TGIF

To my son Tommy,

"Thank God It's Friday" is common proclamation you will hear through out the ages as the normal work week comes to an end.  Even atheists and agnostics will shout this as they prepare to celebrate.  It is so common a restaurant created a very successful franchise from celebrating the end of work and beginning of the weekend.  People will head out in droves for a night of debauchery that may lead them to a Saturday morning where they will do everything but thank God.  It almost like some mystical magical ceremonial right of passage for the week from the ancient times of the druids.

Of course this is another man-made construct of date and time.  The weekly cycle has no beginning nor end and is just a constant revolution.  Human nature has a hard time grasping something that has no beginning nor end and goes in an endless circle.  So they try to categorize and break it up and have created the work week and the weekend to break the monotony.   And trust me, though I realize just like the blue moon that Friday is really no more special than any other day, I do appreciate a good celebration for surviving yet another week at work.

Unfortunately, Friday usually doesn't symbolize the end of my work week.  I work too many weekends for that.  I am now too old for the Saturday hangover so my Friday night debauchery is quite limited.  When I was younger, I never limited myself to just Friday night drinks and thought less of those that did.  And I don't quite understand sleeping in on Saturdays.  Why would I wake up early every day of the week to go to that four letter word most of us dread called work, and then when I can theoretically have a day for myself and do the fun stuff, I sleep through it and don't jump up with the eager anticipation of the "free" day?  I do get that sleep can be fun and I at one time lived for the "extra 15 minutes" of sleep, but my how times and my point of view changed.

So tonight when you grab your green party hat and your favorite cookie monster and we ready ourselves to go and celebrate Friday and family at your Uncle Rob and Aunt Debbie's house, remember that you should thank God for everyday whose name ends in a "Y".  I know I thank God for those very days as I count my blessings such as you and your mother.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Blue Moon Rising

To my son Tommy,

One your favorite movies and songs right now is the Smurfs.  You run around the house singing that song and have watched the movie well over a dozen times.  It seems being young gives you not only an ability to tolerate annoying repetition but to crave it.  An important plot to this movie is the blue moon.

Like a being form myth and legend, the blue moon has been corrupted and adapted and blamed for everything from betrayals to births to cosmic disasters and other such hijinks.  You see there really isn't anything special about this moon.  It isn't even really blue and the reason they call it blue can be varied as the superstitions that surround it.

The technical definition is the third full moon of a season that will end up having four full moons.  But like so many things in this world that definition has been lost to the popular definition which is any month with 2 full moons in it.  So you see either way the blue moon is a construct of the human calendar.  To me it is a symbol that nature doesn't follow the numbering scheme of mankind, no matter how much humanity wants to order and organize events of nature.

Four full moons in a season happens nearly every three years.  The popular definition though more sporadic can happen years or even just months apart followed by a drought of sitings.  This moon tomorrow actually only fits the second definition.  So why even bring up tomorrows blue moon?  Well the romantic in me has to give a blue moon its due.  The phrase "once in a blue moon" might have become to mean a rare occurrence but even these rare occurrences happen pretty often.  Even more so if you use both definitions.  They say the next blue moon using the popular definition happens again in 2015 but if you use the technical definition next August we have another blue moon to look forward to.  Go and find your blue moon, marvel at the alignment of planets and nature and calendars and time, and then get back to the true blue moon that you have already found in the love of your family.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Working From Home Today

To my son Tommy,

I am working from home today.  It is just you and me again, two wild and crazy guys.  Your mother is in nursing school.  Normally you would be at your Bwama's house but last night your PopPop had some heart issues and headed off to the emergency room.  They are unsure of what is going on and why he keeps getting these, but your grandmom told us that he will be okay.  Of course she tends to downplay things so we don't worry.  It doesn't really work, but it is somewhat comforting none the less that she attempts to keep us calm.

Anyways luckily my work is very understanding and allowed me to work from home.  Surprisingly working from home has been quite productive.  I think the lack of the "hey can you look at this" or "can you help me with this" has helped.  I have only dealt with about 5 calls from the field today and 3 calls from the office.  Of course there are new challenges like you saying "Hey I am red" which I found out means you are bleeding because you picked the scab off your heal where your shoes had rubbed it raw.  But other than that, this small break to blog, a quick video when you found the flip and started recording things (see attached), a number two bathroom break for you, and perhaps a quick stop for our lunch coming soon...there have been no problems or distractions.  You have played well with puzzles and toys and just required a quick glance over my shoulder to make sure your attention was not being given to something destructive (like picking scabs, drawing on walls, or developing a nuclear device).  I may take a quick break to straighten up as I am almost to the point where I can compile the current program changes.

Anyways, we will send out a couple extra prayers for PopPop.  He usually gets about 2 or 3 a day from us, but we might double that.  We will work out the new schedule and continue to work through any hiccups like today by me working from home or even you coming to work with your old man on non-school days.  Alright I have to go find your missing toy you cannot live without right now, and then get back to work.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Stats

To my son Tommy,

As I start my 44th blog entry in as many days, I often wonder what it would be like to have statistics for every area of my life.  I would be interested in an up to date count of how many days I have not had a cigarette.  Of course I could do the math on that one.  By your mom's recollection we quit on May 14th, so 3 months 14 days.  I would like to see how many days I have attended daily mass.  I know I only missed a handful.  Even when we went on vacation I still attended, so that stat could be broken down into mass at St. Agnes and mass away.

Then I start thinking of all the mundane things a personal statistician could track.  Showers, curse words, diet, hugs, smiles, you name it a  statistician could follow it.   Some of that would be fascinating, other stats would be scary.   That obscure stat that comes up during all baseball broadcasts where the announcer states that this guy at bat has worn the same underwear for the entire series...well imagine that but more personal.  A Leo trading card with such things as number of nose pickings and curse words and such.

