew towards your Great Aunt Lulu to get the requisite proper amount of separation and freedom from your parents and play with your friend one pew back.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Speak Volumes With A Hug

To my son Tommy,

Yesterday, I wrote to you about a hug.  Within that hug lies a meaning that could fill tome after tome with words of love.  In a two minute hug, I can convey to you what would take me years to express and do justice to through these letters.  Moments like that make life worth living.

Today, I write to you about five years of hugs that started on 17 October 2008.  Five years of moments shared between loved ones, each one affirming and saying "I do" over and over again.  I am still as madly in love with your mother as the day we exchanged our vows.

As you grow in this world, which seems to be turning from personal contact in favor of online interaction, remember that words and pixels are seldom enough.  You need those little actions that speak volumes about the love you are given and the love you have to give.  You need those knowing glances, those stolen kisses, those soft loving touches, those hand-holding moments, those compassionate sincere smiles, those full of life laughs, and those great big bear hugs.  No digital advance can transfer so much information so quickly as a hug.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Talking Without Words

To my son Tommy,

I called you over today saying I needed to tell you something.  You came over, somewhat reluctantly, from the other couch.   As soon as you got close I grabbed you and snatched you up and hugged you tight. At first you hugged back but after about two minutes of our bear hug you asked if I was going to to tell you anything.  I told you I was talking without words and asked you what you thought I was saying.  Your answer was more of a question, "You love me?"  You, my son, are clever and wise way beyond your years.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Sucky Dates

To my son Tommy,

I looked over at your mom yesterday as we left the emergency room for the 3rd time in about a week and said, "We got to work on our date nights...they suck."

She laughed a much needed laugh and added, "I know.  The $100 copay doesn't even get us dinner."

We were tired and beat and frustrated and worried and feeling every other emotion that goes with dealing with doctors and emergency rooms and health issues and such, but here we were joking about it.  A joke won't lessen the gravity of a situation, but it made us chuckle.  A good laugh can be just the thing.  Your mom and I continued joking suggesting that we should bring candles and some of your play dishes and use the hospital gown as a table cloth over the bed pan and put out her medicines on each dish like a five course candlelight dinner.

Remember son, sometimes when you just can't complain or cry about it any more, you might as well laugh about it.  Make me a promise after you read this, when I am on my death bed (hopefully many many many years from now) and everyone is so somber and gloomy, go out and get me a whoopee cushion or pair of those funky glasses with the big nose and bushy eyebrows and mustache.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Moments

To my son Tommy,

What a tiring week.  The whole house is just about beat and ready for a break.  This gloomy weather doesn't help.  But even as exhausting as everything has been, we have found a few moments.  You had your snuggles with your mom to make her feel better when she was home and you had your precious phone calls when she was in the hospital.  You and I perfected our routine getting ready for school even finding time to work on a silly dance that is all our own.  We had fun on your new playset when we could and even escaped to the library this morning.  Yeah things were tough this week, there is no denying that.  But those few precious moments, those brief glimpses of pure love, that is what keeps us going.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

The Most Important Things

To my son Tommy,

Every day of our lives, we tend to put importance on so many things.  We focus in on what we have to do and what we should do and what we can't do, and in the process we miss the more important things in life.  When something big comes around and makes us focus less on the mundane we should remember these three important things.

• You are alive.
• I guess this is the most important thing.  No matter how bad things seem, your life is still a treasured gift that you should cherish.  All other possibilities start from here.
• You are loved.
• Look around you and you will see love.  Even in the direst situations, even when it seems too dark to see, love is there.  You'll find it in your family and your friends and, of course, God.  There are times when you will feel alone and that you have been abandoned by God and your loved ones, but the love is still there.  Often when you feel that way, you will come to realize that you didn't want to see the love or feel the love or accept it.  Open your heart and love will come to you simply because you are alive.
• You can change.
• There is always a new day dawning with a new beginning.  Simply by being alive, you have the opportunity to seek forgiveness, to seek love, to seek a better life.  You can scrap everything and start over if you need to.  Even those things you have been trying to do, trying to change unsuccessfully, each day gives you an opportunity to whittle away at the problem until one day you will triumph.  Some times things happen that might seem out of your control, but something truly unchangeable is rare and you still retain the power to change how you will deal with it.  You have all this power to change things simply because you are alive.

