Thursday, December 19, 2013

Don't Squeeze

To my son Tommy,

Rough night for you tonight.  You ended up with a rash or some type of red irritation on no sugar coating it...on your penis.  I assume it is a side effect from your recent stomach bug and trots and some bad wiping by a four year old and not enough zeal in follow up cleanings by your old man.  Sorry about that.  The bath tonight didn't help and I guess the soap started to make things burn, but, worse than that, with your rash came a bump.  

Not sure if it is pimple like or not, but when your mom sees a bump, she is determined to pop it.  You had a pimple like bump twice before in the same area.  Once your mom popped it in the tub and the second time we brought you to the doctor to see what was causing it and he said it was normal as he popped it.  Ouch!  Not fun!  

This one doesn't look like either of those incidents, but that didn't dissuade your mom from trying to pop or squeeze.  My fatherly, or perhaps just manly, protection instincts came into swing and I was ready to swoop you up and save you, no matter the potential consequences to my marriage.  Every time your mom tried to sneak in the squeeze you were calling her out, with tears and screams and begging.  By the third unsuccessful try, and the sixth or so empathetic cringe from your dad,  I decided the darn thing could grow to the size of a watermelon for all I cared.  We could draw eyes on the bump and name it OMalley or Cheney or something.  I was sure we could find some other, less painful, solution.  Anything has to be a better than squeezing and screaming!  

Truth is, your mom is most likely right and some times the right solution hurts.  I don't pretend to know the amount of pain a woman can endure and I assume it is no less than ten times greater than any man can imagine.  I probably don't call my own mother enough for the pain I put her through in childbirth.  But in this instance, your mother is lacking that empathetic bedside manner that she always wishes for with her medical treatment.  Not her fault, but with different genitalia she may know worse pain but just not the exact type of pain we are talking about.  For the time being, we settled on some type of medicated powder and loose fitting pajama pants.  You were saved for now, but be forewarned, if there is still a bump during tomorrow's bath time, I might not be able to spare you again.  Protect your junk my son!

Sincerely with love from your dad,

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