If we had a personal statistician today, he could have tracked the number of times you said "I'm sleepy" and the amount of kicks to my groin you gave me as I tried to get you dressed for school.  He could have counted the seconds of anger verse frustration in your mother or the number of times we considered throwing you out the front door half naked.  All interesting stats for our daily life.

But here is the things about streaks and stats, you can easily get caught up in them.  The number can become more important than the action.  You start doing things for bragging rights rather than for the accomplishment.  "Hey I have done this and this for 123 days in a row" blah blah blah.  You forget to enjoy what you are doing and your success comes tied to some arbitrary stat or a streak that is going to end and come crashing down around you.  Remember the best runners in the world forget they are in a race and just run.  They don't focus on their time or the results, they just run.  So though it would be interesting to "stat out" our lives, perhaps we should just live and enjoy.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Enjoy Your Food

To my son Tommy,

I wonder if when either your mother or I feed you if we are doing you a disservice.  You see when parents feed a child it all about getting to the end.  Bigger spoonfuls and quicker pace are the tools often implemented in accomplishing this goal.  But I can't help to think we are setting you up for failure in your future diet.

One of the keys to staying fit is to eat "mindfully" with small bites and enjoying the flavor of each bite.  When we shovel in the food we are teaching you a learned behavior that is destined to make you fight the battle of the bulge in your later years.  This is even more concerning to me than your lack of variety in your current diet.  Then I sit and ponder what other little learned behaviors you are grabbing from our actions that will make life harder.

That is one of the difficulties of parenting.  It isn't as much what you say or what you intend to impart on your child,  it is more about what you do and the littlest habits that your child grabs from his observations.  These letters, obviously, are filled with words and lessons I want to teach you,  but they are useless if I don't give you the tools of life through example and practice.

So the next time you grab a spoonful of yogurt,  I will be encouraging you to enjoy the flavor and the taste.  I will hope you take the time to really savor and appreciate your food as you grow.  Small bites, big enjoyment, and just maybe you will miss the extra 70 or 100 pounds your old man has put on by age 38.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Thunderstorms

To my son Tommy,

Lightning, thunder, wind, and rain seem to be the menu for today's weather.  So I figured I better write to you while BGE is still supplying us with power and Verizon DSL is still working.  Due to previous experience, I always assume when inclement weather comes our way that both of those utilities will fail us.

As far as thunderstorms go, this one seems fairly tame though sustained.  Don't get me wrong, any thunderstorm has its dramatic highs and lows and magnificent lightning strikes and awe inspiring power.  But if we compare them to the storm that ran through the area in late June or early July of this year, it is comparing lambs to lions.  That storm earlier this year actually scared me, and it came up so quick and without warning and knocked us (and half the state) out of power for a week   I actually had to move everyone off the second floor and huddled on the first floor waiting to run in the basement for safety if necessary.  Today's storm, by contrast, we can look out the window and try to count between the time we see the lightning and here the thunder.

That is how most everything in this world is compared.  Something is only incredibly bad if it tops the previous experiences.  It happens with storms, exercise routines, and just about everything life.  That is why any story you tell of terrific experience will be topped by your elders.  "You think that thunderstorm was bad?  You should have been here for the storms of Summer 2012!"  or better yet something more classic like "School was late?  When I went to school I had to walk 10 miles in the snow barefoot uphill both ways" can be heard by older people.  Sometimes like the former quote it is true and not exaggerated but many times, like the latter quote, things are romanticized and embellished.

It really is a shame.  We can get so desensitized to the power and awe of an event by previous experiences.  You should not let the fact that just because you had a better time before, influence your enjoyment of the present.  You should not let the fact that it has been worse diminish the fact that it is bad now.  You should not let the fact that you have seen more amazing lessen the power and awe of what you see now.  Comparison to previous events is only natural and is actually part of learning, but try to let each event stand on its own and have its "own day in court" when you decide how to describe it.  Until then we will just collect your experiences in your mind so some day you can tell your son "Voice recognition?  Brainwave recognition?  I remember when my father had to type his words on a keyboard and move this little thing around called a mouse to work and to write letters to me!"

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Always Something To Do

To my son Tommy,

There will be mornings when you wake up under the illusion (or perhaps I should say delusion) that you have nothing to do.  That happened to me this morning.  I woke up at the usual time, and was completely bored and without direction.  I normally do not attend morning mass on Saturdays since I attend afternoon confession.  And since it is the weekend I technically do not have to work.  Your mother wasn't up yet to fill my dance card and you were still in dreamland yourself.

The first thing you have to do when you get this feeling or notion is to be honest with yourself.  There is always something to do.  As I sat and thought about all the things I should be doing today, my list filled fast.  I could use the time to catch up because I am behind at work; I could straighten up the living room; I could get ready to finish trimming up the front lawn and start working on the back lawn.  And that was just personal things.  If you ever find yourself bored, you can find something to do that isn't normally on your list; I could visit relatives; I could go for a walk;  I could read; I could call up a soup kitchen and volunteer my idle hours;  Or make a dish for "Our Daily Bread"; or go borrow a puppy from the pound and bring it to a retirement home for an hour.  You see there are many things to be done.

If you are honest with yourself, you will find that you are CHOOSING not to do anything.  That is okay to do.  Sometimes you need to have time to "just be".  But don't delude yourself and think you have no obligations.  Your duties are just put off not forgiven.  The problem with doing nothing however, to paraphase John Corey a character in the books by Nelson Demille one of my favorite authors , is you never quite know when you are done.  You can get stuck "doing nothing" all day, all week, or all the time.  Everything is piling up but you have gotten yourself into a rut of inactivity.  Newton's Law of Inertia, though meant to describe physics, fits perfectly into this example.  An object at rest tends to stay at rest...

