Thursday, January 31, 2013

Aww Crabcakes!

To my son Tommy,

We are back to, or at least getting back to, our "mommy in school" schedule. That means your clueless father has to get you up and out in the mornings at least on Thursdays and Fridays. It truly is a comedy of errors but somehow we manage.

You were running around, or technically away from me and your breakfast, this morning and ran smack into the coffee table. Not sure if you stubbed your toe on the leg of the table or banged your shin or knee on the table top, but tears streamed. After a typical clueless father examination of the leg and situation to make sure nothing major was wrong, I joked with you that when you learn to curse as you grow up, it will make the pain subside quicker. At least that is the thought process of many adults as you have probably seen me stub my toe and throw out a few muffled profanities that make me sound like Muttley, Dick Dastardly's faithful pet from the old Hanna-Barbera cartoons.

Since I can't teach a four year old those words, and since I needed to distract you from the pain, we decided to hunt for a word to say. Sassafras, when said through a sobbing voice, sounds too closely like real curse words. In fact it at first sounded like you were calling your mom by her nickname Cass and somehow drawing a comparison to donkey.  So we quickly nixed that word and went on. After many more failures, we finally settled in on "crabcakes" as your go-to word.

I guess in Maryland, the word crabcake has some sort of reverence to it, and we are probably scandalizing a state tradition, but the word makes such a nice curse for a four year old. It has those hard consonants that allow you to emphasize and really get some anger and frustration out. I realize the crab part is dangerously close to crap but the profane level of that word is much debated anyhow. And since you are supposedly allergic to shellfish, I figured it would serve another purpose to keep you away from crabcakes as you develop a negative connotation with the word.

So after getting you to yell out "oh crabcakes" a couple times, I once again had a smiling boy who finished his cereal and soon was loaded in the truck and brought to school. It was breezy out and all the teachers were busy handing out little goodie bags for Catholic Schools Appreciation Week, so I didn't have any teachers at the door as I dropped you off to explain why you had a slight limp and to warn of your new found word. That should be an interesting note from school if you decide to use your word today.  You won't get in trouble but your daddy might end up with a whooping from your mommy.

After dropping you off, and with the odd sense of accomplishment that only a father can get from teaching his son how to in a way curse, I went in to work.  I quickly came into a storm of problems here and have been saying "crabcakes" in my head all morning.  Okay, a couple other words crossed my mind so far but I think we will stick to "crabcakes" for you.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

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