To my son Tommy,
It occurred to me that it might seem odd to you that I was talking about volunteering while everything medical is going on with your mom. Let me be clear, your mother's health takes precedence over any volunteer work. Your mother's health takes precedence over my job even. Though my first priorities have changed, in times of struggle, you don't stop doing, especially good things, if you are capable.
You don't stop taking care of yourself because of hard times. You don't stop taking care of your home and family because of adversity. You don't stop paying bills if you can afford. You don't stop working if you can avoid it. You don't have to limit your activities to mere survival. You can still go to church. You can still volunteer. You can still recycle. You can still enjoy a stroll. You can still laugh without feeling guilty.
Life is struggle. If we shutdown every time struggle came at us, nothing ever in this world would be accomplished. The key here is prioritizing. Perhaps that load of laundry can wait till later. Perhaps you can give yourself an extra week with the sheets on the bed for a slight break. Your head is probably swimming and it might not know if you are coming or going. So you have to rely on your heart and your gut.
There are certain times in your life when it is okay to let everything else shutdown. You will feel it in your heart when those moments come. Deep inside you will know if you should be there by the side of their hospital bed at all times rather than volunteering at a soup kitchen or something. If death strikes a family, all the other goings on in the world take a back seat as you flock to the comfort your family and friends and lean on those same people for your own comfort. Perhaps later you can continue the rest of the stuff but at that point you just need to grieve and be there for each other.
It really is a balancing act where there seem to be no universal right answer. There will be times where your clouded head will somehow override the choice by your pure heart and you end up with the wrong answer. Often we realize that with hindsight from a clearer mind. Other times we have to be told by someone else that it is time to go back to what really matters and leave the rest for later. Last night, for me, that someone else was your Bwama and as I was using my volunteerism for escapism and was ready to go on to the fifth computer, she pointed out that the computers will be here tomorrow and the next day and it was time to get home to my wife. It is a tricky balancing act that everyone is bound to screw up in one form or another, but, God willing, we will get it right more often than we will get it wrong.
Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo
Showing posts with label deal with it. Show all posts
Showing posts with label deal with it. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Empty
To my son Tommy,
After I picked you up from school and fed you some fries, you and I played on your swing set for a couple hours. You kept asking if your cousin Ryan can come down but she is in North Carolina with her parents for a wedding. But your old man tried his hardest to make it fun for you. We threw an oversized frisbee around and kicked and tossed your inflatable penguin beach ball you got from your Innisbrook sales. I pushed you on your swings and watched you on the slides (which I likened to the economy with the current government) and we even ran around a bit and played tag. We need to work on getting you some more friends who we can call to come over and play. Not only to make it more fun for you, but to save your dad's old joints and bones.
We went inside, bathed, and did your homework. You weren't satisfied with the little bit of homework you had, so you had me print out more letters to trace. As I was sitting there watching you and helping you, an overwhelming feeling of emptiness consumed me. Even after just a couple days of her not being home, your mom's presence is sorely missed. She makes the house feel so full with just her presence. Without her there, I felt empty. Worry about your mom's condition and hospital stay started to consume me. To keep my mind off things I started cleaning.
Cleaning was a bad idea. I was going through the pile of papers on the table, I found a bunch of stuff that needs to be addressed. Normally your mom would handle all this in her own way. She has the knack for keeping things scheduled in her head and making sure everything is done at the last minute. I prefer to do everything right away because if I put it off, for even an hour, chances are it will never be done. It is just a difference in approaches and neither is really better if the job gets done and the person doing it keeps their sanity. Unfortunately in my state of mind, filled with emptiness and uncertainty and sorrow and worry, I started focusing on the difference with anger. I wasn't really angry at your mom nor angry at turning in a permission slip a day late nor figuring out which of the bills are due now. Really I was just worried and going through the natural progression of emotions usually associated with loss or grief. It is odd how just a couple days away from the love of my life and the whole uncertainty of things can trigger the same five stages usually reserved for the more permanent loss of a loved one. It really put another spotlight on how your mom is such a vital part of me and my life. Not sure why this time it is hitting me so emotionally, but it is what it is. Of course as I realized what I was doing, I forced myself to snap out of it.