So I got up off my butt and headed into church.  It is an hour later on Saturdays than the other days so that was perfect as I sat there figuring out that I didn't want to to do nothing all day.  I figured starting the day like this would get some momentum.  After church I headed to Bob Evans for some carry out to bring back for breakfast.  You and your mom were up when I got home and we ate and spent some time trying to figure out one of your movie requests (what you ask for and the title of the movie rarely match).  I sat down to write this letter and now I have to take this little spark and gently grow it into a blaze of getting things done.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Sing A Happy Song

To my son Tommy,

The sun has risen yet again and here we are...we made it through to today even though at times it felt like we wouldn't.  So how do you survive a day like yesterday filled with sorrow and grief and sadness?  Just like you survive any other day.  But let me give you some tips on how to do it easier.

Embrace.  Embrace your sorrow and sadness.  Do not shy away from it or hide it in a corner.  When warranted, real men cry my son.  Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise.  If a tear is genuine never be ashamed of it. 

Share.  Share your grief and pain.  Give others the opportunity to share their support and comfort in exchange.  People will be there with words of beauty, or loving sentiments, or a great big hug.  All of this because they love you and feel for you.

Forgive.  Forgive yourself for living.  Forgive yourself for not grieving every moment of the day.  Forgive yourself for moving on and forgive yourself for being happy.  Trust me, the dead don't want you to wallow in their loss.  They are happy when you move on and feel happiness and joy.  Yet somewhere we still feel this guilt and blame and negativity.  Let it go.

Pray.  Pray for the strength to go on.  Pray for the souls of the lost.  Pray to accept God's will.  Pray for a sign that everything will be ok, that rainbow after the flood. Yesterday morning at church, I prayed for exactly that and as I was praying a small beam of sunshine entered through the stain glass window from my left.  It was nothing special, just the sun rising at the right time.  But it was comforting none the less.  Miracles are often nothing special and have a lot to do with perception.  That is why so many miss them.

Love.  Love extra hard.  Give every hug that little extra umph.  Search your heart for the most sincere words and let someone else know that you love them.  Bask in the love of your loved ones and radiate your love deep inside to everyone you meet.

Be Thankful.  Be thankful for all you do have and for the gifts in your life at this moment.  Be grateful for what you did have and the time, albeit short, that you had to enjoy it.  Leave your regret behind and look at the present, look at all those around you helping you and offering their support.  Count yourself blessed.

Have a son like you.  A son who can pick wild flowers and weeds and lay them on his brothers grave.  A son who offers up his Big Red Dog Clifford stuffed animal to his brother (we told you that Sal said it was ok and wanted you to keep it at home.)  A son who can turn and sing "La la la la la la...sing a happy song" in his best Smurf impersonation at just the right moment to make his mother smile through her tears.  A son whose excitement is contagious as he meets his pre-k teacher for the first time at the St. Agnes Ice Cream Social.

That is how I got through yesterday, and how I will get through today, and tomorrow, and after.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Baby Sal

To my son Tommy,

This is a difficult letter I write to you today.  One year ago on the 23rd of August 2011 your stillborn brother was delivered into this world after approximately 18 weeks of being in the womb.  You were only 2 years old at the time and I doubt you will remember or comprehended any of the events.  You barely understood about a baby brother in your mom's womb.  Some time we will sit down and discuss Salvatore Joseph Downey but that will be in the future.  It is not that we are hiding or shielding the event from you, just need you to get a bit older to understand.

So for now, you will have to just wonder why your mom and I are sad today.  You will once again question where we are going as we head to the grave of Baby Sal who is buried with your Great Grandfather Sal Maggio.  But, unfortunately, some day you will come to some type of understanding about death and it will click in your mind what is going on.

Losing a son at any age is difficult.  Such an event can cause depression, alcoholism, divorce, and loss of religion...if you let it.   Death of any kind makes you want to scream at God "WHY!?" and even question His existence.  It can devastate relationships and destroy your soul.  All the questions... why, how, why me, when, where, what...  none of them ever got answered and it takes some time to accept that none of them ever will be answered.  When Sal passed, your mom and I searched for answers but what we were really searching for was comfort.  An uncredited quote I found did help me a bit

"The amount of time on earth matters very little: a man can live in greed and pride 90 years and never find God, know Him or accomplish His Plan. A stillborn baby on the other hand, teaches people to love, brings people to the Lord, teaches us the tenuous nature of life and teaches us a faith that those who have not suffered loss can never know. A child not even breathing for an hour, can have an impact greater than a famous preacher. The purpose of a life is not ours to decide nor in our hands: it is brought about by God" Source Unknown

That helped me a little.  For it is true Baby Sal taught me so much about love and life.  Your mother, you, and your brother have all taught me more about love and life and changed me more than any other person in this world. There were so many things we found in other peoples words on the internet and in books and in person as we searched.  Beautiful words and images filled with love and faith and hope from others who have experienced the same thing.  It is amazing to me that even in the darkest hours of despair you can find such beauty and love and behind those you can find God.  One image or quote I found was a chiasmus.

"God, I was going to bounce my baby on my knee and tell him all about you.  Can you now bounce him on your knee and tell him all about me?"  Source unknown

I need to stop writing now as my tears might flow into the keyboard and my emotions have so much pouring out that I cannot organize my thoughts and feelings to express to you.  I hope that one day you can understand life and death and all about your brother Sal.  We will always remember your brother and even though he did not take a single breath in this world we are thankful for his time in our life.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Working Late

To my son Tommy,

It is quickly closing in on 6 pm and there is no end in sight for my work day today.  Trust me I would much rather be home with you and your mom and enjoying a game with dinosaurs or some other figures from your toy collection.  But there are things that have to get done.

