Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Quick With A Joke

To my son Tommy,

When I was a bartender, I tried to epitomize the line from the Piano Man that speaks about a bartender who is  "quick with a joke or to light up your smoke."  If I was still tending bar in the present, I suppose having a quick draw on a lighter would not be necessary because of the smoking legislation, but it is good to always have a joke on hand no matter the situation.

Now the majority of my jokes were rude, crude, vulgar, politically incorrect, and many times down right shameful.  They were the types of jokes that you know you shouldn't laugh at and are ashamed that you found funny.  I played to my crowd and prepped for my situation.  It was that type of bar where no topic was off base and you left your outrage and sensibilities at the door.  But I did keep a few clean jokes in my repertoire.  So here is probably the only joke I can teach you until you come of age.

A daddy polar bear and his son were walking along in the arctic.
"Dad, do I have any grizzly bear in me?" asked the younger bear.
"No son.  You are all polar bear," snorted the daddy bear.
They walked along some more and the son again inquired, "So I am really a polar bear? No black or brown bear in me?"
Getting a bit perturbed, daddy polar bear growled, "No brown nor black bear blood in you son.  You are really all polar bear."
Seemingly searching for answers the son tried, "Maybe our great great grandfather was a panda bear?"
A short and sharp and incredulous "NO" was all the papa bear could say without losing his cool.
They walked a bit further in the arctic snow.
"Koala! Maybe we have some koala?" Inquired the wee bear desperately.
"NO KOALA!" roared the daddy polar bear, "You are all polar bear!"
The daddy polar bear walked a bit farther with his despondent son.
Feeling guilty about losing his patience the daddy asked, "Why all these questions about your lineage my son?"
The son turned to the dad and said matter-of-factly, "Because Dad...  I am freezing!"
[insert rim shot here]

So that will be the first long drawn out joke I will try to teach you.  To be honest it is an old joke and told and re-told more ways than I can count.  I originally heard it with a swear in the punch line which is expected in the type of bars I worked in.  But for now, learn the clean version and we will work on a few more clean jokes even if they are silly and stupid.  When you get older I will pass on the jokes I have to withhold during your formative years.

Sincerely with love from your dad,

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