With these three thoughts in your mind, there isn't anything that we can't figure out.  Armed with this perspective we can attack even the scariest problems in our lives.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Empty

To my son Tommy,

After I picked you up from school and fed you some fries, you and I played on your swing set for a couple hours.  You kept asking if your cousin Ryan can come down but she is in North Carolina with her parents for a wedding.  But your old man tried his hardest to make it fun for you.  We threw an oversized frisbee around and kicked and tossed your inflatable penguin beach ball you got from your Innisbrook sales.  I pushed you on your swings and watched you on the slides (which I likened to the economy with the current government) and we even ran around a bit and played tag.  We need to work on getting you some more friends who we can call to come over and play.  Not only to make it more fun for you, but to save your dad's old joints and bones.

We went inside, bathed, and did your homework.  You weren't satisfied with the little bit of homework you had, so you had me print out more letters to trace.  As I was sitting there watching you and helping you, an overwhelming feeling of emptiness consumed me.  Even after just a couple days of her not being home, your mom's presence is sorely missed.  She makes the house feel so full with just her presence.  Without her there, I felt empty.  Worry about your mom's condition and hospital stay started to consume me.  To keep my mind off things I started cleaning.

Cleaning was a bad idea.  I was going through the pile of papers on the table, I found a bunch of stuff that needs to be addressed.  Normally your mom would handle all this in her own way.  She has the knack for keeping things scheduled in her head and making sure everything is done at the last minute.  I prefer to do everything right away because if I put it off, for even an hour, chances are it will never be done.  It is just a difference in approaches and neither is really better if the job gets done and the person doing it keeps their sanity.  Unfortunately in my state of mind, filled with emptiness and uncertainty and sorrow and worry, I started focusing on the difference with anger.  I wasn't really angry at your mom nor angry at turning in a permission slip a day late nor figuring out which of the bills are due now.  Really I was just worried and going through the natural progression of emotions usually associated with loss or grief.  It is odd how just a couple days away from the love of my life and the whole uncertainty of things can trigger the same five stages usually reserved for the more permanent loss of a loved one.  It really put another spotlight on how your mom is such a vital part of me and my life.  Not sure why this time it is hitting me so emotionally, but it is what it is.  Of course as I realized what I was doing, I forced myself to snap out of it.

Your mom's cousin Aunt Keri brought over some food for us.  A spaghetti pie and some garlic bread and some cookies with little ghosts on them.  A welcomed and delicious help.  We had to make you some plain pasta though because I couldn't entice you enough to try it yourself.  I did get a bite of a cookie in you but you went kicking and screaming on that one.  Though after you had the bite, you said you might try those again tomorrow.  We called mommy so you could say goodnight.  We brushed your teeth and you chased me up the stairs for bedtime.  Songs and prayers and then I went downstairs. I did the dishes and silently yelled at myself for missing the recycling yesterday (again that anger but this time at myself) and I straightened more of the living room.

The lesson here is emotions are a tricky thing.  They deceive you.  They replace valid worry with anger because it is easier to be mad than to be sad.  You have to deal with these emotions all your life and the more you learn about your own emotions and the root cause of them, the easier it will be to not let these emotions overtake you.  It is okay to have these emotions but don't let them get the better of you.  People might not see that call complaining about an overdue permission slip found on the table as your way of coping.  And by people, I mean your mom.  If you ever do find yourself getting out of control, stop, take a deep breath, say a prayer, and beg forgiveness for anyone who was an innocent casualty.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

The Bond

To my son Tommy,

I often read parenting articles on the web.  I read and ponder the often abstract and theoretical advice and though I believe many of these articles were written by non-parents, I still give them their due consideration.  Occasionally one strikes a chord.