You will have times in your life you will have to walk that tightrope between work and responsibility versus family and quality time.  It is a fine line and somewhat of a juggling act.  If at all possible, always pick family.  But sometimes you have to get things done and you have to buckle down and stay till they are.  Make sure you call, make sure you express your regret and your love, and then work has hard, fast, and diligent as you can to get back to the ones you love.

It is a terrible catch 22.  Every moment I have spent hugging you or your mom is infinitely better than most any moment I have spent at work.  But to provide for us, I have to do my job and do it the best I can, and spend so much time away from the ones I love.  So as I wait for this final program to compile and this final report to run, I took the time to call your mom and the time to write to you and say,  I love you both.  I will count the minutes till I walk in that door and you excitedly and happily scream "DADDY!"

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Process

To my son Tommy,

Everyone has their own process, their own way of doing things even when the desired outcome is the same.  Some people when faced with a large challenge tackle the toughest parts first leaving the less difficult for later, others start off with the easy stuff and hope to get some momentum in their task.  Some people put the roll of toilet paper so the loose end hangs over in the front, others so it hangs under in the back.  Some people put both their socks on then their shoes, while others go sock-shoe-sock-shoe, while yet others skip socks altogether and just go flip-flop flip-flop.  No two people will do everything the same way.  It is part of what makes us unique.

Your mother and I have some different processes.  For example tonight your mother asked about some printouts I was to bring home.  In my mind, I was unsure if I even remembered to bring them home from work, so with this thought in the back of my mind I started walking around searching.  I was searching in areas I knew they would not be, but I actually was more searching my mind for an image or an item that would strike a chord in my mind on where these papers were.  The physical search for me was more symbolic and simply part of my process.  Your mother however saw this and saw it as a waste of time as she   knew where the papers weren't.  So she told me, "No way they are there".  Perturbed, that my mental search was interrupted with the fact that my physical search is useless, I moved onto another spot.  "Nope those papers there have been there for months." A bit more upset, both by my process being interrupted and the fact that a pile of papers has been on the same spot on the steps for over a month, I mustered as much calmness as I could and said "You are going to have to let me look, even if I am looking in places we both know they are not".  Of course I was more upset at myself because no image was coming to my mind and I had almost convinced myself I had screwed up and left them at work.  I walked around aimlessly switching between the physical and mental search.  I looked at items and images and when searching the kitchen, which I had no illusion that the papers were there, I saw a shopping bag.  I had a flash in the mind and knew I had put the papers in a plastic bag and then put them in my CDW computer satchel.  Now my hunt switched from the mental to the physical.  I gave up and told your mom that it was in my computer bag and I must have left it in work.  She informed me where my computer bag was and we retrieved the papers and all was well in the world.

You see my process is not the fastest, nor the most intuitive but it did accomplish the task at hand.  For more dire "hunt the item" situations, I have a different approach but in this case it looked like the clueless husband wandering around doing nothing.  But luckily your mother let me go with my process and everything worked out.

And that is one of the challenges of the world, this life, and definitely of relationships and marriage.  You must learn to accept people and their process.  I have heard the bitterness of the divorcee saying something like "I hated the way she vacuumed" or "the way she brushed her teeth"  It is the littlest process of someone that can be loved or hated.  Learn to accept and overlook those processes that bother the heck out of you.  Practice your mental judo if you must teach someone a better way of doing things when you need to change the results or their process. And always realize your process may not be the best and just as someone annoys you with theirs, your way of doing things can be driving someone else crazy.  Learn to communicate the whats and whys of your process and learn when to adjust your process if need be.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

School Supplies

To my son Tommy,

Today we bought your list of school supplies as we prepare for your first year of school. A folder, a tote bag, and a pencil pouch for a binder, seems to be the necessary provisions as you begin your educational journey. I probably should say as you begin your formal educational journey as you already well underway on your learning expedition of life.

Also on the list were some class supplies. Nothing too elaborate, crayons, markers, tissues, paper towels etc. We have read and re-read the letter from your teacher. You get more and more excited as we read it talking about all the fun activities. Now the only problem seems making you understand that you don't start school in the next 15 minutes. You are ready! I wonder if we can keep this excitement up for the next week or if once again, like we did with your schedule, your parents jumped the gun and are peaking too soon.

You realize that the one who will be having the most difficulty with this transition is your mom. She is putting on a good face and getting you all set up, but I still have this image of wailing and sobbing on your first day of actual school. But as a new chapter in your life begins, know your mother and I are with you in spirit and mind and heart, and vice versa.

Sincerely with love from your Dad,
Leo

Solving Puzzles

To my son Tommy,

The other day we got you a 48 piece puzzle.  You have always shown an affinity for puzzles but the ones we have for you have become too easy.  This puzzle by a company named Melissa and Doug seemed just about perfect for your current level.  After doing the puzzle about a half dozen times with your father, you were ready and determined to do it on your own.  Much to my surprise you got about 80% of the puzzle finished solo.  You would have done it all on your own but you had put a couple pieces in the wrong spot and that threw you off.  You were reluctant to change these pieces even when I tried to explain where they went.  Darn Irish stubbornness.

It bodes well for your life that you like solving puzzles.  Life is a trillion piece puzzle that needs to be solved.  Worse yet this trillion piece puzzle called life has no edges nor corners.  You get to decide where the boundaries start and end.  And no two people have the same puzzle to solve.  So though some of the pieces of my puzzle might find a home in your puzzle in the exact same place, some you will have to move to another spot or throw out some of the pieces.  Hopefully, unlike your recent puzzle solving attempts, you won't try to force puzzle pieces into the wrong spot and then stick by that decision, even after it becomes obvious it isn't working.

