Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Phrases Nobody Hears

To my son Tommy,

Today's commute in to work was all kinds of special.  If I were to give people the benefit of the doubt, I'd say they were preoccupied with the short work week due to the upcoming holiday.  But, more likely, it could simply be that they are big stupid heads.  Either way, I find myself talking to these guys as if they can hear me.  Here are some of the top phrases that nobody hears as I drive on my commute.

You see that little stick behind the wheel, that controls your blinker.  You should try it sometime.

You should try tapping the white cane out the car window if you are that blind.

No, no, those white and yellow lines are just suggestions.  Why should you follow them?

Do I have cut me off written on my license plate?

You are the reason that people like me hope karma exists!

My bad.  I left too many car lengths between me and the guy in front, which was too much of a temptation for you.  How dare me follow the laws of the road!  Please, go ahead and squeeze in between my front bumper and that guys rear bumper.

15 miles per hour under the speed limit?  It is the pedal on the right!

The shoulder is not for passing everyone else that is stuck in the traffic!  There is a special level of hell for people like you!

I hope the reason you're speeding so much is not to get to the doctor.  The prognosis isn't going to change.  There is no cure for jerk!

If I shoved that cellphone where the sun don't shine, do you think you could stay in your own lane?

I wonder what you are compensating for? I guess you think an eighty thousand dollar car makes up for your lack of driving ability.

All that to get ahead of me by one car? We got to work on your risk-reward ratio.

Yeah go ahead and park in that handicap spot.  Is your handicap not being able to read signs or interpret symbols?  Or perhaps your handicap is having your head in your butt?

Don't get me wrong, I am actually a forgiving driver and I don't usually get too bent out of shape.  My road rage is limited to my voicing of my thoughts as driving is way too dangerous for any other actions.  Sadly, the people that should hear these phrases go on with their lives, unaware that the earth doesn't rotate around them and that their driving effects others.  I guess they think when they hear that horn honking that it must be someone they know trying to get their attention.  When you get to driving age, I will teach you how to be patient and kind and courteous while you drive, along with some of the better hand signs I learned through out the years.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

No comments:

Post a Comment