Your mom's cousin Aunt Keri brought over some food for us. A spaghetti pie and some garlic bread and some cookies with little ghosts on them. A welcomed and delicious help. We had to make you some plain pasta though because I couldn't entice you enough to try it yourself. I did get a bite of a cookie in you but you went kicking and screaming on that one. Though after you had the bite, you said you might try those again tomorrow. We called mommy so you could say goodnight. We brushed your teeth and you chased me up the stairs for bedtime. Songs and prayers and then I went downstairs. I did the dishes and silently yelled at myself for missing the recycling yesterday (again that anger but this time at myself) and I straightened more of the living room.
The lesson here is emotions are a tricky thing. They deceive you. They replace valid worry with anger because it is easier to be mad than to be sad. You have to deal with these emotions all your life and the more you learn about your own emotions and the root cause of them, the easier it will be to not let these emotions overtake you. It is okay to have these emotions but don't let them get the better of you. People might not see that call complaining about an overdue permission slip found on the table as your way of coping. And by people, I mean your mom. If you ever do find yourself getting out of control, stop, take a deep breath, say a prayer, and beg forgiveness for anyone who was an innocent casualty.
Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo
After I picked you up from school and fed you some fries, you and I played on your swing set for a couple hours. You kept asking if your cousin Ryan can come down but she is in North Carolina with her parents for a wedding. But your old man tried his hardest to make it fun for you. We threw an oversized frisbee around and kicked and tossed your inflatable penguin beach ball you got from your Innisbrook sales. I pushed you on your swings and watched you on the slides (which I likened to the economy with the current government) and we even ran around a bit and played tag. We need to work on getting you some more friends who we can call to come over and play. Not only to make it more fun for you, but to save your dad's old joints and bones.
We went inside, bathed, and did your homework. You weren't satisfied with the little bit of homework you had, so you had me print out more letters to trace. As I was sitting there watching you and helping you, an overwhelming feeling of emptiness consumed me. Even after just a couple days of her not being home, your mom's presence is sorely missed. She makes the house feel so full with just her presence. Without her there, I felt empty. Worry about your mom's condition and hospital stay started to consume me. To keep my mind off things I started cleaning.
Cleaning was a bad idea. I was going through the pile of papers on the table, I found a bunch of stuff that needs to be addressed. Normally your mom would handle all this in her own way. She has the knack for keeping things scheduled in her head and making sure everything is done at the last minute. I prefer to do everything right away because if I put it off, for even an hour, chances are it will never be done. It is just a difference in approaches and neither is really better if the job gets done and the person doing it keeps their sanity. Unfortunately in my state of mind, filled with emptiness and uncertainty and sorrow and worry, I started focusing on the difference with anger. I wasn't really angry at your mom nor angry at turning in a permission slip a day late nor figuring out which of the bills are due now. Really I was just worried and going through the natural progression of emotions usually associated with loss or grief. It is odd how just a couple days away from the love of my life and the whole uncertainty of things can trigger the same five stages usually reserved for the more permanent loss of a loved one. It really put another spotlight on how your mom is such a vital part of me and my life. Not sure why this time it is hitting me so emotionally, but it is what it is. Of course as I realized what I was doing, I forced myself to snap out of it.
Your mom's cousin Aunt Keri brought over some food for us. A spaghetti pie and some garlic bread and some cookies with little ghosts on them. A welcomed and delicious help. We had to make you some plain pasta though because I couldn't entice you enough to try it yourself. I did get a bite of a cookie in you but you went kicking and screaming on that one. Though after you had the bite, you said you might try those again tomorrow. We called mommy so you could say goodnight. We brushed your teeth and you chased me up the stairs for bedtime. Songs and prayers and then I went downstairs. I did the dishes and silently yelled at myself for missing the recycling yesterday (again that anger but this time at myself) and I straightened more of the living room.
The lesson here is emotions are a tricky thing. They deceive you. They replace valid worry with anger because it is easier to be mad than to be sad. You have to deal with these emotions all your life and the more you learn about your own emotions and the root cause of them, the easier it will be to not let these emotions overtake you. It is okay to have these emotions but don't let them get the better of you. People might not see that call complaining about an overdue permission slip found on the table as your way of coping. And by people, I mean your mom. If you ever do find yourself getting out of control, stop, take a deep breath, say a prayer, and beg forgiveness for anyone who was an innocent casualty.
Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Cricket
To my son Tommy,
Chirp, chirp, chirp ... My eyes bolted awake at 5 AM
Chirp, chirp, chirp ... You got to be kidding me?
