Without Mommy

To my son Tommy,

I have perpetuated the bumbling father stereotype before.  For the most part this is an act played by an evil genius used for my nefarious purpose to lower people's (mommy included) expectations and to avoid work. Drop and break a couple dishes, no one asks you to do dishes anymore.  Get the picture?  To be certain, many fathers do this and I risk losing my "man license" by exposing the secret that our ineptitude is an elaborate scheme.  Occasionally though I do find myself in uncharted territory and not as confident in my fatherly abilities but like Gunnery Sergeant Highway says we "Improvise. Adapt. Overcome."

It is just you and me today.  Your mommy is still in the hospital and will be for the next week or more.  The Baltimore weather forecasters are all calling for snow in various amounts which, when they can't agree, most likely means an impending blizzard.  When you woke up this morning, you complained of a tummy ache, an area of life that usually falls to the soon to be nurse in our life, aka Mommy!

I checked the normal culprits.  No fever.  You don't have to poop, or so you say.  Can't even get you to eat, in case it is lack of food that is causing tummy pain.  So what is a father to do?  Well dishes and clean up the house of course.  And blog of course.

I learned, from watching the older relatives in my life, that when you don't know what to do in any situation, you do what you know how to do.  When grief or sorrow would enter our lives when I was a child, I would see people start cleaning and/or start baking and/or start cooking and/or do fix up projects and /or clean out cars and other auto maintenance and/or even pull out a deck of cards for a pinochle game.  It confounded me in my youth and seemed such an unnatural response.  So and so is sick so lets clean the living room.  So and so just passed so time to bake a pie.  So and so is heart broken so let me make sure the oil is changed on the car.

Now I know, it is a healthy combination of denial and the attempt to not feel useless.  Your tummy might be upset, and I wish I could magically make it feel better but I can't.  So at least the dishwasher is run and the kitchen sink sanitized with Lysol.  I wish I could cheer you up, but a stomach ache is going to trump any direct attempts.  So at least you will have a clean living room to look at.  Dirty dishes and general disarray contribute to bad feelings in both of us, so why not fix or do what I know I can do.  I wish I could convince you how important it is to poop and/or eat right now but at least it will be documented and maybe stop you from moving from inept father to "overreacting time to run to the hospital for a simple tummy ache" father sometime in the future.

Of course as I was writing this blog, and expounding on the virtues of a good BM to fix most things, you ran off to the bathroom for a potty.  You asked for privacy as you shut the door swearing to me it is only pee time.  A couple minutes later, from the bathroom I hear this, "Wow! Daddy come look at this big poopie!" Ahh, that's my boy!  Amazed at his own creations and always willing to share.  You are in much better spirits and perhaps we are passed this whole bellyache thing, and I know it is all due to me blogging, and straightening, and running the dishwasher.  It had nothing to do with nature and expelling the two foot brown demon from your body by way of the potty.  Nope, definitely the dishwasher.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

P.S.  It is a good thing that among the things I know how to do, among those things I have learned from my younger days, there exists the skills of catching puke with my hands and cleaning up vomit out of carpet and doing laundry.  Evidently the dishwasher was not the cure all I thought it would be.

Pre-op

To my wife Cassie,

I am sure Tommy will be more than happy to share this forum for his daddy to send a message to his mommy on the eve of her surgery.  Plus Tommy will get even a greater lesson from life by a letter to his mom instead of him.  Unfortunately the words escape me, so I have to borrow someone else's.  For times like this, I turn to the literary greats, like Christopher Robin's words to Winnie the Pooh.

There is something you must always remember:
You are braver than you believe,
Stronger than you seem,
And smarter than you think.
But the most important thing is,
Even if we're apart,
I'll always be with you.