Recently one article suggested that ninety percent of being a parent is the bond and ten percent is leading and teaching.  This article was singing the praises of horseplay and the bio chemical response and how you should set aside ten minutes a day to roughhouse with you kid.  The actual science of it was quite interesting but it was in the simple suggestion that parenting is mostly about the bond that got me thinking.

If I just set out a bunch of rules for you, if I just lead without developing and maintaining a close relationship with you, chances are we would both fail.  The time just spent together, the time spent cuddling or rough housing or talking, the time spent on love is the foundation that allows you to raise a good father and me to raise a good son.

There are examples of this throughout the world.  Unfortunately, the easiest way to see this is in failed relationships.  Find a divorcee and ask them why they got divorced.  You will find many who had a partner who was great on the books.  They had a job, they weren't a drunk or an addict, they were faithful, they were hard working, they didn't abuse, they didn't forget birthdays or holidays, and in fact they qualify as an all around decent guy but yet here they are divorced.  The divorcee will often point to being in the same room yet so far away.  They didn't have the foundation of love.  The consequences are obvious.

You can see examples of this throughout your life.  People base relationships on other things than love, be it their relationship with friends, or with family, or with their significant others, or with their children, or even the relationship with God.  They base it on the rules, or material gains, or hedonistic pleasure, or temporal feelings.  If they instead focused on the bond, growing and strengthening the love, it might not make the other ten percent any easier but it sure will make it worthwhile.  It will also make forgiveness much easier to give and to accept.  I promise you that everyday I will work on our bond.  The rest of it won't disappear, you will still have rules and expectations and we will work it out as we go, but with our focus on love and strengthening our relationship, life with you and your mom is truly something to look forward to.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Gratitude

To my son Tommy,

You have always wanted your own playset for you own backyard.  Today you are one step closer to that simple dream and tomorrow, if all goes right you will have the whole shebang.  So you owe thanks to many of your family and friends.  Your mom's cousins Aunt Carrie and Uncle Rob are first and foremost in line for thanks as they so graciously handed down this huge playset called the Pathfinder 6006 Deluxe.  It has a slide and a climbing wall and monkey bars and swings and a fort and everything a four year old likes.  We had to disassemble it to get it over and got most of it today but need to make one more trip tomorrow.  You also owe thanks to your cousins Matt and Eric.  Matt helped us load it up and Eric generously entertained you.  You owe thanks to Bwama and Pop-pop for letting us borrow their truck and to your mom who bravely and successfully drove the truck all loaded up thanks to Uncle Rob securing the pieces so well.  You owe thanks to the guys who helped me unload including your Uncle Chris and Mr. Brian and Uncle Dave.  Now if daddy can get the whole thing back in shape when we get all the pieces here tomorrow, you will owe another big thank you.  No not to me, but to God, because it will truly be a small miracle!

The point is so many friends and family were willing to give of themselves to make this happen for you.  You should always acknowledge how blessed you are and be grateful to have such dear loved ones who share of themselves.  Some might think the gift is a playset and some might even think a playset isn't that big of a deal.  They'd be wrong.  To you and your imagination, you were given the keys to the kingdom to defend against invading hoards for years to come.  But the real gift is much larger than any wooden structure, yet so much easier to pass on from one person to another.  And the only payment needed for this amazing gift is sincere gratitude.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Jaded

To my son Tommy,

I think your mom ruined you forever.  There may be no point in your life that you will let another person take your shirt off or put it on.  Your natural defensive reaction will kick in and that reaction is "PROTECT THE PITS".  Your mother, while changing your shirt that past couple months or perhaps longer, always threw in a last minute tickle.  Consequently, you will let us get a shirt over your head but then must put some space in between you and us to insure tickle free pits.  You have been even known to go into another room out of sight to get your arms into your shirt sleeves.  As far as things your parents are going to screw up in you or for you, I guess this is pretty minor.  I don't think ticklish pits will cause any long term trust issues, but you never know.  If it does, just remind your future therapist that tickling was just an expression of love from your mother!

