Friday, April 4, 2014

Bread Cleavage

To my son Tommy,

Before I had you, back when I knew everything about raising a child, I swore that any child of mine would eat the crusts of the bread. I would not pamper my kids with crustless sandwiches. Of course that was before. That was before we went through the period where we thought you might be on baby food the rest of your life. That was before we fought every fight to get you to try just about anything. That is before I realized you were ten times as stubborn as your old man. That is before I was elated that we got you to eat cheese sandwiches and felt only fleeting guilt by compromising my moral certainty of my youth on the issue of cutting off the crusts.

When you start out being a dad, you never know what is going to be the biggest concern in your day to day life. Sure there are the usual standards of health and wellness and education and safety and such, but I am talking about the day to day nitty gritty specifics. Yes! I am talking about bread cleavage!

Who knew that the divot in the top of the bread loaf would cause me such angst? Normally we buy the sandwich style sliced bread, but recently at one of those wholesale clubs we bought the King style of bread. Evidently, when they bake this bread, they must put a g-string over the bread pan to give it that nice top wedgie. That is the only explanation I can think of. Look at that picture! How?

If you were a crust eater, like your mom and I, this wouldn't matter. But when I go to take off the crust, which ruins the sandwich for you if even the littlest bit is left, four straight slices takes off nearly half the sandwich! I had to resort to the triangle cut out around the indentation. It may not sound like much but these are the concerns and lessons you learn as a parent. Even though it really isn't much of a problem, it is still a small annoyance that I can avoid later. Maybe I should break out the big cookie cutters again and start shaping your sandwiches. Or maybe, some day, you will just learn to eat the darn crust. Until then, I will be more picky on my bread buys. Minimal cleavage in every loaf!

Sincerely with love from your dad,

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