Many of the puzzle pieces you will receive will be so close in color and shape that you might not understand the difference.  For example in your life we have taught you to applaud at the end of a song when someone sings well, yet you have to learn that in church we don't have to clap after every song.  Quite puzzling, don't you think?  The same situation with just a slight change.  Of course today when you did that same thing, I just smiled and rubbed your head.

So as I write these letters to you, I hope to assist you in solving your puzzle.  If I repeat myself, look for the slight difference in the piece of the puzzle I am offering.  If the piece of the puzzle I give you doesn't fit, look for the right place or put back in the pile for later.  You may have to connect a few more pieces before you find a spot for it.   Find your straight edges and boundaries, and keep working on your puzzle.  You will never finish but hopefully you will get enough pieces put together to see the big picture.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Sustained Effort

To my son Tommy,

Taking a small break from cleaning this morning to write to you.  You see even when the woman is away we have to maintain some semblance of order and cleanliness.  When it comes to cleaning or just "doing" about anything,  I hope you learn how from your Bwam-ma Eileen.  She has a work ethic that is unsurpassed and that all who meet her can only hope to strive for.  Here is some lessons I have garnered from watching her example.

If you see something needs doing, DO IT!  Don't talk about, don't ask someone else if they want you to do it.  Just go over and get it done.  House a mess, start straightening; Dishes in the sink, start washing; Room needs to be painted, start painting; whatever needs to be done, start doing if you know how and if you can.

If you are doing something, you don't even have to get it perfect or right.  Just do something.  Say you have a bunch of toys spread out, if I straighten them and put them in the wrong bag, drawer, bucket, or chest...oh well they are no longer out. Don't get me wrong, if you can do it right the first time take the extra time and effort to do so.  The poorest excuse is I did nothing because I wasn't sure I could do it right.  Perfectionism is said to run in the family but some use it to strive to do something perfectly, some get caught up in doing things over and over again till it is perfect, and some use it as a "get out of jail free" card for skipping work saying "If I can't do it perfect why do anything".  If you end up with the obsessive compulsive trait of perfectionism, harness it to strive for excellence (or at least better than the last time) each time you do something, not to excuse work nor to repeat the same work over and over.

If you are working on a task, don't stop till it is done.  Not done enough, not only a few task stragglers left, don't stop till it is complete.  If you take a break (like I am now) make sure you get back to it as soon as the breaks over.  The "don't stop" lesson is not to feed the OCD perfectionism, because you don't have to go till it is perfect.  Set a task goal and go till that is done.  Today for example, I looked around the living room and said "Man I need to clean" so instead of making the task clean till this room is clean, I picked an area and worked it till done and then moved on to the next area.  Consequently I have completed 6 tasks today each one working to the ultimate goal or direction.  But I need to keep going back and a new task that helps to achieve the ultimate goal.  Don't just do one area and say "I have done enough" keep going,  This is one example of sustained effort that can accomplish great things in your life.

If you did something yesterday, do it again tomorrow and the day after.  It is called routine and chores and it takes something that can pile up and become a huge job and makes it manageable.  I hope one day to bring you to see some awesome sites in nature like the Grand Canyon which was created by erosion.  This example of sustained effort is just like erosion.  You hit a hard granite rock day in and day out with a couple drops of water, you can groove a hole right into that rock.  If you take a goal and keep doing something towards it each day then you will make great strides in the ultimate goal.

Doing something is much like exercising or weight lifting or practicing a sport.  You have to keep at it because any prolonged break wipes out your previous efforts.  You have to keep challenging yourself to add a little extra, be it another minute on the run, an extra 2 pounds on the bar, or adding in cleaning the windows to the daily chore list.  As you continue it gets easier and builds upon itself.  When you start lifting weights lets say you can press 100 pounds and it is difficult. After a couple months you can lift 150 and if you go back to the 100 pounds it seems light as a feather.   As you start cleaning, it seems overwhelming just to straightening.  After doing it day after day, most of the straightening happens automatically and after a couple months you can straighten, dust, vacuum, swifter, or whatever in the same amount of time.  You get better and better at it.

The only lesson I think your grandmother doesn't excel in is enlisting others and demanding they do their fair share.  She hopes that they, like her, just realize things need doing and start doing.  Instead she should be telling us, "You do this, you do this, and you do this" and not doing it or re-doing it when we slack but demand we do it till it is right.

Back to cleaning.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Tommy

Two Wild And Crazy Guys

To my son Tommy,

Your mother has headed off to upstate New York for the weekend.  She drove up with her best friend whom you call Aunt Mo (or perhaps Aunt Moe-ee but not sure how to spell that) for Mo's baby shower.  So we have the house, and the town to ourselves.  Just a couple of wild and crazy guys.

Being sans mommy can be fun but you are a little young to appreciate "just the guys" time.  So far we have ate dinner, silly danced to a song from the Jungle book, played tag, did puzzles, had a hug'o'war, headed over to your Uncle Chris and Aunt Karen's place for pool and pizza, lost two red Elmo slippers, did some kids karaoke that sounded like Slayer singing Twinkle Twinkle, found two red Elmo slippers, hit McD's and now are watching Willy Wonka while chomping on some fries and sitting around in our under-roos.  OK they really aren't under-roos just boxer briefs.  Not to mention we have broken the early to bed rule recently set out by your mom, but I won't tell her if you won't.  I expect to fall asleep together on the couch tonight and can't wait to see what type of trouble we can get into tomorrow.

Yeah, a couple days without Mommy can seem fun and exciting... but deep down we both miss her dearly.  You have asked for her about a dozen times already.  I probably give you too straight of an answer when you ask where she is.  I should give you more of a consoling answer, but you seem to be handling the situation OK considering you probably have been away from your mom for less than 13 hours 37 minutes and 11 seconds.  Of course that is an exaggeration, but you have spent the majority of your waking hours with your mom.  And that is a good thing because you got a great mom and after only 2 days left to our own devices we will be begging for her return.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Time On The Ceiling Says...

To my son Tommy,

The alarm clock at my bedside projects the time onto our ceiling.  It was a gift from your great grandmother Frazier and though some of her gifts have been marked "weird" I find her gifts unique, interesting, fun, and even sometimes useful.

As I opened my eyes for the last time from my slumber this morning, I stared at the ceiling and it said 6:15.  I thought to myself, another 5 minutes, another 20 minutes, I could skip church today, yesterday was bad and why should today be any better. 

The ceiling flashed 6:16 and I thought of you and this blog.  I thought of the words I had written yesterday and decided to let this day start fresh. 

The ceiling flashed 6:17.  I continued pondering my words and my convictions.  I thought the strength of my words lie in the fact that I practice what I preach.  I am living it day by day and that is the difference. 

The ceiling flashed 6:18 and I thought to myself how lucky I was to be alive and how lucky I was to have you and your mother.  I thought of how I would accomplish nothing for us and our future by sleeping in another paltry hour.

The ceiling flashed 6:19 and I cleared my mind and basked for yet another minute in what I have in this world in this exact moment.  I made up my mind that I am happy now and to be happy today.  It is simple as that...just set your mindset and go.

The ceiling flashed 6:20 and I got out of bed, showered, brushed my teeth and the usual grooming, took my multi vitamin and headed off to mass.

It is now 10:40 and I imagine the ceiling in our bedroom probably says so as well.   As I take a small break from work to post, I can tell you that 5 minutes of my life made all the difference in the world for how this day is coming along and how I feel about this day and how I feel about everyone I meet today.  I hope my attitude becomes infectious today and I can make those around me hopeful and glad and perhaps a quick smile or grin.  They (the infamous they) say "sometimes it doesn't pay to get out of bed" but they are wrong.  Even yesterday it still paid to get out of bed.  Avoiding the issues of life by staying in bed accomplishes nothing.  And if I had taken there advice I would have missed out on this grand day.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Cause Every Little Thing Gonna Be Alright

To my son Tommy,

There will be days like the one I had, where everything seems against you and you feel like you are floundering and lost for hope.  Nothing makes sense and you believe the light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming locomotive.  You will feel under-trained, under-equipped, under-prepared, underwater.  Somewhere in you, the depressive side of your manic-depressive Irish blood will try to grab you and hold you down.  Do not believe it or fall for it.  It is only an illusion.

You will wake up in the morning, the sun will shine again, the world will not have ended and you will try again.  Treat every morning like a clean slate.  Do your best to let your worry and fret go at night and then let the dawn refresh you mentally and spiritually.  Pray for the strength to make the new day better than the last and have faith it will be.

I am extremely lucky to have at least two of those moments every day.  One, when I wake up like above and one when I come home to my loving wife and son.  It allows me that ever necessary moment of forgetting what ails me.  It is a bucket of cold water to wash the sweat of despair from my face.

Don't fall into the martyr syndrome, the "woe is me" attitude. And definitely don't follow in my poor example from my younger years and make your troubles disappear into the bottom of a whisky bottle.  Liquor only distorts your hopelessness, it doesn't make it go away. Remember you are still on the right side of the sod (rather than 6 feet under) and though you may feel like you are going through hell alone, you are never alone.

So tonight, right now, to get rid of this funk, I am going to go hug my wife, lay a solitary kiss on you, my sleeping son, say a prayer and sing myself to sleep with a little Marley tune called "Three Little Birds".  And the sun will rise again tomorrow.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Stopping The Avalanche

To my son Tommy,

Talk about a backfire. Last night your mother put you to bed around 7:30. She is trying to get you ready for the upcoming schedule change as you begin school two days a week and she begins nursing school and I, well I just keep doing what I am doing and try to fill in any holes in the schedule. So to bed we went at 7:30 which is at least an hour and half earlier than you are used. It is definitely a change from bedtime during vacation which some times went to after midnight.

And you responded right away the next morning. You got up right when your dad did at 6:15am. Of course your mother wasn't quite ready for that and I had to soon head off to work.

Much like a snowball can start an entire avalanche, this change has the potential to snow us in. Since you went to bed early, you woke up early, and you fell asleep even earlier tonight since you were so tired from the schedule change. I mean really early like before 6pm before I even got home. So if we were to let you sleep, the next day you'd be up even earlier and to bed even earlier again. Thus the avalanche comparison.

The only way to stop an avalanche is before it becomes an avalanche. So much to your dismay, I had to wake you up and try to get you back on schedule. In other words we are attempting to grab the snowball before it rolls too far downhill.

Instead of forcing a bedtime to make you adjust, we will most likely just enforce a wake time. In my experience, if you make sure you wake up at a certain time and stick with it, bedtime will find a suitable time all by itself. So remember, little changes can bring big consequences, so make sure you make the right ones and correct any poorly thought out ones immediately.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

One Thing At A Time

To my son Tommy,

Returning from vacation to work is always difficult.  Things build up and coming back to a pile of stuff can be overwhelming.  It makes you realize how much you do and all the little intricacies that are required in your job.  It also makes you feel like it will be impossible to get everything done and that you are drowning in quicksand.

So how do you get through it all.  One thing at a time, that's how.  You pick one job that is on the list and do it.  Pick the smallest job you can think of and get it done as fast as you can.  You go from 999 things on the list to 998 and that my son is progress.  Progress can build momentum.  Accomplish just that one little job will make someone happy.  It will help you to get in the swing of things again, and start you on your way to finishing the other 998 items on the list.

Many in this world throw their hands up and say "IMPOSSIBLE" when they get overwhelmed and there is so much to do.  Don't ever let too much to do be an excuse for doing nothing.  Never say, well this one thing I am doing isn't going to really amount to much so why do it.  Just start doing.  One by one, step by step, and maybe with a little luck you will get there.  And when you finish that list, keep working and doing the next thing so the next list isn't as long.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Peace

To my son Tommy,

I just got back from church.  You were still asleep but pretty soon I am going to start waking you to go with me, at least on Sundays. Going to church lately has me going through the vast of array of emotions in an hour.  I have been feeling the mass more than just listening and blindly participating.  There is one part of the ceremony that I just can't help smiling.

The priest quotes scripture and says "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you" and then we soon exchange a sign of peace with those near us in church.  Even as a young lad this intrigued me and was one of my favorite parts. Of course when I was young it was all about the handshake and what I thought was a break from the normal kneeling and standing and form of the mass.  But now I think of peace.  Imagine, friends, family, total strangers each offering you "Peace", peace of mind, peace of heart, peace of soul, peace in the world, peace in your life.  Even though we only exchange with those in proximity, everyone in the church is praying for peace.  Hopefully their intentions are sincere, I know I really do wish peace on those around me.  And the challenge is to take this with you outside of the quick handshake at church.  When ever you shake hands with someone or interact with someone or touch someone's life, do it from the position that you wish them peace in their life and for their soul.  If more people did that in their daily interactions, we might be able to achieve a level of peace in this world only dreamed about before.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Home Again

To my son Tommy,

Well we made it back from vacation with very little problem.  Final clean up went well this morning even though I think I got a couple evil looks for getting up and going at 6:30 rather than 7:30.  But it was nice not to feel pressured and actually like we were ahead of the game as we left.  Just a bit of traffic on the way home but nothing too major.  We got home, unloaded, and delivered the Johnson's popcorn to the neighbors who helped keep an eye on our house.  Then off to your grandmom RoRo's house for some grub.  On the way, we stopped by your Aunt Debbie's to pick up some luggage that got mixed up in the transport.  I guess airlines aren't the only ones who mess up with baggage destinations.

You were excited to see the Downey side again and we had fun telling stories over dinner.  Just a quick visit and we were back home.   We have to unpack still and you have settled in front of the TV for some time watching Sprout which is your favorite channel, a channel that was not given much air time among the ocean crowd.  Your mother is on a hunt for what she has deemed a "super mouse" who ate the peanut butter out of the snap traps and the nilla wafers on the fourth shelf of the high cabinets.  So as we settle back in and get back to normal keep an eye out for a mouse with a cape.

Today, no lessons, no moral to the story, just glad to have us home safe.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

The Next Thing

To my son Tommy,

All good things must come to an end and so our vacation begins the wind down. There are tons of emotions from everyone that come flooding. Some are saddened by the pack up day. Some are worried or overwhelmed with the clean up. Some feel loss of the good times and others want to extend the vacation like squeezing the last drop from a lemon. Some are relieved to get home because large family vacations definitely do not scream relaxation.

But as we pack up and readjust to our daily life, I remain excited. And that is the challenge, to remain excited about the next thing to come. Attack the end of the vacation and the return to the daily routine with as much vigor as the beginning. Bring your funny stories and treasured moments and great memories with you from the vacation but leave everything else. Look forward to the next vacation but don't look too far forward and overlook the adventure of your daily life. Things end and that is how life is, but as they always say when one thing ends another begins. Hopefully the Frazier-Maggio OCNJ vacation will be in our circle of life for many years to come.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Gambling

To my son Tommy,

I snuck off last night and hit Atlantic City, or more appropriately I let Atlantic City smack me. The tables, the roulette wheel, the slots, everything seemed to have it out for me. Here are a few rules to follow if you can

Don't gamble...if you can avoid the gambling bug at all it is best to do so. There is a reason casinos can give out comps and have lavish amenities... The house always wins.

If you must gamble, set a limit. Only bring a set stake and when that is gone don't go digging for more. With a genetically disposed addictive personality, this will be difficult. So only bring what you plan on losing and do everything you can to avoid ATMs and other ways to get more than you planned.

Don't spend time with regret if you lose. What is done is done, forget it and move on. Don't try to go "win back your money" and such, otherwise you might end up really having something to regret.

Don't play for the longshot or the super jackpot. Play for the small wins and conservative bets. Gambling is not your ticket to quick riches. There is no quick riches out there, it all takes work.

Finally, don't risk it all. If you risk too much in a casino, you risk losing yourself, your family, your soul. Save your big bets in life for love and family.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Just For Laughs

To my son Tommy,

This vacation has brought a couple laughs. We learned about your cousin Ryan calling large waves "eighteen wides". Your cousin Emma lightened the mood when she ran around with goo in a jar that when pushed makes fart sounds. Ryan trying to put her butt on Uncle Chris's face. We told stories and jokes and together as a family laughed.

Now the most humorous story of the vacation has to be you sitting on Emma's back. You sat there and talked and played on her back for some time. Why is that funny you ask? Well it turned out that unbeknownst to me, your mother, Aunt Debbie, and Emma, you had taken off your pants. Em was laughing but disgusted in your commando attack of her back and neck. It is something that will come back to haunt you in stories about the beach. "You remember the summer where Tommy was free-balling on Emma's neck!?!" is something you may hear in the future. So I thought it would be nice to preserve it here so you know what they are talking about.

Yet another reason why family is the best. Only the forgiveness of relatives can take a story like that and find the humor.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Treasure Hunting

To my son Tommy,

Your mother said to me today "I married my father" as she joked about the similarities between your PopPop and your dad. I retorted that I married my mother and she got the better end of the deal. Of course pissing off your mom is never smart but that is for a whole other post.

Anyways, I was headed down to the beach to do some metal detecting with your PopPop's spare detector. He took me out the other day and showed me the ropes. Ever since I was a kid your age, I dreamed of treasure hunting. I dreamed of finding Atlantis or El Dorado or some other riches untold. Of course in two days of metal detecting I have gather a little over two bucks in coin, some plastic beach toys, and a couple nice sea shells.

After ten minutes of hunting, PopPop showed up to hunt and show me some nice spots. As I watched him work the beaches masterfully, I thought your mother was correct. She did marry her father. But the thing is, that is not a bad thing. All your grandparents are amazingly great people, so any comparison to them should be a compliment. As you grow up you will be compared to your parents and grandparents and relatives. You should be honored. Because even though today I was looking for treasure in the sand, the real treasure is, as always, family.

Sincerely with live from your dad,
Leo

Angelos

To my son Tommy,

There are many places and sights and experiences that have become tradition for our vacation in OCNJ. Call them rights of passage or what not, but they are required participation for our family. One of the great ones is Angelo's pizza.

For the past seven days we have stopped and bought something from Angelo's. There are some nice pizza places at the boardwalk. Each have there own following for a variety of reasons, be it taste or size or popularity or location, but we are Angelo's fans.

When you find a good local store in your life, support it. Talk to the employees, get to know their names. Make sure you keep patronizing their establishment so they will be around for your son. Sometimes this means paying a bit more or sacrificing some convenience rather than going to the big box store chains, but it is worth it.

Luckily with Angelos we don't have to sacrifice. The foods great! Your mom even has dreams of their cheesesteaks. There location is convenient and the owners work the kitchen and, like today, give out that regular customer discount. So I hope you soon decide to eat some more big boy foods, so you can fully experience this right of passage by eating at our favorite spot on OCNJ boardwalk!

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

A Cross and a Jersey

To my son Tommy,

At mass today, a little boy and his father brought up the gifts to the altar. The little boy was wearing a Steeler's jersey. It occurred to me that being a catholic is similar to being a Steelers fan outside of Pittsburgh. Those choices can lead to ridicule, doubt, and turmoil. Others will question why, and even you will begin to question yourself.

But if you make either of those choices (or both those choices like your old man) stick to your guns. Though people will bring up arguments and flaws in your belief, no one can question your belief more than you will. Your first name Thomas conjures up comparison to Thomas Aquinas, Thomas More, and Doubting Thomas. You will constantly question yourself and ponder your beliefs, and you will have to search for your own answers. But don't let other people decide for you through their ridicule. Make up your own mind and if the mood strikes you wear your crucifix and your Polamalu jersey with pride.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Technology

To my son Tommy,

Please always remember that the Most advanced device you will ever use is your mind. This comes from a self proclaimed technology enthusiast also known as a geek.

Here is a small sampling of the tech bag that came down with us. An iPad, an apple tv device, my phone, mom's phone, a netbook for work, a portable DVD player, a couple USB thumb drives, a flip video recorder, a digital camera, and a bunch of chargers and accessories. I know I am missing a couple things in the bag but you get the point.

To be honest we love each of our gadgets but rely too much on them. The only thing you really need to entertain yourself is your imagination and the right attitude and approach. Technology is great but give me a paper and pencil and that would be enough to accomplish many things. You, knowing who your father is, will be well versed in computers and tablets and whatever the new tech will be. But honestly you are smarter than any computer and more amazing than any gadget.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Cousins

To my son Tommy,

You are blessed with very forgiving and sharing and loving cousins. They let you wrestle them down, play with their toys, and just put up with you in general. When you are old enough, you owe them a big hug and thank you.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

Question of the Day

To my son Tommy,

"What is dirt?" That is your question for the day or past couple days. Not sure where you got that question but you have politely asked nearly every Aunt, Uncle, and various relatives in the near vicinity. The first response is usually looking for some type of confirmation that they heard the extremely odd question correctly. Then, with a little encouragement from those around many fumble around and find some type of definition. If you really like the answer you say "That is beautiful!"

Your natural curiosity is really blossoming. You learn by asking and you absorb the answers. One of the answers you got explained dirt is where worms live. Later you were asked where worms live and without missing a beat you replied "in dirt"

So even if people laugh at the questio, and even if they fumble for the answer, and even if the answer is not quite beautiful, keep asking those questions!

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo

The Right Thing To Do

To my son Tommy,

Down here in OCNJ, they have very complete street crossing system. Most every corner has a proper crossing light and those that don't still have a system. We have been working on this since we arrived, teaching you what to look for and when to cross. This is for your safety and everyone elses piece of mind.

But this education comes with some unique challenges. First, you have already begun to notice how not everyone follows the crossing rules. Here we stand waiting, and kids, adults, bikes, and what have ya go right through with no regards to the rules. It is a tough thing to understand, but we try to follow the rules even when others do not.

The second situation comes later in the evening. You approach a corner, and the crossing signal says do not cross, but there are no cars, no traffic, and no one around to judge you if you cross. Do you stay and wait for the signal to change? Well as you grow up you will have to make your own decision, but just know the true character of a man is what he does when no one is looking and you can get away with it. I personally wait... Though from time to time even I falter and just go ahead and cross.

Sincerely with love from your dad,
Leo