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Sharing Life

To my son Tommy,

There are times when two people will see the same thing and both will come out of the experience with totally different views of what they just saw.  Two people can live basically the same life, go through the same experiences, yet see things completely different.  Two people can be taught by the same teacher and taught the same lesson and have learned completely different things. Their perceptions, their values, their priorities, all effect how people see things.  In essence they are living overlapping lives.

I often do not see things the way others do.  That is why I write to you in these letters.  I want to share my life with you not just coexist in the same place.  I am trying to show you how I see things.  I want you to learn what I find important and learn my priorities in life and give you some insight into why.  You don't have to come to the same conclusions as your old man (because he is often filled with bull) but I am trying to arm you with the ability to find out what is true and right.

I want you to know what is truly important.  I want you to respect life.  I want you to learn how to love.  I want you to actively listen instead of waiting for your turn to talk.  I want you to give of yourself and attempt to share your life with your friends and family and beyond. I want you to share your hopes and dreams and soul with your future wife and kids.  I want you to really share life's experiences and not just happen to live through them with someone.

No two people in the world will perceive any event exactly the same way but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try to share.  When we fail to share and to fail to live with compassion and understanding and just assume others are of the same mindset, this is often when the world's problems occur.  Only through love and an honest effort to rise above our overlapping experiences and truly share of ourselves will these problems disappear.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Humility

To my son Tommy,

There is many a reason that most Catholic churches fill the back rows first, but today's Gospel is probably one of the most cited.  The reading warns us not to seek a place of honor above our station.  The parable challenges us to be humble in our pursuits.  It also challenges us to do things without seeking reward or repayment.  We are promised the humble shall be exalted

Humility is a tricky thing.  Many are filled with a false sense of humbleness that is used to game the system.  Many think humility is thinking less of yourself on purpose even though you don't believe it.  Some go off fishing for compliments and flattery by purposely downplaying an event.  They receive their fleeting temporal reward soon after. True humility is far from these examples and is based in intention and service and sacrifice and love.

Intent is a big part of humble action.  We sit pretty close to the front of the church now.  It isn't because we think we deserve to be sitting in front of others nor to draw attention to ourselves.  No, we sit there because Nansy with her wheelchair likes to sit in the alcove there.  It is not pride or ego that drives us to the front rows but a desire to join our extended family as we worship.

Service is another part of living a humble life.  We must live to serve others and serve our fellow man.  We must not raise our pride above any job that needs doing and we must do these jobs serving humanity with a smile.  Often in this world people believe certain jobs below their status.  They won't dig ditches or pick up trash or mow lawns because that would be beneath them.  Ask yourself, who would effect our lives more if they stopped doing their jobs? the high priced well respected business man or the often looked down upon trash man?  I think I could live without the suits.  The humble trash collector does more of a service for us yet rarely receives any thought or praise.  If there is a job to do, even if it stinks, get out and do it and do it with a smile and pure intention in your heart.

As you serve with pure intent, you will find you may have to sacrifice.  Humility demands a sacrifice of pride and ego, but the sacrifice doesn't necessarily end there.  I think of the destitute father who sacrifices his own meal to feed his child.  I think of that struggling mother, who kids are not wanting for anything, who always finds a couple dollars for the poor box by sacrificing her own luxuries.  I think of the police officer who just lost his life serving a warrant in our neighborhood who, along with his family, sacrificed so much to try and protect our neighborhood.  All these people sacrifice so much for others.

Those who sacrifice and serve and do it with pure intent show us how to love.  That is why humility is a concept and virtue in most every major religion throughout the world.  Some think it a challenge to lead a humble life but their real challenge is to learn how to truly love, for if your heart has true love living within, humility is second nature.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo