Monday, April 1, 2013

No Love

To my son Tommy,

I know it is just social politics. You are testing the boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not and plus you are tired. But without ever hearing your mom or I say it, how does a four year old instinctively know how to be vindictive with a "I don't love you". I know there is no conviction behind the words and I know you are just pissed off about going to bed but I prefer a good snap kick to the nuts or a swinging toy to the head or something that hurts much less than those words. All I could say is "I love you son" as I walked out of the room. No singing, no prayers, no extra snuggles or hugs. I have no idea how to teach you how much that hurts but I figured it wouldn't help the cause by denying how you made me feel. Your mother tried to explain it to you but you didn't quite understand why daddy walked out. I didn't do it to be vindictive back or to teach you a lesson. I did it because my heart broke a little and it won't mend until you are fast asleep and I can whisper in your ear that your daddy will always love you no matter what and I can kiss you on the forehead.

I had no idea the high degree of pain and how much something like that hurt my parents the times I said it to them, until now. I hope you never have to hear that from anyone you love. I know you will never hear it from me and only when your son says it to you will you finally realize how it feels. I definitely don't wish that day or you.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

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