Chirp, chirp, chirp ... A cricket? Maybe if I ignore it, it will just go away.
Chirp, chirp, chirp ... Arrghh I NEED my sleep! I will just pull this pillow over my head.
Muffled chirp, muffled chirp, muffled chirp ... For the love of all things good and holy!
Muffled chirp, muffled chirp, muffled chirp ... Through a pillow?!? You must be the loudest cricket ever!
Muffled chirp, muffled chirp, muffled chirp ... I jumped up, tore off my cpap mask and threw on the light.
Silence, silence, silence ... Oh I am not falling for that! Where are you, you little $&%+
Silence, silence, silence ... I know what is going to happen if I don't find you. Show yourself!
Silence, silence, silence ... I turn off the light. Put on my cpap mask and lay down.
Silence, silence, silence ... I start to doze off thinking maybe I can get another hour of sleep.
Chirp, chirp, chirp ... GAH! Maybe if I take the time to focus my mind on something else I can block it.
Chirp, chirp, chirp ... Maybe if I pray. Our Father, who art in Heav...
Chirp, chirp, chirp ... Okay that isn't working. Maybe if I think of gateways and stepping stones and blogs.
Chirp, chirp, chirp ... Who could think with all this racket?!
Chirp, chirp, chirp ... You win! You win! I am up! I am up!
Silence, silence, silence ... I get up and get in the shower.
Silence, silence, silence ... I turn the water as hot as I can stand and as I relax, my eyes start getting heavy.
Far off chirp, far off chirp, far off chirp ... All I can do is shake my head. Off to work.
There will be times in life that something will annoy you to no end. It will distract you from the task at hand and no task will be able to replace this irritating stimulus. It will be infuriating and it can even threaten your own sanity. Don't let it. Remain calm, learn to deal, and appreciate the humor in the situation. I had to deal by removing myself from the situation this morning, a short term solution at most. I plan to hunt this cricket down with bug bombs and cleaning, but I won't let it consume me. I have already allowed this insect to alter my day, it won't become my obsession. But if you find me sleeping in your room tonight...you will know why. Got to go, my cell phone is ringing...it better not be the cricket!
Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo
Chirp, chirp, chirp ... My eyes bolted awake at 5 AM
Chirp, chirp, chirp ... You got to be kidding me?
Chirp, chirp, chirp ... A cricket? Maybe if I ignore it, it will just go away.
Chirp, chirp, chirp ... Arrghh I NEED my sleep! I will just pull this pillow over my head.
Muffled chirp, muffled chirp, muffled chirp ... For the love of all things good and holy!
Muffled chirp, muffled chirp, muffled chirp ... Through a pillow?!? You must be the loudest cricket ever!
Muffled chirp, muffled chirp, muffled chirp ... I jumped up, tore off my cpap mask and threw on the light.
Silence, silence, silence ... Oh I am not falling for that! Where are you, you little $&%+
Silence, silence, silence ... I know what is going to happen if I don't find you. Show yourself!
Silence, silence, silence ... I turn off the light. Put on my cpap mask and lay down.
Silence, silence, silence ... I start to doze off thinking maybe I can get another hour of sleep.
Chirp, chirp, chirp ... GAH! Maybe if I take the time to focus my mind on something else I can block it.
Chirp, chirp, chirp ... Maybe if I pray. Our Father, who art in Heav...
Chirp, chirp, chirp ... Okay that isn't working. Maybe if I think of gateways and stepping stones and blogs.
Chirp, chirp, chirp ... Who could think with all this racket?!
Chirp, chirp, chirp ... You win! You win! I am up! I am up!
Silence, silence, silence ... I get up and get in the shower.
Silence, silence, silence ... I turn the water as hot as I can stand and as I relax, my eyes start getting heavy.
Far off chirp, far off chirp, far off chirp ... All I can do is shake my head. Off to work.
There will be times in life that something will annoy you to no end. It will distract you from the task at hand and no task will be able to replace this irritating stimulus. It will be infuriating and it can even threaten your own sanity. Don't let it. Remain calm, learn to deal, and appreciate the humor in the situation. I had to deal by removing myself from the situation this morning, a short term solution at most. I plan to hunt this cricket down with bug bombs and cleaning, but I won't let it consume me. I have already allowed this insect to alter my day, it won't become my obsession. But if you find me sleeping in your room tonight...you will know why. Got to go, my cell phone is ringing...it better not be the cricket!
Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)