Sincerely with so much love from your husband and son,

Leo

Different Point Of View

To my son Tommy,

When you see our Christmas tree, you do not see something to be decorated and admired.  No, not at all.  You see an efficient system to display toys on a pyramid of green for your choosing to increase your play time satisfaction.  It is more an organizing system than a symbol of the holiday.  Unfortunately, your idea of what a Christmas tree is clashes with your mom's image and ideal.  I am taking bets now for who will win the battle.  If your mother was in perfect health, odds would be against you.  Since we are still at "six geese a laying" in our surgery countdown and your mother is feeling every bit of her discomfort, the odds have evened out with you might even having a slight edge.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

End In Sight

To my son Tommy,

When you are struggling through with anything in life, it helps immensely if you have an end in sight.  A date on the calendar for an anticipated resolution can do wonders for your attitude.  Today we got the date of December 12th for your mom's bowel resection surgery that hopefully will give her some relief from her present woes.  It isn't much of a change in what we expected to wait though it did shave off a couple weeks on the original estimate.  For the most part you wouldn't think your mom shouldn't be happy with "By the way you have to stay on clear liquids and can't eat for almost another month"  but just having a date, an end, a light at the end of the tunnel gives us all such joy and hope!  Of course, I remember what Mr. Murphy and his laws warned about the light at the end of a tunnel... it may be the headlamp of the oncoming train.  Here's hoping Mr.Murphy wasn't an optimist.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Hold Your Hand

To my son Tommy,

Last night, as we went up to bed, you asked your mom if she would come up and sing.  Since all the medical stuff with your mom, since she has been home, we usually have been doing our singing downstairs and then you and I head up to get you in bed.  It is not quite back to normal but better than having to sing over the phone or facetime with your mom in the hospital.  Lately, however, your mom has been braving the steps and been feeling a bit stronger.  So when you asked her last night, she agreed.  Then you added what could be one of the most heartfelt darn near cutest thing a kid can say, "Don't worry mommy.  I will hold your hand so you won't fall as you go up the steps."  Tommy my boy, you are such an uplifting pure innocent force in all of our lives.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

When The Going Gets Tough

To my son Tommy,

It occurred to me that it might seem odd to you that I was talking about volunteering while everything medical is going on with your mom.  Let me be clear, your mother's health takes precedence over any volunteer work.  Your mother's health takes precedence over my job even.  Though my first priorities have changed, in times of struggle, you don't stop doing, especially good things, if you are capable.

You don't stop taking care of yourself  because of hard times.  You don't stop taking care of your home and family because of adversity.  You don't stop paying bills if you can afford.  You don't stop working if you can avoid it.  You don't have to limit your activities to mere survival.  You can still go to church.  You can still volunteer.  You can still recycle.  You can still enjoy a stroll.  You can still laugh without feeling guilty.

Life is struggle.  If we shutdown every time struggle came at us, nothing ever in this world would be accomplished.  The key here is prioritizing.  Perhaps that load of laundry can wait till later.  Perhaps you can give yourself an extra week with the sheets on the bed for a slight break.  Your head is probably swimming and it might not know if you are coming or going.  So you have to rely on your heart and your gut.

There are certain times in your life when it is okay to let everything else shutdown.  You will feel it in your heart when those moments come.  Deep inside you will know if you should be there by the side of their hospital bed at all times rather than volunteering at a soup kitchen or something.  If death strikes a family, all the other goings on in the world take a back seat as you flock to the comfort your family and friends and lean on those same people for your own comfort.  Perhaps later you can continue the rest of the stuff but at that point you just need to grieve and be there for each other.

It really is a balancing act where there seem to be no universal right answer.  There will be times where your clouded head will somehow override the choice by your pure heart and you end up with the wrong answer.  Often we realize that with hindsight from a clearer mind.  Other times we have to be told by someone else that it is time to go back to what really matters and leave the rest for later.  Last night, for me, that someone else was your Bwama and as I was using my volunteerism for escapism and was ready to go on to the fifth computer, she pointed out that the computers will be here tomorrow and the next day and it was time to get home to my wife.  It is a tricky balancing act that everyone is bound to screw up in one form or another, but, God willing, we will get it right more often than we will get it wrong.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

The Big Pill Box

To my son Tommy,

Today I saw marriage through so many eyes and perspectives.

It started with Mass today where a couple renewed their vows and received a blessing from the priest on their 50th anniversary.  What a great testimony!  Add to that being able to look down the row and see my parents and your mommy's parents sitting right there together.  Great examples of marriage surrounded me and you would think I would get the idea through my thick head right away.  Not a chance.

The day continued with me and your mother working on our communication and marriage skills.  If you fail to do something successfully, does that count as working on it?  I think so, if you learn from the experience.  Your mother was feeling frustrated with not being able to help with some tasks we needed to get done.  And her good intentions to try to assist were making me feel micro managed and a bit unappreciated.  After all I had accomplished most everything I had to for the past week or so and you somehow survived.  With a little soul searching and a big reminder from your Grandpa Leo that this is what marriage is all about, I realized I was being selfish and stupid.  Your Grandpa Leo also reminded me that most marriage disputes end with the man realizing this, or they never end.  You can either be right or married.

Later, after the chores were done, we as a family hit a couple drugstores to get the rest of your mom's script and find the perfect pill box to make it easy for your mom to take her medicines properly.  As your mom said, she needed a box you could play monopoly with.  Nothing says love like perusing the medical aid device sections of pharmacies.  Though men logic would have just made your mom make do with a smaller version of the pill box and eliminate the extra store, I had learned a few things since this morning.  Our quest for the large pillbox now meant much more than an extra trip to another store.

Then I came home and decided to peruse the social media outlets online.  A well respected friend of mine posted a line saying that "Marriage isn't for me either" with a link to a blog.  At first it worried me but then I read the blog post associated with the shared link.  I was greeted with a well written post that was summed up nicely in the last sentence which read, "Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others."

Some would say it is coincidence, some would say I am just inferring meaning from random generalizations (like reading a horoscope or fortune cookie) but it sure seems to me Someone out there is trying to get the message through to me.  Life is not about self; Love is not about self.  The faster you realize that, the better off you will be.  And even if you had realized it before, sometimes we can always use a reminder.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Saga Changes Scenery Again

To my son Tommy,

Your mom came home from the hospital today.  This doesn't mean everything is just hunky dory quite yet.  It just means that they aren't keeping her in the hospital anymore.  Instead we have to do everything that they were doing in the hospital at home.  It probably has to do more with money and insurance than health.  The saga continues it just changed scenery and supporting cast.  Thank goodness the home health care nurses are nice.  They really do make it easier.  I think after a couple more lessons on TPN (mommy's nutrition for the past week and the next two weeks) that I could get advanced credit in a nursing school program.  Anyways the plan is to keep mommy fed through an IV and on a whole cocktail of medicines, that made even the pharmacist do a double take, for about two weeks until she can get her surgery.  Not a great plan, and filled with a whole lot of questions and potential problems, but it is a plan which is more than we had a few days ago or for pretty much the whole month of October.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Still In

To my son Tommy,

Your mom is still in the hospital and we still don't have a clear picture as to the path in the future.  She had her surgeon consultation pushed back from Monday to Wednesday.  Tomorrow the plan on doing an endoscopy and a colonoscopy to have a clear picture to present to the surgeon.  One is a tube down the throat and the other is a tube up the. ...well not the throat.  Hopefully they won't use the same tube or at least do the throat one first.

We got your mom's hair washed tonight.  It was quite the production bordering on comical.  I keep teasing your mom by telling her that I am going to brag about showering with a hottie tonight.  I won't mention the hospital gowns and being fully dressed and getting the cuffs of my pants all wet from the shower splatter and such.  Your mom was quite relieved to get her hair washed and that is what really matters.  

Anyways, we are trying to not interrupt your schedule too much, so I had to come home to get you fed and to bed at a decent hour.  The cellentani pasta is cooking and should be done in a couple minutes. Then I have the ironic honor of trying to talk a four year old out of a bath and instead going directly to bed.  You have been very understanding and, after a little talk between father and son, you are determined to be cooperative and helpful during these tough times.  It might not be fair that you just can't be a normal four year old, but your father needs all the help he can get if we are going to survive up to mommy standards! 

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Video Good Morning

To my son Tommy,

You woke up this morning with two things on your mind.  One is the Halloween party for the family later tonight and your entire day will probably be spent asking, "Can we go to the party yet?"

The other thing on your mind was your mommy.  You asked to Facetime her first thing, well first thing after you realized we couldn't go to the party yet.  I explained that I didn't set up Mommy with any skype or ipads when I brought her to the hospital again yesterday.  Not to be thwarted you offered, "Can we do a video? We could send it to her if you want!"

So here is the quick video you did before you decided calling her on the phone would be best.  Your mom hates being away from you and unfortunately the month of October has been filled with little medical induced breaks from being together.  So I know she appreciates any interaction she can have with you, be it through phone, or recorded video, or live video chat.  Sometimes, even when no physical interaction is possible, your mom knows she is always a thought on our minds and a prayer in our hearts.

Sincerely with love form your dad,
Leo

Mass And Family

To my son Tommy,

I have often used these letters to express the import of family.  I also use these letters to express the importance of religion and attending Mass.  Our family often, rightfully so, combines these two.  Today we attended Mass knowing your mom's cousin, Uncle Ben to you, was attending. He will soon be deployed in harm's way.  We offered (and will continue to offer) our concerns and well wishes and our prayers.

Even though today was a more somber prayer for safety, we must remember it is a gift and a joy to attend Mass with the family, to lean on one another and to pray together.  That gift and joy was raised exponentially because your mother joined us at Mass today.  Though she started getting a bit weak by the end, most likely due to some of her recent medications, it was such a pleasure to reach over and hold your mom's hand as we prayed.  Of course, after your own initial excitement of mommy coming to church, it was business as usual for you as you headed down to the other end of the pew towards your Great Aunt Lulu to get the requisite proper amount of separation and freedom from your parents and play with your friend one pew back.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Speak Volumes With A Hug

To my son Tommy,

Yesterday, I wrote to you about a hug.  Within that hug lies a meaning that could fill tome after tome with words of love.  In a two minute hug, I can convey to you what would take me years to express and do justice to through these letters.  Moments like that make life worth living.

Today, I write to you about five years of hugs that started on 17 October 2008.  Five years of moments shared between loved ones, each one affirming and saying "I do" over and over again.  I am still as madly in love with your mother as the day we exchanged our vows.

As you grow in this world, which seems to be turning from personal contact in favor of online interaction, remember that words and pixels are seldom enough.  You need those little actions that speak volumes about the love you are given and the love you have to give.  You need those knowing glances, those stolen kisses, those soft loving touches, those hand-holding moments, those compassionate sincere smiles, those full of life laughs, and those great big bear hugs.  No digital advance can transfer so much information so quickly as a hug.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Moments

To my son Tommy,

What a tiring week.  The whole house is just about beat and ready for a break.  This gloomy weather doesn't help.  But even as exhausting as everything has been, we have found a few moments.  You had your snuggles with your mom to make her feel better when she was home and you had your precious phone calls when she was in the hospital.  You and I perfected our routine getting ready for school even finding time to work on a silly dance that is all our own.  We had fun on your new playset when we could and even escaped to the library this morning.  Yeah things were tough this week, there is no denying that.  But those few precious moments, those brief glimpses of pure love, that is what keeps us going.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Just Kidding

To my son Tommy,

There are moments in life when things seem to be going in the right direction and the world quickly says to you, "Just kidding!".  Your mom came home last night from the hospital.  She seemed to be on a road to recovery or at least we had a plan.  Plus the hospital blew out every vein and had to move her to oral meds, so there was no sense in her staying.  We got her home and into bed and got her prescriptions.  Unfortunately today we were back in the emergency room.  One of her meds, most likely the prednisone, sent her blood pressure sky rocketing.  She recognized the signs from her nursing training and took her own pressure and was somewhere around 210 over 128.  That is extremely high and dangerous and thus we had another trip to the hospital.  They got her blood pressure down some (still high but a more normal and safe high level) and we got some more prescriptions and are finally back home again.  Hopefully we can avoid another trip.  It isn't that I hate hospitals and ER rooms, but I could stand to spend some time away from them.

When the rug gets pulled out from under you, it is easy to go into the "woe is me" mode.  Should you find yourself in that type of position. pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and do what is needed.  If it takes another trip to the ER so be it.  If you have to go back twenty times to get it right, just go.  Never feel sorry or like you are inconveniencing anyone because you have to take care of yourself.  An extreme blood pressure won't be fixed because you feel sorry for yourself.  Saying it is unfair won't stop the crohn's disease or the high blood pressure or whatever is going on.  And if you ever need a great example of what you should do and how you should deal and cope, you don't have to look any further than your mother.  She is an amazing trooper and can show you how to cowboy up and get yourself fixed without feeling sorry for yourself.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

To Work Or Not

To my son Tommy,

When crisis hits family, no matter how big or small, your mind tends to go into tunnel vision mode.  In this case, I am focused in on your mother and her getting better.  Unfortunately the rest of the world keeps coming at you from all directions. I still have to work.  I still have to make a living and provide.  I still have to take care of you.  I still have to take care of the house.  I even have a bunch of added responsibilities that your mother mostly did for us that I am not too adept at doing.  I do not have the luxury of solely worrying about your mother no matter how much I would like to.  I am here at work today and my mind keeps wandering to my love.  It takes a tiring effort to stay on point.  When struggle and difficulty enter our lives, we just do what we have to and keep going.  The funny thing is, though my thoughts are split between work and the hospital, I might even be more effective at work.  The realization of what really is important often gives you a clarity that transforms your approach to getting things done.  With all the projects I have going on right now, I need to keep that clarity just to keep the juggling everything I have to.  Luckily I work for an understanding company who will give me some leeway as I juggle everything.  I also have a great support system in family and friends that help us out considerably.  Anyways, back to work for me.  I will try to get off of work early enough to pick you up from school but if not your grandparents will get you and I will see you soon.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Wanna Dance

To my son Tommy,

Day two of your mommy in the hospital.  Still trying to figure out all that medical stuff.  You are impressing me with the way you are coping.  Yesterday, I was going to drop you off to your Bwama after church and breakfast while I headed over to the hospital.  As I explained what we were doing you asked if you could go to the hospital too.  Then, when I agreed, you suggested we bring mommy a gift to make her feel better.  I let you go into cvs and pick it the card and gift.  You chose a Halloween Hello Kitty beanie baby and a cute and funny card with a chimpanzee on it.  You were very discerning and considered everything as you chose.  Somehow you ended up with a die cast car toy yourself.

Last night you made sure we called your mom at bed time and the first thing on your mind this morning was your mom so we called again.  I know she appreciates ever moment with you no matter on the phone or in person and she can't wait to get home and do some serious snuggle time.  After our phone call, we got back to the business of getting ready for school.

We were working through the normal routine when you tried a delay tactic to hold off brushing your teeth.  "Wanna dance?", you inquired and then, with a cheesy grin over your face, immediately held up each index finger and started waving them like something from the Charleston or the Lindy Hop or some type of flapper dance.  Seeing your bad dancing techniques and knowing you got them from your father or worse yet my father, brought such joy to my heart.  So we danced, both of us shaking our hips and our index fingers in one of the most silly, most welcomed moments of stress relief.  We then brushed your teeth and finished up and headed off to school.  I am not sure how you know what each of your parents need at any given moment, but you do.  Thank you.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo

Hospitals

To my son Tommy,

We brought your mom to the ER last night.  We thought she had an obstruction due to her Crohn's disease.  The doctors don't think that is the cause because of their initial tests and have admitted her till they figure it out.  She is over at St Joseph's (where you were born) and hopefully in good hands.  Things will be crazy for the next couple days as we juggle schedules and hospital trips and throw Ina few extra prayers to our routine.  More later.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

Leo